by Dianne
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”The mysterious man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom, and I’m St Peter”.Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away.”St. Peter replied, “Yes you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”Brian began to consider his options.He was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.“This ain’t so bad,” he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “so you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”“It’s not so bad,” replied Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”“Never,” replied Brian“Well just relax and let it happen.”So Brian focused on his breathe and relaxed, and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him. His emotions even got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
“Brian! Wake up you drunken bastard, you’re pooping the bed!”
22 comments:
Oh my! Time to give up drinking!! LOL!
Yesterday was sunny,warm, and we had beautiful blue skies. Today is chilly, gloomy and raining. Possibly 3" of rain. I got up early to get both dogs fed and get their "business" done before the downpour.
I hope you are all having a nice day.
Mary, we had rain here today also, and it was cold, for me anyway. I couldn’t seem to get warm, so I turned on the electric blanket on my bed and climbed back in. Soon the cats were in the bedroom with me and Mellie even got under the covers with me. She likes to sleep there and often I’ll see a lump under the bedspread during the day.
How does Zoie like her new ramp? That box sure looked like it had been through a lot to get to you!
Dianne, funny joke, but ewww! I agree with Mary, time to stop drinking. Nothing exciting going on at my house, except I bought a new TV for the family room. I had a 65” one in there that was about 9 years old and it just gave up! Chad did some research and we decided on a LG from Costco. It was on sale and they delivered it on Friday. It took a while for Chad to get it all hooked up to the gadgets and get Netflix and Hulu connected, but there’s really a difference in the 4G picture quality and the sound.
Dianne Thanks for the blog but this was def not my favorite joke. All I can say is, "Eeew!"
Is your back any better? I've been having tons of trouble with my sciatica in my left leg. I guess that makes me walk awkwardly and it's causing a periodic sharp pain in my right hip. It feels like a nerve gets pinched or something. It doesn't happen with every step so it really surprises me when it does and I find myself yelling, "Ouch' out loud. This may all be due to my bad posture when watching so much TV on the couch.
Are we going to have to send out a search party for you? You haven't been on the Blog since Mother's Day.
Seaside Yep, I'm the one in Pacifica. I forget where you are but if I recall correctly, you aren't too far away from me. Of course, right now everything is too far away.
Last week you asked what was for dinner. At that time I think I made chicken piccata and that was good for two nights of dinners. It was raining at one point so I made a pot of hamburger and vegetable soup. I ate that for a few dinners. I'm getting tired of cooking right now so tonight was just grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. That's always a good fall back meal. I get inspired and cook for a while and then I get lazy about it for a while. It was wonderful to have dinner at my friend's house if for no other reason than a change in scenery.
Barb Well, I haven't killed the orchid yet, but I still have plenty of time to do that. LOL
You must be enjoying your new TV. It's good that you have more than the just one so you and Chad can both watch whatever shows you prefer. This is a perfect time to have a zillion channels available. I could do something creative, but nooooo. I'm just binge watching shows on TV. I'm not moving around enough, that's for sure.
The other day I went to the north part of town to pick up dinner at a restaurant. I was craving their clam chowder, green salad with little bay shrimp on it, and garlic bread. I also got a BLT to go yesterday from the little coffee shop I like to go to. I'm hoping these local places are still going to be around when this damn pandemic runs its course. When I went to pick up my sandwich, I saw that there was a little activity next door at my nail place. They were putting up their plexi-glass dividers and getting themselves ready for when they're allowed to open. The corporation that owns the shopping center is deferring rents but not reducing them at all. The little guy is really getting screwed, all the way around.
Mary How are you, Jim and Zoie doing? We had good weather yesterday so I gave the dog a bath on the back deck. This involves me spraying the hose in a tight spray, back and forth across the deck with the dog chasing it and biting the water. Once she's good and wet, I lather her up. Then we do the chasing and biting water thing again until she's all rinsed off. LOL I don't know why she's so obsessed with the water. Of course I'm taking the opportunity to blast her on her sides and back, etc. I don't think she really knows she's getting a bath, just that it's a fun game that tires her out.
I don't think I have anything else to write about. Living alone during a pandemic does not make for any good adventures. Oh, I guess it was when I was returning with my prime rib dinner on Mother's Day .... I was driving south on the Pacific Coast Highway when this nutso homeless woman decided she should just walk across the highway against the light. Yikes! Fortunately, I saw what her plan was and was able to slow enough not to hit her but I sure did blast my horn at her.
