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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Three Hours


I lied to me, I lied to you, I lied to them. I could not help it, I did not know what else to do. I just could not be honest, and if I was, that would mean it was true, and I could not face the truth. As much as I wanted all to go well, in my mind it was a disaster.

The truth sometimes is blinding, you can't see it, you don't want to see it. So the blinding continues, as you lie to yourself. I am sorry I lied to me, to you and to them.

I counted the hours, all three of them. The words that fumbled out of my mouth were at times meaningless, they were just words so the clock would move another second, another minute and so on, and all they were where words. And the clocked ticked....

My hardest was given, I really tried, I believe I pulled it off. Well, I made them think I pulled it off. Perhaps I didn't, Perhaps they know, no words will be spoken.

It was a lie tho, nothing was true about it. The stress that emerged that night will not be forgotten for a long time. I was alone fighting a fight of my childhood, trying to find the balance, trying to understand him.

I have now found the truth, it is so raw, so revealing, so shocking, as I lived the lie for these last few days, and now I see the truth. I wish in my mind I stuck with the lie, as no one would have known, I could have just let it go. However that is not me, I can't let it go. The truth had to be revealed, for I needed to see it.

And on I go~~

119 comments:

  1. Good morning Zona!!!!!

    Congrats on first!!!!!!!!

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  2. YAY!! That was for DIANNE who is sleeping in Denver. She said she would probably never get FIRST--well she just did!! Congrats DIANNE!!! :)

    Off to read the blog!

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  3. Carol...
    I am so sorry that , that evening was so bad for you....
    (((HUGS)))))
    ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!

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  4. Good morning, Carol, Zona, Ibebold and everyone!

    Congratulations for being the fastest hooter Zona!

    Carol, it's a very deep and meaningful post. Yet I feel completely lost. I hope you are well, and you do not allow those three hours to define you.

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  5. From area 51...
    NN/LL... so sorry for lose....way too young...

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  6. CPGEM: Sometimes we just have to keep the peace..and that is often a very, very difficult thing to do. So we smile, and nod and pretend everything is all right..and it isn't. Please don't be so hard on yourself..as everyone has been in these situations. Everyone understands. I don't lie either...but there were times I learned to just "grin and bear it". As much as I hated it, it's what was required.

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  7. Carol....I'm lost too...was it the dinner? Whatever it was, I hope you are ok. I think we all have had those situations were we just try to make the best of it. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don't. What I think is important is that we try, that is, until we can no longer do it for our own piece of mind. Then, sometimes we just have to walk away. My thoughts will be with you today as you struggle through whatever is causing you this grief.

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  8. I am off again to see if I can get this procedure done...Wish me luck!!!

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  9. Good Morning Hooters

    Congrats on 1st Zona!! You have mail....

    Carol, I am sorry you are upset. I dont' know the reason, not my business- but hope you are ok.

    Have a peaceful day everyone.

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  10. Morning Glories!

    Diane got first by way of Zona! Way to go!

    Carol very powerful blog. Not exactly sure what you are dealing with but this last paragraph struck me

    "I have now found the truth, it is so raw, so revealing, so shocking, as I lived the lie for these last few days, and now I see the truth. I wish in my mind I stuck with the lie, as no one would have known, I could have just let it go. However that is not me, I can't let it go. The truth had to be revealed, for I needed to see it."

    Sometimes knowing the truth finally helps us to move on and heal. I hope this is true for you. We lie to ourselves for so many reasons and when the truth is revealed many times it is so painful and hard to look at but when we do I think we come out much better in the end. JMHO

    Sending you (((Hugs))) because I sense you need them today.

    Scrish good luck on the proceedure today. I really hope it works.

    Lani from reading the comments in area 51 it sounds like you are going to be a Grandma! Congratulations to you!

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  11. Happy Wednesday from sunny San Diego.

    Carol, I ahve read the blog and I think I have missed something, but I agree with Zona. Sometimes keeping the peace means not telling the whole truth.

    Also aving a wing at Zona, IBB, LL, Scirish, and all who land later.

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  12. Goldie Holy Craparoni! I saw the amount for your one day bill and about lost it! Thank goodness you have medical! It really underlines why everyone needs medical and we really need to address this issue!

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  13. Oops, sorry for the errors...not used to this computer.

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  14. Good morning Goldie and LynnD. We were typing at the same time.

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  15. Zona:
    Congrats on First!

    Morning:
    IBB, Zona, Lois, Scirish, Goldie, LynnD, Sac Barb....

