~ Merry Christmas ~

In a Nursing Home

by Dianne

On the Golf Course

by Dianne

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied.“I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

~ Happy Thanksgiving ~

An Irish Toast

by Dianne

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!’

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, ‘Mary, I won the prize for the Best toast of the night!’

She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’

John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’

‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’

She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years.  Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’

~ Happy Halloween ~

~ A Star is Born ~

If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for?

The Mailman

by Dianne

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. My husband said, ‘Screw him, give him a dollar.’ ”

The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

***Dianne, I laughed so loud when I read this, Mark wanted to know what was wrong! - Tina~ 

Negative People

by Dianne

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:  

 

"Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome .  So, how are you getting there?" 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"  

 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's  Tiber River called Teste."   

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . 

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..  And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."  

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  

 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."  

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
  
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

~ Happy 4th of July ~

Little Johnny

by Dianne

Dinner with the Parents

by Dianne

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family Pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl friend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no Idea you were this religious."

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."

Five Rules for a Happy Life

by Dianne

The Mommy Test

by Dianne

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs” I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff?  You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

~ Happy Mother's Day ~

Making A Baby

by Dianne

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to 
use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'    

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',  he said,  'I've come to...'     

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'    

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'     

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !. ‘After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'    

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'  
  
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'    

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'     

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..  
  
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that.'    

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.   
  
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.    

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
  
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'  

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.   
  
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'  

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
  
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'    

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'  

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'  

'Tripod?'   
  
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'  

Mrs. Smith fainted.

The Parrot

by Dianne

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Irish Compassion

by Dianne

 Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight 

       from Dublin to Boston,

 the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful 

announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,

but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up 

by our catering service.

I don't know how this has happened, but we have 

103 passengers on board,

and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

       

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, 

she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that 

someone else can eat

Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 

5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

~ Happy Easter ~

Secret to a Long Marriage

by Dianne

An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage.

"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.

"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.

"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."

"Such as?"

"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy ."

"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"

"I'm going back to visit her."

Paddy McCoy

by Dianne

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work and Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Angels Check on the Earth

by Dianne

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.’

God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, ‘Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.’

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Another Little Johnny Joke

by Dianne

A group of four year olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school.

 

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk.

 

“You need to use ‘Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

 

“Alex, what did you do over the weekend?

 

"I went to visit my Nana."

 

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People' words!"

 

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

 

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

 

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People' words," she said.

 

She then asked little Johnny what he had done.

 

"I read a book," he replied.

 

“That’s WONDERFUL, Johnny!” the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

 

Johnny thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

~ Happy New Year ~