Ok thanks for the nudge JL. I don’t know why I haven’t been on..it’s not like I was so busy and I like to come on and be my boring self. I’m glad you’re going to your little restaurants. Except for Olive Garden that one time we’ve been trying to do the same. Well..and yesterday I went to steak and shake. They are getting ready to close down and ours is the last place in Denver. My problem is that we have a lot of gift cards from there and I needed to use them. I got two nights dinner there yesterday and used up a lot but still have a couple left so I’ll be back over there soon. Do you have those where you all live? My back is still killing me. I met with a new person at pain dr office virtually yesterday. She took me off gabapentin and now I’ll try Lyrica. It’s a hit and miss thing and so far it’s been a miss. I really liked her though and she was encouraging. Any news on when your nail salon might open?
I got my hair cut, colored and highlighted on sat and boy did that feel good. I had to sign a form and then put the pen in a different cup, use sanitizer and watch her sanitize my area. No blow drying so went home with damp hair but I was fine with it. Only three people allowed in studio at a time total. Now Tammy went to her place sat but different county so blow drying allowed there and same with where Kayla works. Em started there as receptionist two days a week from 3-10. I hope it will work out because she gets a panic attack very easy and I know she was really worried about it.
Barb, fun a new tv. We are still working with Alexa here. Had electrician come to wire the front porch light for Louis to set up. Guess what? It didn’t come on tonight. He was very frustrated. Also working over the phone with my uncle trying to download my playlist. That’s not going great either. I’m just happy to listen to music I ask for and the radio station. Have you done any ordering out? I’m thinking you haven’t....pizza? They are talking about sort of opening restaurants in the next couple of weeks to 50% and encouraging to have outside eating.
Mary,I went for a walk today. We have a nice lake so I took my walker and we went for the walk. I didn’t get too far and had to rest to breath a lot but I was proud of myself for walking. Louis went with me but I told him to go ahead so he went about half way around and then back. I wanted to get him out walking again. We went at 9am (shock) but electrician was here at 8 and it was going up to 90 today. I took a nap and then cleaned out the lower cabinets and drawers of my china cabinet. I’m getting rid of all those table cloths and linen napkins I used to use. I just changed my table runner for a summer one, got some new placemats and New dining room table decoration. Kids are going to take some things, Tammy a few and rest for donation.
Seaside, what do you do with your daytime? Watch tv? Read? Anything ambitious? There’s really not much to do. I hang out on my iPad a lot during the day, nap, pick up a Starbucks for Louis just to get out of the house. Tomorrow I go to the dentist. I’m not looking forward to doing that at all.
Ok...extra long response but think I’m up to date. I want to go on a driving trip but too soon ...i just ”want” to. Dreaming. Oh one more thing, my son Todd is working at a location with 700 homeless men. It worries me for him but he said they are fully equipped. The homeless are in close sleeping arrangements and no masks! He works two days or nights a week there. Also my grandson is the working of buying a house on his own. It’s a little bit out of Denver but a new build that will be done in December. I hope it works out for him. He’s doing it on his own and has been on the same job for over a year now. We shall see but I hate to see him disappointed if it doesn’t ..time will tell.
Oh my gosh, sorry I got carried away yakking!
Well Dianne, I can't beat your novel lol! Love reading all of your posts. Not boring to me at all.
Michigan has taken quite a hit with all the rain and so many dams breaking! A couple of my friends live on one of the Lakes that flooded after the rain, then a dam broke and emptied their beautiful lake. Not sure how it will come back. North of us 3 dams broke and over 10,000 people were evacuated. Many of my relatives live in the near-by town and didn't effect them. A few friends that lived in the path of the river lost everything. How are they going to carry on with this pandemic & stay at home order? All those displaced people will have to connect with others at some point. I feel so bad for them :(
My local area had farmer's fields and basements flooded.Many roads closed due to erosion and flooding.
Our back yard had a small river running down hill from the tree farm up hill from us. The water flowed to our tiny creek that leads to the larger Grand River.
We were lucky it didn't flow towards our house!
I have binge watched "Murder She Wrote","The Rockford Files", "The Mentalist", and many Sherlock Holmes & Charlie Chan Movies. I think Alexis is getting sick of me lol!!
Dianne, I hope the Lyrica works for your back pain. How’s your jaw pain? Chad and I did order pizza on Tuesday night and he picked it up. We don’t do that too often, but he had been working on the brisket and didn’t feel like cooking. He put it in the smoker yesterday and we got to eat it tonight. It’s really good. It started out to be 18 lbs. but he cut a lot of the fat off and some of what he left on the meat melted while it cooked. He made a rub to put on it and it formed a nice crust. It just melted in my mouth. He took a big chunk of it over to my sister. She orders food in for 2-3 days at a time and it’s usually chinese food or pizza, so this is a change for her. How nice that you were able to get out for a little walk with Louis. I don’t go out in the front much because I don’t want to scare the neighbors. I could put my wig on, but I just go out back for now.
