These Should Bring A Smile......

by Dianne

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

 

  By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

 

  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

 

  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

  Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine

 

  My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

 

  Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

 

  I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields

 

  We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers 

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

 

  Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller

 

  By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal