~ Blown Away ~

by Tina~in_ut

Words You Don't Hear Anymore

by Dianne

Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company.

Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today.

Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!

Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.

Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.

Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefooted. 

 

Those people on our party line are listening in!

Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.

You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.

I've gotta call the operator so she can let me know when there's a long distance line open.

Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!

Go comb your hair, it looks like the rats have nested in it all night. Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.

Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.

Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.

Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!

Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.

You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.

Do that again and you're going to get those legs striped!

There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.

Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it's getting hot.

You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.

Sit closer to the radio, don't turn it up so loud.

If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!

Don't lose that button; I won't be able to sew it back on.

Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.

Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!

Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.

Don't run that battery down in the radio, I don't want to miss the news!

Here, take this old Sears and Roebuck catalog to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.

Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.

Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.

No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?

Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.

Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.

Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like Dad Gummit! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!

It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.

If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.

Here's 17 cents for the movie and popcorn.

Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!

Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.

When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; Left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; And straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.

It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and don't you forget it!

Hurry up and finish drying the dishes so we can go "ketch sum lightnin' bugs and pit 'em in a jar".

A Different Way of looking at things!

by Dianne

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' _________________________________________
  
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'  _________________________________________
  
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
_________________________________________ 
 
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
_________________________________________  

A blonde calls Delta Air Lines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. _________________________________________ 
  
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,'  the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
_________________________________________ 
 
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe:  'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
_________________________________________  


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'  _________________________________________  


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied.  'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.  _________________________________________ 
 
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

~ Father of the Bride ~

by Tina~in_ut

~ How To Get To Mars ~

by Tina~in_ut

Bubba

by Dianne

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer, were sent for.

 

Darryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Darryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

 

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

 

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

 

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

 

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

 

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

 

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'

~ I'm So Excited.... ~

by Tina~in_ut

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

by Dianne

 

The Singing Anesthesiologists -This one is just too funny! Listen carefully to the words! These singers are all Anesthesiologists in Minnesota and they can really sing. Here they sing "Waking up is hard to do"

~ Gluttonous Lake Austin Bass ~

by Tina~in_ut

~ Amazing Kid from Ukraine ~

by Tina~in_ut

                                      Not A Word Said and This Kid Will Leave You in Awe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~ Bear Interruptous ~

by Tina~in_ut

~ The Nun & Golf ~

by Tina~in_ut

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.
 You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green….and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the f***ing putt, didn’t you?”

The Little Red Wagon

by Dianne 

Down to the last detail.    Unbelievable !!!!!!!!!!!

~ Musical Truth ~

by Tina~in_ut