Mexican Jews

by Maureen

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los
Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born
and raised in Mexico?" 

Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cooks."

He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the
cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once
again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in Mexico .. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican
Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE... All we have is
Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews!"

UNREAL REALITY TV!

by Maureen

Have you had the opportunity to watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo? OMG. I know there is no reality in reality TV, but this SURREAL!

 

They refer to themselves as "red necks" and I can think of no more perfect adjective. They certainly do put the FUN in dysfunctional! One of their favorite things to do is go mudding...yes they play in the mud! And it seems they pretty much live on junk food and I do believe road kill!

 

They are a family of Mom, 4 daughters and Sugar Bear...Honey Boo Boo's daddy. I don't know if mom and Sugar Bear are married, but a few episodes ago they had their first date! And one of the teenage daughters is expecting her first daughter.

 

Of course one of my favorite family members is Glitzy, the pet piglet! Sadly they had to give her back to the breeder, but she was a cutie patootie. But, and there is a BIG but...they let that little piggy walk on the table and yep, you guessed it, it took a dump on their table! She did fit right in as she had a rather imposing flatulence issue, but then again so does Mom! And she doesn't hold back!

 

Honey Boo Boo is the star of the show. She is around 6 or 7 and an aspiring beauty queen. That is another issue I have and maybe another blog in itself. I do give the kid credit, she works hard. But the real defining quality of Honey is her attitude! And she has 'tude to spare! She can teach graduate level additude...with a shake of her head and 2 snaps at least!! She is quite endearing...in a red neck sort of way!!!

 

As dysfunctional as each and every one of them are, they love each other ginormously. They make it work!

In some odd way, they really do have strong family values.

 

If you haven't seen this yet, give it a try...you might like it. Or be repulsed!!

Dear God, It's me, the dog

by Maureen

Dear God: Is it on purpose that Our
Names are spelled the same, only in reverse?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit
on your couch? Or will it be the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after
the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE
named for a Dog? How often do you
see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car
ride! Would it be so hard to rename
the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off
in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human
verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee
flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs,
less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Here is a list of
just some of the things I must remember
to be a good Dog:
1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats
it or after he throws it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.  

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's
underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's
crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside,
and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living
room, and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy',
so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven,
May I have my testicles back?

Twins Days

by Maureen

This weekend marks the 36th Twins Days festival in my sleepy little burgh of, where else but, Twinsburg! My little town of less then 19,000 people plays host to thousands of multiples from all over the world to celebrate twin-dom! I am not a gracious host, as I make sure to get the heck out of dodge for the weekend!

 

In 1976, in celebration of the Bi-Centennial, the first festival was held with a whopping 36 sets of twins. Now, wherever you look you see what you just saw! Twins, triplets, quads and quints! If a face looks familiar it's because you just saw it on someone else!

 

 

 

I enjoy seeing the matching babies and octogenarians and every age in between, but seeing double takes its toll! The traffic is horrendous and the noise is terrible. The festival takes place at the high school which is literally around the corner from my house. My street is blocked off on Saturday morning due to the parade through town. And even when it is finally opened, forget making a left turn out of it and going right takes you right into the midst of it.

 

So, as a benevolent action on my part, I make the sacrifice and remove myself and 1 more car from the traffic jams!

 

It really is a great weekend for the multiples, their families and the local economy. I hope the tradition carries on for at least another 36 years and beyond. And I hope I continue to have a place to escape to each of those years!!!

 

Be sure to Google the festival and see the smiling faces and matching outfits...in stereo!!

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

by Maureen

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil in-tent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

CHILDREN WRITING ABOUT THE OCEAN

by Maureen

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Richard, age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Beg Your Pardon???

by Maureen

Role Model for Senior Citizens

by Maureen

The importance of having an occupation after retirement As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

          "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE?

by Maureen

When I started watching the CHiPs videos, I posed the question of which Chippy was your favorite...Ponch or Baker? So I started thinking about other old favorites.

 

Which group was your favorite...The Cowsills or The Partridge Family?

I preferred the Cowsills music but still enjoyed watching the Partridge Family.

 

Who did you like better...David Cassidy or Donny Osmond or Bobby Sherman?