Mary, Wow, all those dams breaking is devastating. I read that most of the dams are privately owned. I was surprised by that. I’m so glad your property wasn’t affected that much. I am praying for all those who are affected. Your state is taking quite a hit in more ways than one. It seems like this pandemic is lasting forever. Developing a vaccine takes a very long time, and I worry about the speed with which they are trying to do it will not have enough testing time to feel safe in taking it. I can’t imagine what normal will look like after it’s finally over. Some of our counties have opened up, but I don’t feel comfortable going out into crowded places, yet. So far, my nail and hair place has not opened. They are working on preparing it to accommodate the new rules. Not sure how long that will take. How is Jim feeling? I know you’re worried about him.
JL, I chuckled at how you give Ursula a bath. We always had our cocker bathed and groomed by a Traveling Groomer who came to the house because he always had to get his ‘haircut’ too. He was also very difficult to bathe. We rescued him when he was about two years old and had been with a family whose kids abused him, and he snapped at anyone who groomed him. Many groomers wouldn’t work on him and we finally found one young man who could handle him. He had a big van and it was fully equipped with water and he would plug a long extension cord into an outlet we have in the carport. We didn’t even have to medicate the dog, which we had been doing every time, before. This guy was wonderful with Dart. He only charged $5 more than taking him to a groomer and he came to the house after we got home from work. We always tipped him pretty well.
Seaside, How’s everything in your world? You mentioned something about being on a board? Is that for your condo? My sister lives in a condo and she’s always talking about their board making new rules or changing old ones. She says it’s hard to keep up. Lately, she has become somewhat of a recluse and doesn’t interact much with her neighbors. After all this pandemic stuff settles down, Chad and I are hoping to talk her into moving to a Senior Residence that provides memory care.
Almost two years ago now, my bank was taken over by a different bank. It is now time for me to re-order checks for the second time since then. I just now noticed that the phone number on these checks is a number that I haven't had for 20 years! My checks with my previous bank had the correct number on them. I really thought I looked these checks over for any mistakes but apparently I did a really bad job of it. LOL They won't let me edit them online so I will have to go into the bank this week to do it in person.
Hi....well, Memorial Day weekend. Everyone have big plans? Three day weekend! Well, our big weekend was to go through rainy day weather and pick up dinner for my brother and SIL and deliver it to the nursing home. We meet my SIL there and she takes it to door of nursing home to deliver it and then we go his window and say hi and Sheila takes her dinner home. It was pouring today so even with umbrella it was a quick hi to them both. We might order from longhorn restaurant tmrw night my mother’s day steak dinner that I haven’t had yet. I’m starving for steak.
Barb, your brisket sounds delicious. That was nice Chad took some to your sister. It sounds like an assisted living wouldn’t be as lonely for her. I’m trying to see if I can walk a little further each time. I do hope the Lyrica works for me. Kathy has been promoting it for years to me as it really helped her sister. I just started it Friday so obviously no change yet. My jaw isn't as bad as it was but still hurts some and then it gives me that headache. The $500 thing to put in mouth for sleep doesn’t work good and I’m afraid I’ll swallow it! It did when I was there but not when I’m here...weird. I use a mouth guard anyway but this thing is for TMJ.
JL, funny about your phone number for all this time. I don’t use checks much anymore. Here and there. Is your bank open? Ours is by appt only. We just have drive up with long lines. It look.s like our restaurants will be slowly opening this week. We find out tmrw. The rules are really strict and the owners aren’t too happy about it but again, it’s baby steps. I don’t think I’m quite ready to try it...we shall see the rules
Mary, is your house still ok with your little river? Are you getting rain too? We ended up with the heat back on tonight here. It’s in the 40’s. Brr. Back up to mid 70’s Tuesday. Oh well, it’s not like we were having a picnic, right? How’s Jim doing? I have to lave for eye exam and Dermo appt next week. My nieces baby is due wed and we can’t wait. I have a gift at full of cute things for her already. I already gave her the bronco onesie.
Seaside....come back and talk to us. Any news on fb?
Hi....I’ve realized why my blogs are so long....you all separate posts for each person and I do all one post. Ahhhh. Now I feel better. What are you all doing Today? We kind of slept later, I wanted to walk but Louis didn’t so we are doing some small projects around here. Getting things cleaned up off the darn counters. Ordering dinner later and that’s about it. Our restaurants are for sure sort of opening on wed for sure now. I’ll wait awhile
Dianne I think Mary talks to everyone all in one post like you do. It doesn't really matter how long your posts are, anyway. I enjoy reading them.
