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Thursday, April 30, 2015

Facebook/Twitter for the over 60 crowd


by Dianne


When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.
 
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this.
 I now keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth phone [it's red, not blue] I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead . . .well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how
to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do fart a lot."

We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets.
The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Sex on the Sabbath

by Dianne


 man wonders if having  sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the
  Bible, the Priest says, 'My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that  sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.'

The man thinks: 'What does a priest know about sex?'
 So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! 
 
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out  the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

In other words, he goes to a
 Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, 'My son,  sex is definitely play..' 
The man replies, 'Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?'

The Rabbi softly speaks, 'If
  sex were work, my wife would have the  maid do it.'

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

23 Adult Truths


by Dianne

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary?


7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on # 5.  I'm  pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person  died.


9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


10. Bad decisions make good stories.


11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray?  I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.


13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.


17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?


20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!


21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.


23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
 
Ladies ... Quit Laughing!

It just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?


I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.  The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.  After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.  I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.  I  suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear piece)  . . . and how was your day?


This is what happens when old people start using technology!

Friday, April 17, 2015

Marriage Secret


by Dianne


A man and his wife had been married for going on fifty years. They shared everything, but the one thing the old man’s wife asked him never to do was look in a old shoebox she kept on the top shelf of her closet.

Not thinking anything of it, the man never asked about its contents. He just figured it was one of those things… 

One day, when the old woman had fallen ill and didn’t have much longer to live, she called her husband to her hospital bed and told him it was time for him to take a look at the shoebox.

The old man went home, grabbed the box, and opened it. Inside, there were two crocheted dolls and bundles of money totaling $95,000.


“But…why? How?!” he stuttered, totally mystified by the cash.

“Right before we got married,” the old woman told her astonished husband, “My grandmother told me the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. She said if I ever got angry with you, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The old man was touched. There were only two dolls in the shoebox – she had only been angry with him two times over the course of their marriage. He scooped his wife up and gave her a kiss.

“But where did the money come from?” He asked her.

“Oh, that?” She said with a smile, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

Monday, April 13, 2015

The Pastor's Ass


by Dianne


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:  PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.  The next day, the local paper headline read:   BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
 
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of  the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:       NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
 
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:   NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:   NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.  

The moral of the story is :
 
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.  So be yourself and enjoy life...stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Baby Planes

by Dianne

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
 

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."