~ Happy Valentine's Day ~

Lexiphile

by Mary/MI

       Lexiphile is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, like: 

                      "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish….."

or….........

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . .. . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.  
Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.

A Few Laughs

by Dianne

FAMOUS INVENTIONS

        

The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota , but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it.

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OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

        

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'

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POLICE LINE-UP!

        

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'

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VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE

        

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian.

       

'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

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THE RELATIONS

        

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. ' Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' He asked.

        

'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena . 'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.'

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MUSIC SOLUTION

        

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.'  'How come?' asked Lars.

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.

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THE PRANK CALL

        

The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up.

        

'Who vas dat?' asks Lena .

        

'I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.

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HONEYMOON

        

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.'

So Ole drove to Dulute.

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PARTY TIME

        

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria , Minnesota . The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said, 'Ole, What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes?  You're naked.'

        

'Yah, I know,' said Ole.  'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.'

        

'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked.

        

'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!  'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!'  'Vel, vee all got undressed.  Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'

        

'Yah, vel, I guess I'm the first vun here!"

~ Selfless Love ~

by Tina~in_ut

~ Contemporary Dance How-To ~

by Tina~in_ut

Blonde Cookbook

by Dianne

It's fun to cook for Tom . Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

 

  

 

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

 

 

  

 

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can't say it improved the rice any. 

 

 

 

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.. 

 

 

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. 

  

 

 

 

 

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

 

 

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. 

 

 

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom . If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

~ Happy New Year ~