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  16. Carol, is this something to do with your SSO?

    Hugs!

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  17. Goldie:
    Wow, I saw that bill yesterday, and you are so right, thank goodness for health insurance, each month when I pay the bill I complain, but it is so worth it....

    And

    My business is your business...My brother made a appearance at my house the other night, for three hours...

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  18. There is blog called "Clemente" here on the nest, I don't remember when I wrote you.. Clemente is my brother.

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  19. Zona:
    "Sometimes we just have to keep the peace..and that is often a very, very difficult thing to do. So we smile, and nod and pretend everything is all right..and it isn't."

    You are so right, that is exactly what I did... I guess I am not the only one. Thanks for sharing that you "grin and bare" as well. And you are right again, in certain circumstances it is a requirement...

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  20. LynnD:
    You have no idea how much better I feel this morning, I have been holding this in since Sunday.

    I reread what you copied from my blog, and yes the truth helps...

    Thank You!

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  21. CPGEM: The blog was on Jan. 20th..BIG {{HUGS}}...

    SACBARB: I hope you have a good time...send me a pic!! ;)

    GOLDIE: Got it! :)

    HI BEAR! HI LYNND!

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  22. Sacbarb:
    Yes I did not say a word, as it was just easier to keep the peace, because its family....

    But writing it surly helped...

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  23. Zona:
    Thanks for looking it up....

    Wow, Jan 20, that was our first month here on the nest, so it was one of my first blogs.. Geez I was struggling then with him, and I am still in the struggle...

    I guess somethings just don't go away...

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  24. I will say....

    This nest is def cheaper than seeing a psychiatrist.. I feel better already...

    The only thing that is different is I am in a upright position typing, instead of laying down.. I think the laying down mode is overrated. I much prefer the upright position...

    :O)

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  25. Carol I am glad you feel better, and hope you continue to. Sometimes putting it in black and white really helps.

    Ibebold, thank you.

    Good luck Scrirish!! I'll be keeping my wings crossed for you. Oh SHIT! I shouldn't try flying and waving a wing back at Barb, when my wings are crossed. ;)

    P.S. I commented again on the wrong name. Sheesh with these wings crossed, I'm a mess!

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  26. Good Morning Zona and Sacbarb!!

    I was reading about grinning and bearing it for family peace and I had to laugh because I have had occasions when I just wanted to grin and bend over and bare it to many times in my family! LOL

    I am home this morning. Mr. Lynn D did not wake up in time to go to the ride share and took my car. So I have a day off from the food bank. Must get more things done at home like clear off my kitchen table before Thanksgiving.

    Will check in more today.

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  27. Oh Carol, did you get my MySpace message?

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  28. Sacbarb:
    I just realized you are blogging from San Diego... Fun...

    Enjoy!!!

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  29. Lois:
    No, I usually don't go on myspace during the day, because I am at work. However I will take a peak...

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  30. Scirish:
    Good Luck today, I will be thinking of you...

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  31. Ok guys, I have to start working..

    Thanks to you all...

    See ya all later...

    Mek:
    Did you sleep in late?

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  32. Scirish, I hope the procedure goes well for you today. (((HUGS)))

    Zona, I didn't bring my camera, so no pics.

    Carol, Yes, I am in SD. My son is 'allowing' me to use his computer, however I am banned from MySpace. He doesn't trust that site.

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  33. Awww, Carol that wasn't a true lie. You were just trying to be kind and not disrupt the family peace and cause kaos. I don't see it as a lie at all. you were being good hearted and caring towards your family. I think I have the story right and it has to do with your brother coming to visit with his new girlfriend. My nephew does this all the time. He's a player and we pretend that each girl is the first one we have met. He is 24 years old and I hope he grows out of this soon. It's not really up to us how he lives his life. I am not his Mother so I tell my sister how I feel and she lets him have it when need be.
    On a seperate note.....
    Outatuune is back from her vacation.
    Grandma Moses finally had a chance to come to chat.
    ReneeEve is having a lot to deal with. her sister was in the ER. The boys are sick and I think she is also.
    I am going to the Chiropracter this afternoon and an hour long massage. Yay! So you sweet Owls have a wonderful day!...Especially you carol. Your blog was deep.You don't tell lies. That's just not you. you might fib to be kind but that's OK. I do it also. It's the right thing to do IMHO.It keeps the peace and makes life happier for those arround us.

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  34. I'm back from the Dr...and.....OMFG!!! This had better work...I actually have teeth marks in my hand...I was biting it to keep from yelling. I am full of novicaine now, so it doesn't feel too bad, but one side hurts when I put weight on my leg. This ought to be fun later.

