~ Super Sprayer ~

by Tina~in_ut

I thought this was cool~

Sunday Morning Sex

by Dianne

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 
 
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

~ The Shortest College Paper ~

by Tina~in_ut

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

by Zona

~ Reasons for Sensitivity Training for Men ~

by Tina~in_ut

· I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!

· My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She’s 25 and her name is Kathy.

· Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

· My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that’s three schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether."

· The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.

· A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

· I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven’t been listening."

· My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

· The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Rock Of Ages

by Zona

Randy and I saw "Rock Of Ages" today. It's an understatement to say I am NOT a Tom Cruise fan..however I thought I could somehow put that aside and enjoy the movie anyway. I think I kinda succeeded..even after he appeared on screen..semi bare cheeked. Of course..that could have been a stunt cheek..you never know!  Alec Baldwin was wonderful as the owner of the club where a lot of the movie takes place..but then again..he's always great. I just love him. I liked Russell Brand and Catherine Zeta-Jones too. In fact all of the actors did a really good job. The music was excellent..the best part of the movie as far as I'm concerned..and there were quite a few very, very funny lines. But then Tom Cruise would appear as Rock and Roll Sex God and ruin it..at least for me. I've read a lot of reviews which state that if it wasn't for his over the top performance..the movie would have been a complete bomb. As far as acting goes..I guess he does play the part well..it's just that..for me..he doesn't FIT the part at all..I guess I just can't get past the fact that he's Tom Cruise. One funny observation..about the audience..not the movie. Rand and I were the first ones there..so we got to see everyone that came into the theater. The place was packed..but I'll bet not one person in there was under 50 years old..well..except Randy. Most had grey hair..and a few had canes..and they were all comin' to ROCK!! That just made me smile. Don't Stop Believin'...  :D

Joan Osborne "Shake Your Hips"

Submitted by Just_Lin

At the local Curves where I exercise there is a message on a board that says that regular exercise increases strength, stamina, and flexability and reduces your real age by 2.8 years. I find that dancing is a great and fun way to exercise. Some songs, especially, make me want to get up and shake my booty. This song is one of them. Whenever I hear it while I'm driving in the car, I can't help but turn up the volume and shake my hips, even while in the driver's seat.

Jack McBrayer & Triumph Visit Chicago's Weiner's Circle

by Michael

~ The Most Difficult Questions For Men ~

by Tina~in_ut

The most difficult questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is sure to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

 

Question #1: “What are you thinking about?”

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of these:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you.”

 

Question #2: “Do you love me?”

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who me?

 

Question #3: “Do I look fat?”

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

 

Question #4: “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

 

Question #5: “What would you do if I died?”

A definite no-win question, but one response that might work is “I’d be devastated, and struggle to carry on without you.” Incorrect responses include:
a. I’d turn to your sister for comfort and solace.
b. I’d sell your clothes and shoes and retire.
c. I’d see if your (recently divorced) best friend is still available.

The WORST possible scenario is for this to develop into this:

“What would you do if I died?”

“I dunno.”

“Would you get married again?”

“Definitely not!”

“Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

“Okay, I’d get married again.”

(with a hurt look on her face) “You would?”
 
“Yes, I would."

(long pause) “Would you live in our house?”

“Where else would we live?”

“Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?”

“That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

“And would you let her use my golf clubs?”

“No.”

“No: why not?”

“She’s left-handed.”

Get The Bail Fund Ready

by Sac Barb

I'm sending this note from the police station.

I had a little problem at the supermarket earlier today. 

I was at the checkout and the cashier said "strip down, facing me". 

Apparently she was talking about my debit card.

Skyfall

by Zona

"The name is Bond..James Bond." I think Sean Connery portrayed him best..followed by Pierce Brosnan. I wasn't too happy when they replaced Brosnan with Daniel Craig..but I have to admit..Daniel Craig looks pretty darn good in this one..

~ Age Barometer ~

by Tina~in_ut

Total the number of these that you remember:

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive – 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil

21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 You’re still young.
If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older.
If you remembered 11-15 Don’t tell your age.
If you remembered 16-25 You’re older than dirt.

