by Maureen
Paraprosdokian sentences:A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a phrase.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with his experience.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening',
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money,
if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
"If an emergency, notify:"
I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
"Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until
they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real,
but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home,
even if you wish they were.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling
and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt,
plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire,
remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.
Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it
as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes,
why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