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  35. Carol...Glad you are feeling better..I sympathize totally!! I have a family member that I limit contact with as the relationship is not healthy for me. It took me a long time to get to that point. I kept trying and trying and kept getting upset. I finally stopped trying. We talk once in a great while, but it is much better this way

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  36. Something peculiar happened yesterday. I use the word arse on this blog only. The word arse with my name attached ended up on another blog. How could that be? I don't have a twin.
    Anyhow we all enjoyed the laugh. Thanks for the chuckle!
    Skirish I hope this works for you! Have you heard of the saline injections? Sports doctors use it and they say it wards off the pain.
    Gotta run for now! Have a great day all!

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  37. Dreama...Yup...they tried them first, but nothing happened. Thanks for the suggestion tho.

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  38. HI Owls!
    ~
    Dear Cpgem8,
    I have to say that I love you no matter what...THE END.♥♥♥
    ~
    Great day everyone! :)

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  39. Honesty is supposed to be the best policy, however, at times it is better to let it go. If we lived in a perfect world, constructive criticism, etc would be given graciously, and accepted graciously, but we don't live in a perfect world. CAROL, you are a good person for looking at the situation and questioning the event. It shows that you are a person of good character. I have found that many times our blog is VERY therapeutic. I hope I didn't misinterpret what you were saying.

    SLIN, You were right. If I wait a minute to hit preview/comment I don't have to re enter.

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  40. :)

    Trying to avoid laundry. Can you relate?!

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  41. Carol, Amy Brennerman said on the View today that we have to have a safe place to tell our truth. Apparently, it wasn't safe for you and you did what you had to do. The nest is always safe, however, and we have you to thank for that.

    I'm going to take the granddog for a walk. It is a beautiful sunny day and I am going to take advantage of it.

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  42. Carol this is a difficult topic for me. Obviously it is difficult for you as well. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. If I did I would use them on myself. Thanks for sharing. (((HUGS)))

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  43. Zona congrats on 1st!

    Good afternoon IBB, No Newz (sorry for your loss), Scirish (I hope it works for you), Goldie, Lynn D, Sacbarb, Whabbear, Dreama, Jax and Lani.

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  44. Hi Guys! I've had a busy couple of days and haven't had time to fly in.

    Congrats on first, Dianne (aka Zona)!

    Scirish, I hope it works!!

    Carol, although I didn't understand the issue, I could understand and feel your pain. I'm so glad you feel better after sharing. You're never alone!

    sacbarb, how is San Diego? I've always wanted to go there. I used to tell my parents that I HAD to go because it tells me to-- SanDie go. Get it?

    Lois, I'm so sorry about your cousin.

    Renee, big hugs and prayers to you. I'm thinking about you.

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  45. No_Newz...
    Glad you understood what i meant...
    cause reading back I almost didn't...
    it was supposed to read
    sorry for your loss!!

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  46. Shirley:
    Yes, its just as difficult for me...
    I know how ya feel ♥♥

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  47. Sacbarb:
    Hmmm...safe place to tell the truth!
    Yes, apparently so... thanks

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  48. Lani:
    No you have not misinterpreted, you got it... And thanks

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  49. Jax:
    Hey I did not see ya up there... Hello and thank you!

    BTW...
    Have you been holding Birdee captive? It seems she has lost her wings.. :O)

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  50. Carol~ i loved your blog and you as well~

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  51. hodi~ u weren't the only person to call me that name yesterday, btw~

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  52. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~

    I'll think I'll take a sunny vacation~ tomorrow~ :D

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  53. Carol, can you direct me to the date you posted about your brother? I'm remembering snippets, but not the complete story...

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  54. Hi Everybody! Congrats on first Zona.
    I hope everyone had a great Wednesday!

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  55. My dear Carol,

    After reading over and over your Blog today, I am still at a loss as to its meaning.

    Maybe that is as it should be.

    Your inner thoughts and feelings, perhaps should remain just that. YOURS. Not OURS.

    On the other hand, this Blog is a safe haven, one that we all can come to and tell our "truth", whatever it may be.

    I also went back and re-read the Blog, on January 20th, regarding your brother Clemente.

    That was a heartbreaking, yet cathartic blog. You poured out your innermost feelings. I cannot imagine any lies in feelings. But then again, I am not you, and I do not know what you are truly feeling.

    I only hope that in writing today's Blog, you have come to a new understanding, and hopefully have lifted a huge burden from your shoulders.

