Belated St. Patrick's Day Jokes

by Dianne

John O'Neil hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man
chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,
Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there
twice in the last four years.  Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

 

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Mike walked into a pub and the barkeep asked "Where's Pat?"

 

Johnny said, "You see, Pat is back in the hospital.He was on an airplane and the airplane was about to crash. A female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

“She removed all her clothing and asked, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

"Pat took his shirt off and said, “Here, iron this!”.

 

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Pat and Mike were hunting and they shot a deer with huge antlers and they started dragging the deer back to their truck.

 

Johnny saw them and suggested they drag the deer by the hind legs as opposed to the antlers which were getting caught in all the bushes.

Pat and Mike took the advice. After about a block of dragging Pat said "That Johnny was really smart, it sure is easier to drag a deer her way."

Mike said "I don't think so, because of him, we are getting so much further away from the truck."

 

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Pat tells Mike a story about a beer conference of big beer producers.

 

Pat says, "At the end of the day, the presidents of all the large beer companies decide to have a drink in the bar."

"The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."