My fav was Bobby Sherman, but I did join the Donny Osmond fan club and he sent me a postcard!

 

Who was your favorite Monkey?

Mine was Peter Tork because all my friends 'LOVED' Davey Jones.

 

Who was your favorite Beatle?

I always liked Ringo the best...maybe because he was kinda odd!

 

Who was your favorite Brat Packer...Judd Nelson, Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy or Emilio Estevez?

Andrew McCarthy, Andrew McCarthy, Andrew McCarthy!!! Can you guess who mine was? LOL!

 

Who was your favorite Brady?

Peter...especially the episode where his voice cracks!! Couldn't stand Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

 

Who is your favorite Bridges brother...Beau or Jeff?

Jeff...still a hottie!

 

Who is your favorite 3 Men and a Baby...Ted Danson, Tom Selleck or Steve Guttenberg?

I liked Steve Guttenberg the best.

 

Who is your favorite Owl?

LOL!!! I plead the 5th! You're all my favorite!

 

And, for you moms...who's your favorite child!! bwahahahaha

 

Do you have any other classic rivalries to include? Play along!

NEW Ohio Law: Beware!

by Maureen

The Ohio Highway Patrol are cracking down on speeders heading towards and into the city of Cleveland. For the first offense, they give you two Cleveland Browns tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.


Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Cleveland Browns .

Q. What do the Cleveland Browns and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ . '

Q. How do you keep a Cleveland Brown out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Cleveland Browns and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Cleveland Browns does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the Cleveland Browns and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

So sad, but so true!

Church Ladies with Typewriters

 by Maureen

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

 
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 

-------------------------- 

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

-------------------------- 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. 

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

-------------------------- 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

-------------------------- 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. 

-------------------------- 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

-------------------------- 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 

-------------------------- 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. 

-------------------------- 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

-------------------------- 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

-------------------------- 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

MY INNER DORK SURFACES...AGAIN!

by Maureen

If there is a category and award for DORK of the DAY, I would like to nominate myself!

 

Picture this...Sicily 1935...Ooops, sorry I was having a Golden Girls moment.

 

I drive a silver Accord. It seems to be a pretty popular model around here. It is a 2001 sedan. Nothing fancy, but in pretty good shape. Especially the front end which was replaced last year after that old hussy T-Boned me.

 

So, tonight I go to the gas station to buy a pop and smokes. I was the second car on the right. The car to my left was  parked in front of the Red Box, where there was a couple getting movies.

 

When I came out, I walked up to "my" car and noticed a nasty rusty scratch on the left front side. I walked up to it and felt it, rubbed it and proceeded to cuss out the body shop that had done the repairs. What did they use that made my car start to rust out?There was nothing that I hit and it just seemed odd. I then proceeded to open the driver's door and wondered, out loud, why "my" door wasn't locked. At that point, I'm sure you can guess what comes next.

 

As I am about to get into the car, the woman getting the movies hurries over and informs me that that is HER car! Yep. Of course I could only say..."yes, it is and that is my car", pointing to my car. I was sooooo embarrassed! Then the guy says he was just glad I didn't take his pizza!! I apologized and got into MY car (and the door was indeed locked) and listened the laughter resonating from my cars twin!

 

At least they laughed!! And after the red drained from my face, so did I!!

 

If I do indeed win the DotD Award, following is my acceptance speech!

 

I would like to thank my miniscule bladder for not allowing me to sleep thru the night, leaving me so tired I can't recognize my car!

 

I would like to thank my boss for letting me work overtime every night since last week that has left me so tired I can't recognize my car!

 

And I would like to thank all my friends and family that recognize my eccentricities (or insert the word dork-osity) and accept and love me because of, or in spite, of them!!

 

I sure hope I am in the right house and using my lap top!!!

Redneck Poetry

by Maureen

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN!!

by Maureen

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating." 

Sally raised her hand.  She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.  She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

Teachers & Cops

by Maureen

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
 2. I would not allow this student to breed.
 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)
 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
 7. This child has been working with glue too much.
 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."  (LOVE IT) 
 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"  (MY FAVORITE) 
 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."  (National Crime Information Center) 
 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
 14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
 AND THE WINNER IS....
 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."