An Atheist and a Little Girl

by Dianne 

~ Happy St. Patrick's Day ~

 

Bicycle Accident

 by Dianne

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children, "she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

~ Happy Valentine's Day ~

 

Why Grandma Doesn't Have a Boyfriend

 by Dianne

Priceless

 by Dianne

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

 
 
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the Hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the Street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 
 
He saw a men's Clothing Store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the Salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the Tailor said.

 
 
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the Salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The Salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

 
 
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the Salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The Salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The Salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

 
 
New suit -  $400

New shirt -  $36

New underwear -  $6

Second Opinion -  PRICELESS

~ Happy New Year ~