~ New Year's Eve ~

by Tina~in_ut

~ Would you rather...... ~

by Tina~in_ut

A friend of mine at work has been playing this "would you rather" game with someone she just met through one of those online dating services. He thought it would be a great way to get to know each other. Some of the questions were really thought provoking. We decided to play at work and came up with some silly questions. Here's some for us:

1. Would you rather........be the richest person in the world  -OR-  immortal?

2. Which one would you stop?  9-11  -OR-  the Holocaust?

3. Would you rather your daughter ....... had no friends  -OR- was a slut?

4. Would you rather individually slaughter with your bare hands .... an average human baby  -OR- 100 cute puppies?

5. Would you rather .... be able to speak with all animals  -OR- be able to speak all foreign languages?

6. Would you rather ..... have x-ray vision  -OR-  the ability to fly?

7. Would you rather .....(knowing nothing can be altered)....know the date of your death  -OR-  the cause?

8. Would you rather ..... have an excellent relationship but terrible sex  -OR-  have an awful relationship with incredible sex?

9. Would you rather live as a ..... black man in the southern U.S. in the 1800's  -OR-  woman in Afghanistan now?

10. Would you rather ..... get caught by your parents having sex  -OR-  catch your parents having sex?

11. Would you rather ...... be blind  -OR-  deaf?

12. Would you rather see ..... a murderer go free  -OR-  an innocent person sentenced to death?

13. Would you rather live life as a .... hoarder  -OR-  heroin addict?

14. Would you rather go without ...... brushing your teeth  -OR-  washing your hair?

15. Would you rather have the ability to ...... end all hunger and disease  -OR-  make everlasting world peace?

16. Would you rather be a ..... Mormon  -OR-  a Scientologist?

17. Would you rather find out that ..... your wife is the local backpage escort  -OR-  the best new adult start is your 18 year old daughter?

18. Would you rather spend the rest of your life ..... in jail  -OR-  as a slave?

19. Would you rather live with ...... no arms  -OR-  no legs?

20. Would you rather go without ...... the internet for a month  -OR-  a car for a month?

New Year's Resolutions for 2012

by Shirley

For some reason this new year the resolutions have more to do with driving habits, personal hygiene and the safe handling of explosives instead of the usual lose weight, get more exercise and eat less canned meat products. Okay, maybe that last one isn't usual.

This year, I resolve to:

Always replace the gas nozzle
before driving away from the pump.

I will always "check for paper"
when leaving the restroom.

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case".

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

I will no longer park the BMW
 next to fire hydrants.

and never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with the help of a known practical joker.

 

 

Have a Safe and Happy New Year!

The Sad World Of The Misunderstood House Spider

by Michael

If there’s one arthropod with an unfortunately bad rap with the human world, it’s the spider. Generally reclusive and non-threatening to people, spiders eat all the creatures that annoy humans (mosquitoes, flies, roaches) while occupying the empty crevices of human shelter. And yet their very presence makes the average person go after these benevolent creatures with a fury. And so is the sad world of the Misunderstood Spider:

Man's Recipe

by Dianne

Ladies - pass this on        
Men - let this be a lesson    

A man is showering up in a locker room
With his buddy when he notices his friend
Is very well endowed.

'Damn, Bob , you're hung!' Jim exclaims..
'I wasn't always this impressive; I had to
Work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years
I've spent an hour each night rubbing it
With butter. I know it sounds crazy but
It actually made it grow 4 inches! You
Should try it.

'Jim agrees and the two depart'

A few months later the two are back in the
Same locker room and Bob asks Jim
How his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob ,
But I've actually gotten smaller! I lost
Two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An
Hour each day with butter?'

'Well, we don't use butter, so I've
Been using Crisco.'

Wait for it ..........




Wait ...........



You know it's coming...


Crisco!!' Bob exclaimed. '


Damm it, Jim,

Crisco is shortening!


MORAL OF THE STORY:
 You gotta follow the recipe & men don't listen!

