Why I Like Retirement.....

by Mary

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes. 

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. 

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS! 

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer: Normal. 

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. 

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. 

Question: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Stuff you didn't know you didn't know...

by Dianne

Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green. 
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It is impossible to lick
your elbow.
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The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work: 
Alaska 
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The percentage ofAfrica that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...) 
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The percentage ofNorth America that is wilderness: 38%
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------ 
The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

 

$ 16,400
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The average number
of people airborne over the U.S.

in any given hour: 
61,000 
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Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair.. 
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The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer. 
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The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile

National Monuments. 
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Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:

 

Spades - King David

 

Hearts - Charlemagne

 

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

 

Diamonds - Julius Caesar 
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111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321 
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
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Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,

John Hancock and Charles Thomson.

Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

 

A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats.

What is the most popular boat name requested?

 

A.
Obsession 
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Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,

how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?

 

A. One thousand 
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,

windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

 

A. All were invented
by women. 
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Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?

 

A. Honey 
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls

than any other day of the year?

 

A. Father's Day 
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In Shakespeare's time,

mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
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It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply

his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.

Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,

which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' . . .

 

It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's' 
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Many years ago inEngland , pub frequenters had a whistle baked

into the rim, or handle, of their ceramiccups.

When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase

inspired by this practice.
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At least 75% of
people who read this will try

to lick their elbow! 
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING

IN 2013

when...

 

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

 

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers

to reach your family of three.

 

4. You e-mail the person who

works at the desk next to you.

 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch

with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your

cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you

carry in the groceries...

 

7. Every commercial on television

has a web site at the bottom of the screen

 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,

which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and

you turn around to go and get it

 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line

before getting your coffee

 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

 

12 You're reading this and

nodding and laughing.

 

13. Even worse, you know exactly

to whom you are going to forward this message.

 

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .

 

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

 

NOW you're LAUGHING at yourself!

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused!" (Unknown Author)
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Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your elbow.