by Shirley
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
THOUGHT for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT
76 comments:
Shirley~ those were hilarious~ I know quite a few people I'd like to push down the stairs~ Where's Miguelito?~ :D
What a morning! First I'm looking at the news and a man set his Mama on fire in Lubbock....then another woman in Detroit is set on fire...and this is all crack related....actually the news out of Detroit is usually pretty funny....
then I'm reading about Meredith Viera and Katie Couric...and I am under the constant stress that Oprah as we know it is almost over...then I read that Pakistan outed one of our operatives out of anger about the alleged raid to allegedly kill Osama....
I am stressed over Paula Deen....its just many things right now so I think well let me get over to the peace and calm of the nest and I will be damned if Tina doesn't want to shove me down the stairs!
I am going to go outside and see if I can find some bees to stir up!!
and before I self destruct this morning...very funny Shirley...I like # 5.....
Tina: Good morning!!
Shirley: LOL, those are so funny..I like #3 the best!! :)
Morning Michael Dear...muahhh! Calm down..it'll be alright...... You crack me up!! :) (get it, crack...in reference to your comment,,nudge,nudge..)
Morning, all! Stealing time during a meeting to say hi... and thanks for the safe travel wishes yesterday... I made it, and am sitting in KSC's "Beach House" right now, where the crews hang out before their launches. No crew in here right now, though!
Good Morning Tina, Michael,Bebbi and Whabbear. Happy Tuesday to you.
Tina - Do you realize you may have been the straw that pushed dear Michael over the edge? Don't you know he had a bad childhood and must be treated very gently? We always must think of these things before we speak. Congrats on first by the way.
Michael - Take 2 ativan and go and lie in the hammock and look at the sky for half an hour. That will calm you down.
Thanks for all the news.
Bebbi - You are quick witted this morning. I would never have thought of that "crack me up" joke.
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Whabbear - I am happy you made it safely. Have a great time. Bring us back some souvenirs if you can.
Shirley - Thanks for starting my day with a laugh. I am going back and reading them again so I can pick my favourite.
Shirley - I like # 4. I think all alarm clocks should be banned from existence. Jack sets the alarm on the days he goes to Vancouver. I hate that sound when it goes off. I much prefer waking to music.
My cleaning lady is here so I am hiding downstairs. I will pass the time working my farms. Have fun owls. See you this afternoon.
Mornin' TINA!! Nice to see that bright smile first thing in the AM. BTW, I am cooking tonight. I already have my crock pot going with a roast and some potato.
I am now going to get showered and ready for the dentist. I finally have a regular cleaning and a filling to get fixed. Hope my new bridge doesn't break during the cleaning!!!
HI MICHAEL: I am sorry you are having such a troublesome day already. I am glad Ann Curry is going to be the co-anchor on the Today Show. I always thought she should have been after Katie left. Scream if you start going down the owl manor steps and we will (all the owls) run and catch you. We want no mishaps in our manor.....TINA: be nice to your brother owl!!!
BEAR: Well, that's nice you get to have meetings in a beach house. Is it really hot there? Can you go walk on the beach on your lunch time?
BEBBI: Howdy. Did you win any money on the derby? Enough to take us all on a trip?
TINK: I am with you on alarm clocks except I don't like to wake to one at all. I like the natural wakeup but that can come very late sometimes for me. Your "daughter" made me stay up very late last night...shame on her....she had already had her night nap!
SHIRLEY: Thanks for all the important info on the blog today. Again, I am voting for that alarm clock trick...except I hate anything to do with a mouse! Funny blog, thanks.
Dianne - I will talk to my daughter this morning and tell her she must be careful not to keep us old folks (over 40) up too late. On second thought knowing the two of you I am not sure who was keeping who up.
I agree. I like natural waking much better. That is what God intended.
Hi Guys!!
SHIRLEY: My favorite is the first one..anyone want to help me cut up a tomato? ;)
TINA: You don't have a voodoo doll hidden next to that Gypsy, do you? ;)
BEBBI: Good Morning Sunshine! :)
BEAR: How about a virtual tour of that beach house?
TINKA: It was DI's fault! :D
DI: We both know ringing alarm clocks aren't going to wake me up! ;D Btw..I haven't gone back to sleep yet..so it's gonna be a lonnnng day!
Good luck at the dentist..I hope what you go in for is ALL they do! Oh, and don't forget to practice B-6..B-14..B-8..I-22.. ;D
MICHAEL: What's wrong with Paula Deen?
From 51:
MO: I will continue to pray for your cousin Elaine..and yes, once again..I absolutely have a candle for that! :)
DI: No one could save me from falling over the railing..not even Leonardo..lol..