~ Shit Girls Say ~

by Tina~in_ut

~ Merry Christmas ~

by Tina~in_ut

I hope all of you have a wonderful and blessed Christmas spent with family and friends. Big hugs/parenthesis for those of you missing loved ones this year. ~Merry Christmas~

~ 2011 - TSO - Christmas Eve in Sarajevo ~

by Tina~in_ut

10 Gifts No One Wants

by Shirley

It's definitely the thought that counts when it comes to holiday gift giving. However, even the smallest amount of consideration will suggest that the following 10 very unique gifts will not be appreciated by anyone on your list this year.

The iPhone Virtual Reality Viewer 

It's been 30 years since we first starting talking about the concept of "virtual reality," and, while it's been the subject of countless movies and TV shows, we're not partaking in virtual reality on a daily basis. So, it's highly unlikely anyone would really want to receive what amounts to a pair of binoculars you clip to your iPhone to watch 3-D videos. 

 

 

 

 

 Bacon Candy 

Sure bacon is ultra-trendy, but the fact is bacon candy (or any of the other myriad bacon-flavored food items) isn't going to taste good. The recipient of this gift would pop one in his mouth, spit it out, and never look at the tin again. A better gift: A subscription to the Bacon of the Month club. 

Drive Scorpion Jacket 

Drive, the film starring Ryan Gosling was a critical hit this year, but does even the most ardent fan want to wear the scorpion-accented satin jacket Gosling wears throughout the movie? Probably not.

 

  Kackel Dackel 

Apparently Kackel Dackel is one of the most popular kids' games in Europe and is set to take America by storm this holiday season. However, we can't imagine actually giving a child a flatulent plastic dog whose mess he has to pretend to clean up. Yikes. 

 

 The Situation's GTL Garment Bag 

Jersey Shore's "The Situation" might be really into laundry, but no one outside the Shore wants to tote their clothes around town in a branded GTL garment bag-even if it does convert into a hamper, duffel bag, or laundry bag. 

 

 "F" Bomb Paperweight

Fred Conlon's "F Bomb" paperweight sculpture is sort of clever, but we're not sure anyone would be too thrilled to open up a package containing an "F bomb." 

USB Fishquarium 

The USB aquarium seems like a gag, but it's real! This strange gadget contains a 1.5-liter fish tank; pencil cup; task light; display that features a clock, calendar, and temperature sensor; and a speaker that plays soothing nature sounds. The entire thing is powered via your computer's USB port. It's another gadget that sounds cool, but no one would ever use for longer than five minutes. 

Ron de Jeremy Rum 

No one (and we mean no one) wants to open a bottle of porn star Ron-Jeremy-branded rum. Not even if it's been aged for seven years and expertly crafted by Master Distiller Francisco "Don Pancho" Fernandez. 

As Seen on TV Forever Lazy 

As the Snuggie was to 2009 holiday gifts, Forever Lazy will be to 2011 gifts. But, remember how unenthused you were to receive that Snuggie? Exactly. Don't give anyone Forever Lazy. 

Shock Ball 

We've likely all played a game of hot potato at some point, but chances are we haven't ever played it with a ball that will randomly emit an electric shock. That's probably because we spend our lives avoiding electric shocks, not tempting fate by playing games where we might get zapped. As much as you think you can cajole your family into playing on Christmas morning, leave this one on the shelf. 

 

Ice Cream

by Shirley

This was sent to me by a co-worker and I knew some of you would enjoy it.

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And
liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up
your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

How to Do the Heimlich Maneuver

by Michael

With the holidays fast approaching I thought it would be a good idea to share this with you all. Choking because of an obstructed airway is a leading cause of accidental death. If a choking person is not coughing or is unable to speak, that's your cue to perform the Heimlich maneuver immediately. Here are a few steps to help save a choking victim. After watching the informative video I suggest familiarizing yourself more with this life saving technique by googling any additional information you might need.

THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE!!!!!!!

by Shirley

I went to get my car and some PRICK HAD ME BLOCKED IN.

