~ Shits & Giggles ~

by Tina~in_ut

I get my hair cut and colored on Tuesdays. I have a routine. Leave work about 12:45pm, grab something to eat near the salon, stop off at the hubby's school to say hi to Judi who only works on Tuesdays, go potty there, then get to the salon by 2pm. (Not to gross any of you out, but I get my hair done every four weeks.....and it just happens to coincide with my time of the month!)

Anyway, I was running a little late this last Tuesday. I was on my way to Einstein's to grab a bagel really quick. I was almost there when all of a sudden, I swallowed my own saliva the wrong way and started choking like a mad woman! I tried to reach for my water bottle which was in the back seat, but couldn't reach it. I noticed that I had taken my foot off the gas and thankfully, no one was behind me. When I start choking, I sound AWFUL!!!! I start gagging and making that sound you make when you are about to throw up. My chest was burning from all the coughing by the time I made it to the parking lot. I was finally able to get my water bottle and take a drink, but it still took me a while to get the coughing under control. When I did, I went in to get my bagel. I must have looked a sight, because people were staring at me strange. Then I ordered my food. The lady gave me a strange look and I didn't even recognize my own voice. I sounded like an old man croaking.

By the time I was done eating, I realized that I wouldn't have time to stop off at school. I was bummed at not seeing Judi, but really glad I didn't have to go to the bathroom. I called her on my way to the salon to let her know I wasn't able to stop by and to tell her about my choking snafu. Of course, she thought it was funny. So did Jenny, my hairdresser. Jenny and I are the same age and she has done my hair for the last 17 years. I found her through her husband who I used to work with. I really don't care what she does to my hair. It's just fun spending 2 hours with her every month. We laugh so much. I always tell people it's "an event" going to get my hair done. Tuesday was no different.

After I finished telling Jenny my story, she told me about her hot flashes. She was wearing a short sleeved shirt because the day before, she had hot flashes the whole day. She said she was drenched and by the end of the day, her hair was a sopping mess. I felt so sorry for her. Tuesday, she looked just fine. You'd never know it was so bad the day before. She said she was actually cold that day.

Our routine is always the same. Jenny puts some shade of brown color on my hair first, I go under the dryer, she rinses my hair, dries it a little, puts highlights in it, I go under the dryer again, she washes my hair, cuts it and drys it and I'm done. 2 hrs. Tuesday was no different. She got the color in my hair and even added a little red to it this time.....she likes to do that.....it's my little gift to her....and then I went under the dryer. I usually bring a book to read or crocheting to do. I crocheted this time. When I was done, she told me to go over to get my hair rinsed. I put my bag of yarn away, but leaned over to whisper to her, "I have to use the restroom first. That saliva went right through me!" She laughed of course......kept calling me an old woman!

I went to the little restroom in the back. I had my hair in a shower cap thingy and still had that dang cape on. Hate using the restroom with that on, but I never think of taking it off.....duh~  I thought I'd be quick cuz I just had to pee. Well to my surprise, that's not all I had to doo!~ Do you ever think you are finished, all done wiping, only to find out that there's more? Well there was more. Had to wipe all over again. That's when it dawned on me that I wasn't at school. The toilet at school is one of those industrial, OMG, anything will go down it types. You know.....the type that sounds like a jet engine when it flushes. Well this one wasn't like it. When I realized it, instead of putting the rest of the "used" toilet paper in the toilet, I held it in my hand to be thrown in during the second flush. That's three wipes-ful, if you get my drift. So now I'm done. I've got a bunch of toilet paper in one hand, I'm trying to pull up my underwear with the other, and also trying to flush the toilet. I finally managed, but to my dismay, I clogged the toilet! Oh shit! No pun intended. I needed both my hands, and I couldn't throw the toilet paper in the toilet, so I grabbed some more and put in on the back of the toilet and set the "used" bunch on it. Then I was able to pull up my jeans and button them and then look for a plunger. Nothing! Well, I decided to do what I do at home. I usually wait a little bit, the water goes down a bit, and I flush again and it all goes down. That was my plan. It was a sucky plan! That toilet holds a lot of water. It also overflows a lot of water. I didn't know what to do. On the one hand, I had totally stunk up the bathroom and still had the pile of toilet paper to dispense with. On the other hand, I needed to ask for a plunger. I just stood there. And then I did it. I threw the extra toilet paper in the toilet. Remember also......it's that time! O M G!!!! I was so embarrassed and didn't want to open the door. But that's when I realized that the water was starting to go under the door. I had to get out of there and get Jenny.

I opened the door and poked my head around the corner to get Jenny's attention and no one else. She looked at me and waved me over so she could rinse my hair. I asked her, "Remember when you accidentally colored my hair jet black?" She rolled her eyes cuz I've never let her forget it, "Yes!" I gave her a "look" and said, "We're even!" She immediately knew what I had done. I'm so grateful that she has a sense of humor. She got a mop. It was a weird looking thing and hard as a rock. It wouldn't pick up anything at first. She got me another one and it was the same. Then she gave me the plunger. Well that went over well.....right over the brim! It got to the point where we were both just soaking up the water with towels and squeezing the water into the toilet. That girl is brave. When we got most of the water cleared out, she got a bucket with cleaner in it for the floor. I was all ready to clean, but she wouldn't let me. I really tried to take it away from her. I finally had to give up. I remembered Judi and thought I'd call her and tell her what happened because I didn't stop at school first. Before I left Jenny to go call, I poked my head back into the bathroom and asked her to hurry because I had to go to the bathroom again. She would have hit me if she could have reached me.

As I thought it would, my story had Judi pee'ing her pants laughing. When I hung up the phone, I just sat in my chair waiting for Jenny to be done. When she came around the corner, I about died. She was drenched in sweat. I felt so bad. She looked like I pictured her looking with her hot flashes. At the same time, I was worried because I still had the color in my hair. I was certain I was going to have jet black hair again. Luckily, I didn't. Jenny, on the other hand, couldn't get cooled. She tried to tie a towel around her head like a headband, but it wouldn't stay. She finally got the highlights in my hair and put me under the dryer again. I was reading my book when Jenny came up and sat down next to me. I burst out laughing. She had gotten the towel to stay. She looked hilarious. Then she leaned over and said, "It's all shits and giggles.........until someone giggles and shits!"

~Lovely Jenny~