Nothing going on here. Very quiet on my street today. I bet a lot of people are at the beach even though they aren't supposed to be. It's a warm day for Pacifica, about 78*, so you know a lot of people wanted to be at the beach. They've closed beach parking lots in an attempt to keep out-of-towners away but I don't think it helps much. It just means those people park in the parking lots of the nearby shopping centers. I'm only a mile inland so I've seen neighbors who just walk to the beach, even carrying surfboards. I'd never be able to do that as my sciatica is always alive and present when I get to the end of the block.
For dinner, I'm just having what I have on hand. Right now I'm waiting for potatoes and boiled eggs to cool so I can make potato salad. I'm defrosting some ham slices that I put in freezer from my Easter ham. I'll probably make a salad to go with the ham and potato salad.
Do you think your brother will ever be able to come home? This must be very depressing for him.
Hi there!
JustLin,I am guilty of writing to the group as a whole. I think it's called being "lazy" lol! I love home made potato salad! I'm the only one who eats it, so I just buy at the store and dr it up to my taste. Nothing like home made though.
Dianne, new babies are so exciting!I love shopping for them. I ordered a book for Myla, Raquel's little one, from Amazon. I was surprised it came this Sunday. I also ordered Zoie a new blanket that goes on my bed. I have been using a large reg blanket. It gets a bit warm.
We have been getting very hot weather. Today it got up to 85, then we got a quick Monsoon! We didn't need more rain! Our creek is pretty high, but will never reach the house, as it is quite a drop to get to it.
Jim still worries me. The humidity gets to him. I sneak a look at him now & then and see his chest rising and falling too fast to please me. I make him take his phone when he walks the dog and sometimes follow him. He is still smoking. Not in the house thank goodness!
SacBarb, Yes, our state has been hit pretty hard. I didn't know about the privately owned dams, until I read about it in the paper. I sure hope whoever is responsible is made to pay to all those poor people affected.
As I told Dianne Jim still worries me. His hearing has gotten really bad and he has trouble remembering things. He tries to cover, but I can tell he is struggling. He has had shoulder pain along with pain in his legs.I tried to get him to see a Dr., but he is too afraid to go to the clinic for fear of catching the virus. It would surely kill him!
He wants to get a different bed, one lower to the ground and not so firm. He fell out of bed again last night. Oye Vey!
Jim went to his Dr/assistant, and was told to see his Neurologist. He may be getting a stint put in his leg. His circulation is terrible!
It has rained most of the day. We didn't need it! Glad we had our garden tilled yesterday. Jim can't do it anymore. I asked one of my neighbors if he knew someone who could do it. H said he would contact another neighbor about it. I asked him what he thought he would charge. He said, "Oh, just a couple of beers" lol.
Jim had to go pick up a few beers for himself, so I asked him to pick up a 6pack, just in case the guy comes. Glad he got it because he was hear the very next day. I offered him money along with the beer, but he would not accept the money. I love my country neighbors! He is fairly new to our area, so we hadn't met. He only lives a half a mile away in a newly built home.
Now to wait for the ground to dry a bit so I can put in my veggies.
"Hear?" good grief!
Hello Ladies. I’m watching Seth Myers with Rhianna and they are both drinking copious amount of adult beverages. It’sz
a bit he sometimes does on his late night show with various celebrities. He usually consumes much more alcohol than his guests and gets really stupid drunk. All this week he has been showing repeat shows. I’ve enjoyed some of the late night shows that the hosts have been doing from home. I truly am a night owl.
Mary, how nice of your neighbor to till your yard so you can plant a summer garden. That deserved at least a six-pack. When I was first married, we lived in Santa Maria which is farm country and in the 60’s was pretty rural. We had great neighbors that would help Bob with big projects and always shared their garden vegetables with us. I have lived in my current house since 1968 and we were close with all the neighbors because all the kids went to school and played sports together. All the families did things together and helped each other. Then the kids grew up and most of the parents moved away and Now I only know a few of my neighbors. It’s very different now.
JL, Every time you mention your sciatica It reminds me of the flares I used to have before my back surgery. I know the pain you are having. I haven’t had it since my back surgery. And I also understand the hip thing, because my hip starts screaming after walking about a block, too. Remember when we were in Vegas and had to walk around the ‘block’ at Cesar’s to get to that show? That woman told us it wasn’t far, but it felt like a mile. Both of us were in pain.
Dianne, How was your holiday weekend? Did you get to go for a drive? How is Em doing as the receptionist? Our salons can open up now to do hair but not nails, but they have a lot of restrictions, according to Sheenah. She called me today to let me know it would be longer before I can get a mani/pedi. It’s been so long now that all my nails are all broken off. I filed them hoping I could save them, but when all the silk and polish finally got filed off, they started breaking. My natural nails are like paper thin.
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