~ Happy Independence Day ~

 

Going to Home Depot

 by Dianne

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

 

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.  And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

 

In your 30's:   Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror   Still got it!  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

 

In your 40's:  Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

 

In your 50's:  Stop what you are doing.  Put on a hat.  Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.   Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says,  'I Got Worms '.

 

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat any more.  Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there.  Got to save trips!  Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch . . . who cares?

 

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.  You go to Wal-Mart instead.  You went to school with the old lady greeter.  You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name

 

In your 90's and beyond: What's a home deep hoe?   Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who am I?   Why am I reading this?  Did I send it?   Did you?   Who farted?

 

I can relate to some of these things.

~ Happy Father's Day ~

 

An Irish Woman

by Dianne

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance" she replied "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”

"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.

"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked.

"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"

"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"

"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"

“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"

"Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

On His Deathbed

 by Dianne

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

 

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

 

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

 

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

 

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”

 

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

 

Sarah replies, “Property? …. the old buggar had a paper route!”

~ Happy Mother's Day ~

 

 WHY GOD MADE MOMS: 

    
 Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: 
    
  Why did God make mothers? 
  1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 
  2. Mostly to clean the house.  
  3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. 
 
How did God make mothers? 
  1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 
  2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring 
  3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. 
 
What ingredients are mothers made of? 
  1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 
  2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. 
 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 
  1. We're related.  
  2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me. 
 
What kind of a little girl was your mom? 
  1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 
  2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 
  3. They say she used to be nice.  
 
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 
  1. His last name.  
  2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 
  3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? 
 
Why did your mom marry your dad? 
  1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.. 
  2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 
  3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. 
 
Who's the boss at your house? 
  1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 
  2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 
  3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. 
 
What's the difference between moms and dads? 
  1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.. 
  2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 
  3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends. 
  4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. 
 
What does your mom do in her spare time? 
  1. Mothers don't do spare time.  
  2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. 
 
What would it take to make your mom perfect? 
  1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 
  2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. 
 
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 
  1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 
  2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me. 
  3 I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. 

Wisdom and Woe 10

 by Dianne