BARB: Rest, rest, rest!! I hope the meds help you feel better fast!! :)
The pool guy said there may be one more thing that we can try to avoid a new pump..Mr Z is going to try a repair today..not with duct tape or a hammer though..lol..
Dianne - You are a very good friend but blood is thicker than water and I will have to take the word of my daughter. Sorry about that. Maybe you should set a timer. I know it worked with my sister.
Barb - Get well soon. Please take care.
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thanks for your kind words and suggestion this morning but I am afraid its too late...
I don't have any Vatican so I took a couple of Xanax and was on my way outside to lie and look at the sky and a "temp" housekeeper spoke to me directly about where something she needed is kept! Like I would know that!!
These people are instructed in the beginning that they aren't allowed to make eye contact with me much less speak directly to me!
I certainly hope all of you fare better than I have today My day is ruined!
I am a little concerned about Dianne putting a roast and "some potato" on to cook...
What do you mean..."some potato?"
It sounds to me like you are speaking of a "spud" that you are unfamiliar with.....I mean...did you "find" it somewhere?
Well...I am going to try and get to my bedroom without having to field any more inquiry about cleaning products!!
WAIT A MINUTE!! I AM AS WE SPEAK INHALING SOME NOXIOUS FUMES!! CLEANING PRODUCTS NOT DOUBT!!
We have apparently had a complete breakdown in protocol today!!
oh my goodness...look what spell-check did to ativan....lol
Happy Tuesday Owls.
Shirley, Nice home remedies. Sorry Zona, Can't help you with that tomato. I'm looking for someone to help me do some chopping.
I am almost among the living today. The cough syrup with codeine helped me get some sleep. Thanks for all the well wishes.
Waving a wing to all the Owls. I'm going back to bed for a while. Have a good day everyone.
Di: I thought Dialed In would win it..but I picked the #2 and #3 horses correctly. I rarely bet on the race. I just try and guess who will win. Had the exacta two years in a row..this year, got 2nd & 3rd..lol.
Tina Once again, your beauty is just stunning. I hope you found those cleaning products that you were asking Michael about.
Shirley Those were very funny. I really did LOL! Thanks for the laughs.
Michael Are you fretting about those Paul Dean butter cakes? Perhaps you could look the recipe up on line and make your own, or at least tell Cook to make them.
Bebbi I hope you're having a super day. You continue to inspire me with your dedication to exercise. Thank you for that.
Tinka I could sure use a housekeeper. Do you think you could loan me yours for a day? I suppose it would be a bit of a commute, though. Are you feeling a bit recovered from your Mother's Day celebration?
Dianne Your dinner for tonight sounds great. I bet it's starting to smell good, too. I should try to make more use of the crock pot. I kind of forget about it and have only used it twice. My husband used to like to make stuff in it and try out new recipes.
Zona What timing, huh? First your a/c and now the pool pump. Living where you live, you need both of these things to work properly, that's for sure.
SacBarb Thank heaven for the codeine cough syrup. Being able to rest is essential for your recovery. Hope you get over your pneumonia soon.
Bear I hope you get enough free time to enjoy yourself. You know what they say about "all work and no play".
Tink: Thanks...it only takes a little crack to make me so quick witted..! he he..(just kidding, I don't do drugs). :)
Hope all are having a good day. I am. :)
J/L: Great day here..! Hope yours is great too.
Whabby: Glad you made it safely..sounds awesome, beach house...etc..wow.. NICE!
Zona: Good morning sweet lady! Thanks again for the note... HUGS! :)
Barb: Glad to hear you are getting better! Sounds like you had it bad....!! yikes.
Michael: LOL, only Tina and Barb "do" the vatican... I think..I used to but I had to stop..
Up from my nap and having a chicken salad sandwich and muffin, both of which Jack made and left for me. I will read the comments while I eat.
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MAUREEN, IF YOU READ THIS TODAY, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT OUR BUDDY COMMENTED ON HIS BLOG. HE HAS HAD A LITTLE PROBLEM.
TG GRANNY
HELLO EVERYONE, HOPE YOUR MOTHERS' DAY AND YOUR WEEK IS GETTING OFF TO A NICE START.
GRANNY
Michael - I hope you feel more relaxed next. I know "Vatican" helps.
Zona - I bet Mr. Z can fix that pool. He is one smart guy.
SacBarb - I hope you are feeling better as each hour passes. Drink lots and get plenty of rest. Dr. Tink
Just_Lin - I wish I could send you my cleaning lady. She is fantastic. I would fly her down in my private jet but unfortunately she is afraid to fly. I will talk to her however.