MY INNER DORK SURFACES...AGAIN!

by Maureen

If there is a category and award for DORK of the DAY, I would like to nominate myself!

 

Picture this...Sicily 1935...Ooops, sorry I was having a Golden Girls moment.

 

I drive a silver Accord. It seems to be a pretty popular model around here. It is a 2001 sedan. Nothing fancy, but in pretty good shape. Especially the front end which was replaced last year after that old hussy T-Boned me.

 

So, tonight I go to the gas station to buy a pop and smokes. I was the second car on the right. The car to my left was  parked in front of the Red Box, where there was a couple getting movies.

 

When I came out, I walked up to "my" car and noticed a nasty rusty scratch on the left front side. I walked up to it and felt it, rubbed it and proceeded to cuss out the body shop that had done the repairs. What did they use that made my car start to rust out?There was nothing that I hit and it just seemed odd. I then proceeded to open the driver's door and wondered, out loud, why "my" door wasn't locked. At that point, I'm sure you can guess what comes next.

 

As I am about to get into the car, the woman getting the movies hurries over and informs me that that is HER car! Yep. Of course I could only say..."yes, it is and that is my car", pointing to my car. I was sooooo embarrassed! Then the guy says he was just glad I didn't take his pizza!! I apologized and got into MY car (and the door was indeed locked) and listened the laughter resonating from my cars twin!

 

At least they laughed!! And after the red drained from my face, so did I!!

 

If I do indeed win the DotD Award, following is my acceptance speech!

 

I would like to thank my miniscule bladder for not allowing me to sleep thru the night, leaving me so tired I can't recognize my car!

 

I would like to thank my boss for letting me work overtime every night since last week that has left me so tired I can't recognize my car!

 

And I would like to thank all my friends and family that recognize my eccentricities (or insert the word dork-osity) and accept and love me because of, or in spite, of them!!

 

I sure hope I am in the right house and using my lap top!!!

Deck the Halls

by Dianne

Now - if this doesn't get you to toe tapping - chances are - nothing will.

~ Your Know Ur Getting Old When ~

by Tina~in_ut

All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style … come back in style.

The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

The pharmacist has become you newest best friend.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays…"

Damn You Auto Correct

by Zona

YouTube Challenge - I Gave My Kids a Terrible Present

by Michael

BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING PRANK!

by Michael

Tickle.....TICKLE!!!!!!!

by Shirley

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

The Carol of the Day

by Jodi

It’s that time of year again.  And as much as I enjoy seeing everyone’s posts about the season, one FB friend is just cracking me up!!  She has been posting a snippet of lyrics every day.  I’m calling it The Carol of the Day.  The only thing is, she can’t spell worth a crap!!  Thus my amusement.  Enjoy!!

1.           and the song for the day is.......chestnuts roasting on a open fire jack frost nipping at your nose......

2.         Feel free to add on to the song of the day......Oh come all ye faithful joyful

3.         Todays song ......It came upon A Mid night Clear that glories sound of all. With Angle standing near the..............

4.         Todays song (whiCh I thought I did at 1 ). On eveRy street conneR you'll hear Silver bells Silver bells its christmas time in the city. Hear them ring

5.         Todays song.......... Over the river and threw the woods to grandma's house we go the horse knows the way.........

6.         The song for the day: silent night holy night all is clam all is bright........

And just a mere 24 hours later…a slight variation:

7.        Todays song......silent night holly night all is claim all is bright

It has been the first thing I check when I get up!!  She is truly a sweet person.  Is it ignorance or auto correct.  I have no idea!!

All I Want For Christmas Is You

by Michael

~ $5.37 ~

by Tina~in_ut

My mother-in-law sends me these jokes.  I just recently found out that she sends me the ones about being old to subtly tell me that I'M old!!~ That wench~ I thought I'd pass this on to the truly aged~ :)~

  

$5.37...that's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. 

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the... Senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" 

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind! 

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
 
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat.

Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish

stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on

my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK... My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. 

Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.