On His Deathbed

 by Dianne

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

 

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

 

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

 

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

 

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”

 

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

 

Sarah replies, “Property? …. the old buggar had a paper route!”

~ Happy Mother's Day ~

 

 WHY GOD MADE MOMS: 

    
 Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: 
    
  Why did God make mothers? 
  1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 
  2. Mostly to clean the house.  
  3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. 
 
How did God make mothers? 
  1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 
  2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring 
  3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. 
 
What ingredients are mothers made of? 
  1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 
  2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. 
 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 
  1. We're related.  
  2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me. 
 
What kind of a little girl was your mom? 
  1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 
  2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 
  3. They say she used to be nice.  
 
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 
  1. His last name.  
  2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 
  3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? 
 
Why did your mom marry your dad? 
  1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.. 
  2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 
  3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. 
 
Who's the boss at your house? 
  1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 
  2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 
  3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. 
 
What's the difference between moms and dads? 
  1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.. 
  2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 
  3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends. 
  4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. 
 
What does your mom do in her spare time? 
  1. Mothers don't do spare time.  
  2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. 
 
What would it take to make your mom perfect? 
  1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 
  2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. 
 
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 
  1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 
  2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me. 
  3 I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.