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Sunday, January 8, 2012

Some Guys Have All The Luck

by Zona






I love Rod Stewart. I love his music..his voice..his smile..his personality. I've been listening to him since I was a teenager and I can't think of a single song of his that I don't like. I really think it's the video that makes this song one of my very favorites. I hope you like it as much as I do. btw..I also love his red sneakers..js..  :D

Saturday, January 7, 2012

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

by Dianne


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you
been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'                                                          
     'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. 
When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,
 
AND FINALLY!!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
 
 
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know, 'she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came'

Friday, January 6, 2012

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE?

by Maureen


When I started watching the CHiPs videos, I posed the question of which Chippy was your favorite...Ponch or Baker? So I started thinking about other old favorites.
 
Which group was your favorite...The Cowsills or The Partridge Family?
I preferred the Cowsills music but still enjoyed watching the Partridge Family.
 
Who did you like better...David Cassidy or Donny Osmond or Bobby Sherman?
My fav was Bobby Sherman, but I did join the Donny Osmond fan club and he sent me a postcard!
 
Who was your favorite Monkey?
Mine was Peter Tork because all my friends 'LOVED' Davey Jones.
 
Who was your favorite Beatle?
I always liked Ringo the best...maybe because he was kinda odd!
 
Who was your favorite Brat Packer...Judd Nelson, Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy or Emilio Estevez?
Andrew McCarthy, Andrew McCarthy, Andrew McCarthy!!! Can you guess who mine was? LOL!
 
Who was your favorite Brady?
Peter...especially the episode where his voice cracks!! Couldn't stand Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
 
Who is your favorite Bridges brother...Beau or Jeff?
Jeff...still a hottie!
 
Who is your favorite 3 Men and a Baby...Ted Danson, Tom Selleck or Steve Guttenberg?
I liked Steve Guttenberg the best.
 
Who is your favorite Owl?
LOL!!! I plead the 5th! You're all my favorite!
 
And, for you moms...who's your favorite child!! bwahahahaha
 
Do you have any other classic rivalries to include? Play along!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

The difference between Grandpas and Grandmas

by Dianne

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time--just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather, who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked. "Oh,yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dip shit, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!" Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? 

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

NEW Ohio Law: Beware!

by Maureen


The Ohio Highway Patrol are cracking down on speeders heading towards and into the city of Cleveland. For the first offense, they give you two Cleveland Browns tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.


Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A.
The Cleveland Browns .

Q. What do the
Cleveland Browns and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ . '

Q. How do you keep a
Cleveland Brown out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a
Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the
Cleveland Browns and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many
Cleveland Browns does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the
Cleveland Browns and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
So sad, but so true!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

"This Is My Story" - Ben Breedlove Flash Card Video

by Michael




After cheating death three times, Ben Breedlove, 18, finally lost his life on Christmas night after suffering from a heart attack.

But not before he recorded videos of his life and near-death experiences and how at peace he felt when he believed he was leaving the world.

The Austin teenager had a life-threatening heart condition he fought every day as he was growing up.

He had a near death experience when he was four, fourteen and then less than a month ago.

In the video, he shares these experiences, including the bright light that brought him peace the first time around.

Talking about the white light he saw in the hospital when he was four he wrote: 'I couldn't take my eyes off it, and I couldn't help but smile. I had no worries at all, like nothing else in the world mattered.'

It was in his last YouTube video, uploaded on December 18, that he made the heartbreaking video, using a series of flash cards to talk about growing up with the heart problem.


He revealed he regrets not being like everyone else: 'I was never allowed to play sports that my friends did. It kinda sucks that I missed out on that part of my life.'

Death drifted close during a routine tonsil surgery this summer. And at school Dec. 6, Breedlove again nearly died.

His vision then was detailed: Dressed in a suit, he stood in a white room with a mirror but no walls. Accompanied only by Kid Cudi, his favorite rapper, Breedlove felt a sense of pride for everything he'd accomplished in his life.

"It was the BEST feeling," he wrote in one of the signs.

Kid Cudi placed a hand on the teen's shoulder, and he heard his favorite track by the rapper, one with the lyrics: "When will the fantasy end? When will heaven begin?"

The rapper posted this message on his blog after hearing of Ben's death: 'I am so sad about Ben Breedlove. I watched the video he left for the world to see, and him seeing me in detail, in his vision really warmed my heart. 

'I broke down... To Ben’s family, you raised a real hero, he’s definitely mine. You have my love.'

That time, Breedlove wrote, he did not want to be revived.

An emergency responder who brought the teen back said he was smiling before he was resuscitated, said John Burke, a pastor at Gateway Church.

Watching the teen's video after his death, Kid Cudi "broke down," the rapper wrote on his blog.
Ally Breedlove, Ben's sister, sought to impart the meaning of her brother's message to hundreds of family and friends gathered at the church.

"Today is a celebration of the joy Ben brought to our lives," she said, "and it's also a chance to find truth in the message that he left for us."

At the end of Breedlove's video, he holds up two final signs. The first asks, "Do you believe in Angels or God?"

The second says, "I Do."

Burke, the pastor, asked mourners to consider the video's impact.

"Just think about the gift that Ben has left millions of people all over the world," he said. "He put thought into that last video."




Monday, January 2, 2012

Church Ladies with Typewriters

 by Maureen

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
 
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. 

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. 

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 


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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. 


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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 


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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 


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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.