    With Peace, Understanding & Unconditional Love to All,
    Donna Jean

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  56. Hello,
    Is this still working? Is it Owl hunting season and all the Owls are hiding?

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  57. CAROL...thank you dear one for exposing your innermost feeling like that. I feel honored to be able to read those thoughts you so beautifully wrote.

    I think that your feelings are YOURS and yours alone. You can't be forced to feel something about someone or an event that is not true to you. However, the ginormity (is that a word?)of your heart allowed you to take into consideration the feelings of your family. I am proud to call you friend.

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  58. Zona Congrats on being first today!

    scirish I'm sorry that procedure was so painful. I sure hope it helps you.

    SacBarb How fun that you can visit with us from San Diego. I haven't been there for years but I always enjoyed it. I took my kids to the zoo there when they were very young.

    Carol No matter how I try to express my thoughts, it is not coming out the way I want. So let me be brief and just say that we cannot choose our relatives. Maybe you feel like you were being phony to be polite and cordial at the dinner. But he is your parent's son and you did it out of respect for them, not him. And you did it to be a gracious hostess to his girlfriend, a guest in your home who is blameless. And you did it because you are a lady.

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  59. Well, I have stepped 9,333 steps today and I haven't gotten out of my work clothes YET. I am going to change into my PJs and hit the hay! Sweet dreams to all and to all a good night.

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  60. Iteach is reaching into her pants and pulling out her pedometer that is attached to her granny undies.

    It says 9,842!

    I'm not ready to go to bed, yet, so I should get to 10,000 easily.

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  61. I have typed, retyped, deleted, typed, and backed spaced to try and come up with the just right words.



    So much to share, but the words are not flowing.

    All I can say is that I understand,boy do I understand.

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  62. Ha! You beat me!! Yay iteach!! WTG! You won't tomorrow though, I am gonna go over 12,000. :)

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  63. Thanks, DG! I just went back and read, not just Carol's blog from January 20, but quite a few of the comments from that day (there were over 500).

    Wow! I am sorry.... I'd forgotten so much about the owls and their lives. Lynn D, I'd totally forgotten your story, and Mary in Michigan's.

    That was an awesome day in the nest, no doubt about it. Very worthwhile re-reading if you're as forgetful as I am!

    And Carol, in response to a question of mine about what your brother has done since he left his family, you wrote:

    "My brother is doing greathe loves his life, he works two jobs,as he is still paying child support for my youngest nephew who is in college.

    He lives alone at the jersey shore about a block from the beach,it seems he loves solitude, and I guess that is ok.

    I see him a couple of times a year
    holidays mostly."

    What's happened since then?

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  64. J/L:
    Your words came out perfectly, because that is exactly what I did, I respected my parents, and tried to make our house guest as comfortable as possible. So yes it was a lie of sorts, but it had to be down... Thanks so very much...

    Iteach:
    I adore you

    Tina
    Right back attca

    Whabby:
    Since then nothing has changed, he lives his life away from us, and when he decides to pop in he does. He came for dinner sunday night, and yep, nothing has changed.. Just so very strained...

    Mo:
    "ginormity" love that word, and that is what my heart did.. Thanks so very much!!

    Ronnie:
    I think you are so very special

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  65. Whabby:
    You have be curious, I will go back to that blog and read it again...

    Also..

    Lots of protests today for Prop 8 in NYC, its all over our news..

    Also...

    The state of CT, as of today same sex marriage is allowed... Hooray for CT...

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  66. Tinka:
    Thinking of you and hope you sleep well...

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  67. I am going to buy a pedometer (is that what its called) this weekend.

    I think goldie said, walmart/target.

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  68. Donna Jean:
    My feelings were true, however I lied to others and put on a pretense, just to please my family.

    And hence my blog, as I had to get the true feeling out, and be true to myself...

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  69. Has anyone heard from Scirish, I wonder how the new procedure went as the day went on...

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  70. We really have to find Birdee before Thanksgiving, as if we run out of Turkeys and chickens are needed..

    Oh the thought.....

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  71. Carol As long as you have made your true feelings known to your brother, there are no lies. You can still be cordial for the sake of your parents and your guest.

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  72. Hi Hooters~~Gosh, I've missed you guys!!

