How To Stay Young

by Mary/MI

1.  Try everything twice. On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
"Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"

2.  Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...Never let the brain get idle.  'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM /HER.

6.. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips..Take a trip to the mall, even to the next  city, state, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. 

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

~ M E R R Y ~ C H R I S T M A S ~

by Tina~in_ut

~ Cheer Cart ~

by Tina~in_ut

I received an e-mail from a passenger who was offended by this video. She was upset because we showed off women's legs and boobs and didn't have a female pilot or mechanic, only flight attendants. Seriously???? That's all you have to do with your time, lady? Seriously!!!!!!~ Oh....and she couldn't spell to save her life! I wanted to point that out in my reply~ :)~

~ Jingle Balls ~

by Tina~in_ut

Wife Goes Deer Hunting

by Dianne

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter from Dripping Springs, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"

A National Disaster

by Dianne

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!  

We Must Stop This Immediately !  

 

 

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper.  

Groceries are heavier.  And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become. And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader? 

 

 I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. 

 

 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW   -   even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! 

 

 Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the street in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. 

 

 Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? 

 

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

 

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! 

 

 PS: I am writing this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they used to be.

Crazy Facts

by Dianne

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
(I already have 2 bombs!)
 

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)

  

 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.  (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
 

 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
 

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

 

 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

 

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

 

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

 

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)