Dianne - I am keeping my fingers crossed that your bridge doesn't break during cleaning. You have had your share of trouble with it. Maybe he has a crush on you and he is breaking them on purpose. That's a thought don't you think.
Maureen - Sending you ((((HUG)))) today. Hope your cousin is fine today.
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**smiles and waves**
Evening Owls!!!
**glares at Michael and nods**
Evening Michael.
A co-worker sent this to me and I knew I had to share with you. I thought of Zona for the 1st one, SacBarb for the 5th one, any of us for the 3rd one and laxative & sleeping pills reminded me of Tina! LOL!!!
Tina your moans are almost musical. Do you share them with Janice?
Michael...um...um...**glares**
Bebbi dear you are just too peppy for me in the morning! Of course you get up at the buttcrack of dawn to exercise and by the time I even THINK about getting up you have done 10 days worth of work, exercised enough for 5 people and not even broken a sweat! If I had 1/100th the energy you have there would be no stopping me! You go girl!!
Whabbear where ever you are and whatever you are doing have fun!
Tinka it sounds to me like Jack has you spoiled...just a little!! Enjoy it!
Dianne, excuse me, but with all the damn work that dentist has done to your teeth over the last 12 months or so, how freakin dirty can they be? I wouldn't pay him another dime! jmho
Zona is this pool guy good looking? Be careful, he may just find things "wrong" with the pool so he can come back and "try it out' with you! kwim
SacBarb I sure hope you get better soon! There is nothing worse than wanting to sleep and can't. Take care. ((HUGS))
Just Lin you need to stop making comments like that to Tina, cause you know it just goes to her head. She probably brags to Janice about how beautiful she is all the time!
TAMPAGRANNY YOU SHOULD REALLY PULL UP A CHAIR AND STAY AWHILE. YOU ZIP IN AND OUT LIKE THE ROADRUNNER!!
Lynn D I hope you haven't tripped over any sippy cups or pacifiers today. BTW how are all your injuries? Have you heal from all of them yet?
Maureen sorry to hear about Elaine's surgery. I hope everything goes well for her. ((HUGS))
Off to watch some hockey!!
TAMPAGRANNY - Sorry I didn't see your post. I had a wonderful Mother's Day. I hope you did too.
Shirley - Haven't the hockey games been fun. Canada has done very well so far. Stanley cup - Here We Come.
Yes, Jack does spoil me. I am loving it.
Tinka I would like to see Vancouver against Boston in the final battle for the Stanley Cup. I think that would be a great series! Does Jack enjoy hockey too?
Good evening feathered friends!
TINA...I think with all the moaning you do, maybe you should see a doctor...MC DREAMY!
JUST LIN, SHIRLEY, ZONA and TINKA... Thanks for the good wishes for Elaine. She is one special person.
SACBARB...hope you feel all better soon. {{gentle hugs}}
MICHAEL...what's up with Paula Deen?
ZONA...I hope Mr. Z can fix the pool himself.
DIANNE...hope the dentist wasn't horrible for you today.
SHIRLEY...loved the blog! Very funny!
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Woo hoo...haven't had 69 in ages!
Good for you Maureen. You needed that.
Shirley - Yes Jack and I and the rest of the family are very much enjoying the hockey games. That last game between Canucks and Chicago was a real nail biters. My son-in-law almost through something at the tv but we did win in the end.
Hi Hooters!
LOL Shirley~do you have a cure for the never-ending sinus infection?
Mo- I am so happy you finally had a 69 after all this time... :)
What did I miss? What is Michael stressing about Paula Deen for?
Zona- good luck with the pool pump.
Everyone else- SWAK!
Iam so exhausted. We had 90 degree weather today with 27 little kids in one room without air was interesting. We made it through bless their little hearts!
BBL
GOLDIE...so sorry you are still sick after all this time. {{hugs}}
Sorry, 75 posted twice.
HI Goldie - Hope you are feeling better soon.
Hi Iteach - I can remember teaching in rooms that hit 90's and it's horrible. The kids just melt. We couldn't open the windows because the wasps would fly in. It was like teaching in an oven. It usually happened in September. The weather outside would be 80 and beautiful but the classrooms with big windows facing the sun would be unbearable. Can you take them out and read to them under the trees? I did that a few times.
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Well the hockey game is. Red Wings won which now means a game 7. Thanks everyone for the comments and thanks Tina for posting it. Nighty night Owls!! ((HUGS))
Iteach take a lighter with you to school and set the spinkler system off. That should cool everyone down, plus the kids would love it!!
Thanks, Shirley, Zona, and Tink!
Dianne: Yes, and yes. The Beach House is only about a hundred yards from the Atlantic. I haven't gone out there yet though... today's high was 92, so it was too hot!
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