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Saturday, December 28, 2013

How To Stay Young

by Mary/MI


1.  Try everything twice. On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
"Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"


2.  Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)


3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...Never let the brain get idle.  'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM /HER.

6.. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..Your home is your refuge.


8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.


9. Don't take guilt trips..Take a trip to the mall, even to the next  city, state, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. 


11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

~ Cheer Cart ~

by Tina~in_ut



I received an e-mail from a passenger who was offended by this video. She was upset because we showed off women's legs and boobs and didn't have a female pilot or mechanic, only flight attendants. Seriously???? That's all you have to do with your time, lady? Seriously!!!!!!~ Oh....and she couldn't spell to save her life! I wanted to point that out in my reply~ :)~

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Wife Goes Deer Hunting

by Dianne

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter from Dripping Springs, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"

Thursday, December 12, 2013

A National Disaster

by Dianne


THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!  
We Must Stop This Immediately !  
 
 
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper.  
Groceries are heavier.  And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become. And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader? 
 
 I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. 
 
 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW   -   even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! 
 
 Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the street in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. 
 
 Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? 
 
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
 
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! 
 
 PS: I am writing this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they used to be.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Crazy Facts

by Dianne

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

 
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
(I already have 2 bombs!)
 
 
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

 
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)

  
 
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.  (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

 
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

 
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
 
 
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
 
 
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

 
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

 
 
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

 
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

 
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

 
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

 
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

 
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Thursday, November 21, 2013

A Little Humor

by Dianne

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

She asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful, why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

Friday, November 15, 2013

Lay-over On The Rock

by Mary

A jet is making its final approach into St. John's Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom and announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland . I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on "the ROCK"

He forgets to switch off the intercom.  Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?"

"Well", says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.  I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear ....He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first."

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Sunday, November 3, 2013

~ Who Knew ~


by Tina~in_ut




It's been a year and I miss you still.....I know you liked P!nk.....and I think of you whenever I hear this song...but then again, I think of you often.....who knew~

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Two Men

by Dianne


Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
 
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.
 
His bed was next to the room's only window.
 
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
 
The men talked for hours on end.
 
They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..
 
Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
 
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
 
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.  Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
 
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.
 
One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.
 
Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
 
Days, weeks and months passed.
 
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.
 
She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
 
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
 
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
 
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.
 
It faced a blank wall.
 
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
 
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
 
She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'
 
Epilogue:
 
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
 
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
 
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.
 
'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present .'

Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Other Cook

by Dianne

A wife was making a breakfast, fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too
many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE
THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
Do you think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you how it feels when I'm driving."

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Getting to Heaven

by Dianne

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

"Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
 
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love',and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
 
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
 
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
 
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ..."

Moral of the story: LEARN TO SPELL!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Remembering Mom's Clothesline

by Dianne

We had a long wooden pole (clothes pole) that was used to push the clotheslines up so that longer items (sheets/pants/etc.) didn't brush the ground and get dirty.
 
You have to be a "certain age" to appreciate this one....
(But you YOUNGER ones can read about "The GOOD ol' days"!!)
 
I can hear my mother now.....
 
THE BASIC RULES FOR CLOTHESLINES: 
 
(If you don't even know what clotheslines are, better skip this.)
 
1. You had to hang the socks by the toes... NOT the top.
2. You hung pants by the BOTTOM/cuffs... NOT the waistbands.
3. You had to WASH the clothesline(s) before hanging any clothes - walk the entire length of each line with a damp cloth around the lines.
4. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order, and always hang "whites" with "whites," and hang them first.
5. You NEVER hung a shirt by the shoulders - always by the tail! What would the neighbors think?
6. Wash day on a Monday! NEVER hang clothes on the weekend, or on Sunday, for Heaven's sake!
7. Hang the sheets and towels on the OUTSIDE lines so you could hide your "unmentionables" in the middle (perverts & busybodies, y'know!)
8. It didn't matter if it was sub-zero weather... clothes would "freeze-dry."
9. ALWAYS gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes! Pins left on the lines were "tacky"!
10. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the next washed item.
11. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket, and ready to be ironed.
12. IRONED???!! Well, that's a whole OTHER subject!
 
And now a POEM ...
 
A clothesline was a news forecast, To neighbors passing by,
There were no secrets you could keep, When clothes were hung to dry.
It also was a friendly link, For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by, To spend a night or two.
For then you'd see the "fancy sheets", And towels upon the line;
You'd see the "company table cloths", With intricate designs.
The line announced a baby's birth, From folks who lived inside,
As brand new infant clothes were hung, So carefully with pride!
The ages of the children could, So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed, You'd know how much they'd grown!
It also told when illness struck, As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe too, Haphazardly were strung.
It also said, "On vacation now", When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged, With not an inch to spare!
New folks in town were scorned upon, If wash was dingy and gray,
As neighbors carefully raised their brows, And looked the other way.
But clotheslines now are of the past, For dryers make work much less.
Now what goes on inside a home, Is anybody's guess!
I really miss that way of life, It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best... By what hung out!