The Divorce

by Dianne

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes,"she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.  My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

~ Wait, Why Can't You Use Phones On Planes Again? ~

by Tina~in_ut

Beaver Creek Wildfire

by Just Lin

Beaver Creek Wildfire Video from SCVP Cordovano Video&Production on Vimeo.

Coffee Anyone?

by Sac Barb and Zona

The IRS Decides To Audit Grandpa

by Dianne

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

 

 

“I'm a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa.  “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay.  Go ahead.”

 

Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It's a bet.”

  

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand and with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.

 

“Want to go double or nothing?”  Grandpa says, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

  

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney.  “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”

 

I keep telling you!  Don't Mess with Old People!!

~ What Does The Fox Say? ~

by Tina~in_ut

When my friend told me about this song yesterday, it had 11.2 million hits. Now it has 13.3 million as I post it. My son says he's going to teach his kids this song instead of Old McDonald's Farm. Crazy!!!

World's Scariest License Plate Number:

by Sac Barb

One could try to pass her, but I certainly 

wouldn't honk the horn!

THIS COULD BE US SOMEDAY

by Dianne

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 

'So I hear you're getting married?' 

'Yep!' 

'Do I know her?' 

'Nope!' 

'This woman, is she good looking?' 

'Not really.' 

'Is she a good cook?' 

'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 

'Does she have lots of money?' 

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 

'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 

'I don't know.' 

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'  

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 

'Twelve thirty.' 


 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'