I've Found Religion!

by Dianne

A  married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I  almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What  do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said,  'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said,  'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that  woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied,  'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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Catholic  Dog

Muldoon  lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,  'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor  creature?'

Father  Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal  in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no  tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon  said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet  Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?

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   Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am  92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two  hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man:  'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you  telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old  . . .   I'm telling everybody!'

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   Brothel  Trip

An  elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a  young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and  asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he  says.

'90?'  replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the  old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

------------------------------------------------------------    Pest  Control

A  woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a  pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom  together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,'  said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious  and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the  closet. 'Who  are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said  the exterminator.
  
'What  are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your  clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at  himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
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   Stress  Reliever

Girl: 'When  we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'

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 Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman  replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

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Husbands Are Husbands

A  man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head  with a frying pan.
  

 'What  was that for?' the man asked.
  

The  wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
  

 The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,Betty  was the name of the horse I bet on.'
  

 The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
  

 Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him  unconscious.
  

  Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

  Wife  replied, 'Your horse phoned!'