Hungry?

by Dianne

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.  "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he  says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Tower Of Song

by Zona

I've loved Tom Jones since I was a kid...this song and video just blew me away...I don't even know what else to say besides...Wow..

Catholic Shampoo

by Sac Barb

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND." 

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM," THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT. 

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. 

 

"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. 

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: 

 

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE." 

For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

by Zona

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
 
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember.......

by Sac Barb

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
    An impressive new book.  It's called ......... 

    'Ministers Do More Than Lay People' 

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink 

    And be Mary. 

3. The difference between the Pope and 

    Your boss,  the Pope only expects you 

    To kiss his ring. 

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant 

    Flash  and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to 

    Your door is if you're in  the bathroom. 

 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. 
    The seat folded up, the drink spilled and 
    That ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 


7. It used to be only death and taxes 
    Now, of course, there's 
    Shipping and handling, too. 

8.  A husband is someone who, after taking 

     The trash out, gives the impression that
     He just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just 

    Vending machines and a  large trash can. 

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my 
       Mechanic might try to rip me off. 
      I was relieved when he told me all 
      I needed was turn signal fluid.' 


11. Definition of a teenager? 
     God's punishment...for enjoying sex.   
       
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may 
     The splinters never point the wrong way.

NOW GO HAVE A GOOOOD DAY.......

 

~ Men vs Women ~

by Tina~in_ut

My Entire Childhood

by Dianne

I know some of you are still to young to remember some of these things but there are some of us that will remember each and every item----I am one of them.

Condom Slogans

by Zona

If advertisers took their slogans off of famous brands and applied them on condom packages this is what they would look like. 

Now the famous Nike slogan "Just do it" gets a whole new meaning. 

 

~ How Am I Supposed To Live Without You ~

by Tina~in_ut

I've been watching Duets and I just cried when I heard these two sing. The contestants were supposed to choose a song that meant something to them personally, and J Rome chose this one because of his grandfather who passed away.

The New Alphabet

by Dianne

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now
The Alphabet:


A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,

Perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H  High blood pressure--I'd rather it low
I  for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill, I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tintinitus, bells in my ears!
U is for urinary, troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Computers vs Cars

by Zona

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash, twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single, "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

P.S. I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!

P.S.S. No one over the age of 65 could drive more than one mile before having to have a grandchild come and restart the car.

Japanese Hotel Service

by Dianne

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

 

“'I'm afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.” Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

 

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures; $20.00’. “Why not?” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

 

The next machine had a sign that read, “This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives: 50 Cents.”

 

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

 

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Poker Game

by Zona

Six retired fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when George loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

 

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

 

At the end of the game, James looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

 

They cut the cards. Pete picks the low card and has to carry the news.

 

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

 

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

 

So, Pete goes over to the George's condo and knocks on the door.

 

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? 

 

Pete declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

 

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

 

"I'll go tell him." says Pete.

~ Conversation in Heaven ~

by Tina~in_ut

SYLVIA:
Hi Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi Sylvia. How’d you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer — we’d both still be alive.

Terminated

by Zona

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in
two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said - "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Brokenhearted

by Zona

Why do I like this song? I'm not sure exactly...I just do!!  :D

~ Tip of the Iceberg ~

by Tina~in_ut

A tourist has captured some rare and startling video of an iceberg tipping over. The tourist was traveling on a boat near the Upsala Glacier in Argentina and caught the unexpected moment.

The tourist says:

"While we were passing by it with a catamaran, the huge berg lost a part of itself (look at the right side sinking) and then flipped over with a huge roar. In the process of melting this happens all the time, but it is seldom that it is captured on video WHEN it happens..."

The Upsala Glacier has been melting for a number of years and is often cited as evidence of global climate change. The BBC reports that the glacier, once the largest in South America, has been retreating at a rate of about 600 feet a year. Some scientists say the melting is a result of other factors and is not connected to climate change.

The tourist originally captured the video in March but first posted it online this week.

~ Isaac's Live Lip-Dub Proposal ~

by Tina~in_ut