Basic Laws of ............

by Dianne

1 . Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

2. Law of Gravity

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 

3. Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers

If you dial the wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

 

5. Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

 

6. Law of the  Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

8. Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

 

10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are the furthest

from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. 

The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

11.The Coffee Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 

14. Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

 

15. Law of Physical Appearance

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

16.Law of Public Speaking

A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

 

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!

 

18. Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Buying A Mercedes

by Dianne

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes
 dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they
 were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a
 mini skirt and a halter top.
 The old man was visibly upset. He spoke
 to the salesman sharply.
 "Young man, I  thought you said you would hold
 that car till we raised the £55,000 asking price,"
 said the older man.
 "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for £45,000 to
 the lovely young lady there."
 " And if I remember right, you had insisted there was
 no way you could discount this model."
 The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and
 reached for a large glass of water.
 "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready,
 didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at
 her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning
 salesman sheepishly..
 Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and
 gave the car keys to the old man...
 "There you go," she said. "I told you I could
 get that idiot to lower the price...."
 "See you later, DADDY!!