~ Merry Christmas ~

 

The Gardener, the Carpenter, the Baker

 by Dianne

ABC's of Marriage

 by Dianne

~ Happy Thanksgiving ~

 

The Plumber's Tree

 by Dianne - who could have told me I was slackin'~

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job, a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit, and his ancient one-ton truck refused to start.

 

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

 

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family.

 

As we walked up the front walk, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

 

When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was wreathed in smiles, and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

 

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree, and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

 

'Oh, that's my trouble tree,' he replied. 'I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.'

 

'Funny thing is,' he smiled,' when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.’

 

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. We all need a Tree!

An Irish Hooker

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

It's Friday

 

The Pharmacist

 by Dianne

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

 

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

 

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

 

The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

 

“Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Mushrooms

 by Dianne

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
 
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
 
"No --- some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
 
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
 
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.  Spot ate every bit.
 
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
 
The meal was a great success.
 
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
 
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
 
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
 
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The  Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
 
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
 
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered and were sitting around in the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..... "I can't believe that guy!"
 
"What guy?"
 
"You know --- the bastard who ran over Spot ---- he didn't even slow down."

The Dog

 by Dianne

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

 

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

 

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

 

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

 

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

 

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

Grandma Still Drives

 by Just_Lin

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

 
Dear Grand-Daughter,
 
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. 
 
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. 
 
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. 
 
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. 
 
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. 
 
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. 
 
I found that lot of people really love Jesus! 
 
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 
 
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' 
 
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! 
 
Everyone started honking! 
 
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. 
 
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 
 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. 
 
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. 
 
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. 
 
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. 
 
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. 
 
My grandson burst out laughing. 
 
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! 
 
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. 
 
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. 
 
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. 
 
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. 
 
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! 
 
Will write again soon, 
 
Love, Grandma

The Nun

 by Dianne

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago .

 

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.”

 

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago .”

 

The nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone.

 

The more she thought about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again.

 

She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.”

 

The nun says to herself, “I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.” She sat back down.

 

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.

 

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking “This is incredible. I’ve got to try this again.”

 

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind.”

 

Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself “I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.”

 

But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

 

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.”

 

She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”

New CEO

 by Dianne

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this . . .

 

 

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

 

“How much money do you make a week?”

 

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

 

The CEO said,”Wait right here.”

 

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

 

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

 

“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

 

From across the room a voice said,

“Sure – he was the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

Catholic Churches in Las Vegas

 by Dianne

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the offering basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This really isn’t all that unusual because in ‘Vegas, casino chips are pretty much universally accepted as cash.

What is interesting though is that there is an endless amount of chip sorting going on in the monastery, and of course it is all done by….

…. The Chip Monks.

OK, OK… but…..

You didn't see that coming, did you??!! 

~ Happy Independence Day ~

 

Going to Home Depot

 by Dianne

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

 

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.  And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

 

In your 30's:   Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror   Still got it!  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

 

In your 40's:  Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

 

In your 50's:  Stop what you are doing.  Put on a hat.  Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.   Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says,  'I Got Worms '.

 

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat any more.  Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there.  Got to save trips!  Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch . . . who cares?

 

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.  You go to Wal-Mart instead.  You went to school with the old lady greeter.  You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name

 

In your 90's and beyond: What's a home deep hoe?   Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who am I?   Why am I reading this?  Did I send it?   Did you?   Who farted?

 

I can relate to some of these things.

~ Happy Father's Day ~

 

An Irish Woman

by Dianne

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance" she replied "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”

"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.

"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked.

"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"

"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"

"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"

“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"

"Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

On His Deathbed

 by Dianne

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

 

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

 

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

 

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

 

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”

 

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

 

Sarah replies, “Property? …. the old buggar had a paper route!”

~ Happy Mother's Day ~

 

 WHY GOD MADE MOMS: 

    
 Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: 
    
  Why did God make mothers? 
  1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 
  2. Mostly to clean the house.  
  3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. 
 
How did God make mothers? 
  1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 
  2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring 
  3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. 
 
What ingredients are mothers made of? 
  1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 
  2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. 
 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 
  1. We're related.  
  2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me. 
 
What kind of a little girl was your mom? 
  1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 
  2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 
  3. They say she used to be nice.  
 
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 
  1. His last name.  
  2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 
  3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? 
 
Why did your mom marry your dad? 
  1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.. 
  2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 
  3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. 
 
Who's the boss at your house? 
  1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 
  2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 
  3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. 
 
What's the difference between moms and dads? 
  1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.. 
  2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 
  3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends. 
  4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. 
 
What does your mom do in her spare time? 
  1. Mothers don't do spare time.  
  2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. 
 
What would it take to make your mom perfect? 
  1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 
  2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. 
 
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 
  1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 
  2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me. 
  3 I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. 

Wisdom and Woe 10

 by Dianne

Wisdom and Woe 9

 by Dianne

~ Happy Easter ~