    My computer rolled over and played dead the morning of 11/05. I think a nasty virus snuck through my Norton 360. Internet Explorer went ballistic, and I couldn't even re-boot Windows to run tests. Long story short, thanks to a wonderful tech-guru, I'm back in business today but getting used to Mozilla Firefox. It's s'posed to be much better, but at the moment it feels like I've moved into a new home. So much nicer than the old place, but not quite broken in and feeling 'homey'. Didn't lose any files, favorites, or links....just have to find what 'packing box' they're all in after the move. Any hot tips, Firefox users?

    Hope to catch up on your lives and nest blogs I've missed by tomorrow. Just couldn't get 'er done in a reserved hour per day at the library. But....did I mention that I REALLY missed you?

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  73. Carol: That's what friends are for! :)

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  74. Bon!!!!

    Hello! Missed ya...

    BTW..
    Have you seen birdee???

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  75. Bon:
    I use Mozilla all the time, you are going to love it....

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  76. Hey Bon...
    Carol ... marching!!!!!

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  77. WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
    Happy Dance......

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  78. Argh! I wasn't paying attention and I got marched on! Congrats on 100 IBB!!

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  79. Just Lin... you almost snuck in on 100!!!!!!!!!
    Hey Lady...How are you...

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  80. Ibb:
    Sorry I missed the march, I was eating ice cream :O)

    Congrats on 100... Happy Dance for you!

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  81. I am off to bed...

    Good night all...

    See ya tomorrow...

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  82. IBB I'm good. I did girly stuff today. Got my hair and nails done.

    Carol Hmmmm, ice cream?

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  83. Night Carol...

    Just /Lin... it is fun to girly stuff every now and then...

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  84. IBB I don't think of myself as a girly girl but a certain amount of "upkeep" is necessary. LOL

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  85. IBB~~Hi, kiddo. WOW, I ducked under the table just in time!

    Thanks, Carol & J/L for the welcome backs! I'm liking Firefox already, except I'm not hearing MS Playlists....not sure what needs a reset or tweak, but y'all know I gotta have tunes, whether yours or mine. HELP!!! (Just sent an email to my tech. He graciously offered to stay 'on-call'.)

    Bear~~Good thing I wasn't around to rant about Prop 8, but...you know.

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  86. I am definetly NOT girly either....!!!!

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  87. I would never run over you BonO...

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  88. Well I am off to dream land...
    Have a great night all...

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  89. Bon'O: I KNOW you would have been ranting and foaming at the mouth!

    I missed that, and you!

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  90. CAROL - Wow!! Thank you for sharing such intimate feelings with us. I find at times that I have done the same thing, but if I am not true to myself it causes much stress. I know your heart was in the right place, but I'm glad that you are being true to yourself now. I know for me it feels like a giant load has been lifted. I'm sorry I didnt' post earlier, but was dealing with a flooding issue in my kitchen. Thankfully MR. JODI was able to fix the problem. Just love it when he is actually able to be handy.....I also love a man with a tool belt!!! :P

    NO NEWZ - After your blog the other day, I reached out to some of my cousins. Guess what?!!? We're getting together for a girl's night out tonight!! I'll be thinking about you and your family as you say farewell to your cousin. Gentle ((((hugs)))) from Wisconsin. :D
    I hope everyone has a great Thursday!!

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  91. Jodi Have a wonderful time with your cousins!

    Good night, Hooters!

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  92. Good Morning Everyone!!!

    Carol, ♥♥♥

    There are time's when I wish I could hide my feeling's about my brother, for my mothers sake. I have not spoken to him since my dad died in '05...well...I did let a few cuss word' fly shortly after.

    We got along fairly ok until then. But, now when he come's around, I can barely stand to look at him.
    I love his wife and kid's and alway's have fun with them when they are at my mother's. But, I will not speak to him, not even a *hello*.
    If he want's me and the rest of his sister's and brother to treat him differently, all he has to do is admit that his total disregard for us and his Hateful attitude and word's were wrong.
    I have over looked thing's in the past and tried to keep peace. Put up with his arrogance, playing the victim, etc......But, this time he struck when we were all at our lowest point!

    If he want's my forgiveness, he will have to ask for it.
    Sometime's... I think I will just give it to him, but that would do nothing but enable him more.

    ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

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  93. Birdee:

    I so understand, when I see my brother, I just go so silent. There are no words. I think I need to learn from you and use the "cuss" words every now and then.. :O)

    It is so very hard to understand why someone is so very different from us when they are bore from the same blood.

    Forgiveness is the key, but to enable someone, not so sure.
    Great words, Birdee, I read that last paragraph like six times..

    I guess it like fighting fire with fire..

    Smiles and Happiness Always..

    :O)

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