How to get to Heaven from Ireland

by Dianne

A true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher..

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,

' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? '

' NO! ' the children answered.

' If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into
heaven? '

Again, the answer was ' NO! '

' If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven? '

Again, they all answered ' NO! '

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? '

A six year-old boy shouted out:

"YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN '  DEAD...."

It's a curious race, the Irish.

~ 36 Hour Daytona 500 ~

by Tina~in_ut

The Daytona 500 was supposed to start at 12n on Sunday. For the first time in history, it was canceled due to rain and rescheduled for 12n on Monday. Then it was delayed until 5pm due to rain again. Thankfully, it began, but top contenders crashed out of the race on lap 2! You watch these races long enough, and you think you've seen everything. NOT! The race was red flagged (stopped) for 2 hours because Juan Pablo Montoya crashed into a safety truck during a caution and the jet fuel ignited causing damage to the racetrack. Luckily, both Juan and the driver of the truck were able to walk away and NASCAR was able to fix the track. After 2 more big crashes, Matt Kenseth walked away with his second Daytona 500 win.....on Tuesday morning......at about 1am!!!~ 

Cool Graffiti Art

by Zona

I love this kind of stuff..I wish I had 1/100th of the artistic talent these people have! 

~ International Love ~

by Tina~in_ut

I'm still lovin' Pitbull~

The Toilet Seat

by Dianne

My wife, JULIE, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.  Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.  After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.  She came in and undressed to take a shower.  Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.  As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.  We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.  Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.  Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).  Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

            

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......

           

I just never saw one mounted and framed."

The Mystery of the Exploding Pig Farms

by Michael

Pig farming doesn't have a lot going for it, aesthetically.

There's the smell.

There's the pollution and waste. 

There's all the slaughter, of course. 

And now, apparently, there's the mysterious foam that traps methane and then explodes, killing thousands of pigs and injuring humans. 

That's the word out of Minnesota in a story that's been making the rounds today on the internet.

Here's the scoop, according to the Minnesota Daily. 

According to the article, pig farmers in the Midwest have noticed a grayish foam on their manure pits.

Not just any foam. Foam that can reach up to four feet high, and then explodes on contact with a spark.

The strange stuff has destroyed at least a half dozen pig barns since 2009. At market time the pigs value is approximately $300,000.00 and the cost of clean up after an explosion tops $1,000,000.00....for 1 barn!!

It's still a mystery, though some early theories are emerging. 

"The researchers still aren’t sure what causes the foam," the Minnesota Daily writes. "But they have noticed a correlation between adding dried distillers grains in soluble — a product of the ethanol production process increasingly used in livestock diets — to the hogs’ diets and the foam."

Scary and apocalyptic thoughts aside, this is also an important business story.

Minnesota's pig industry alone is worth a billion dollars a year, and there are pig farms across the Midwest.

The mysterious explosions have so far cost farmers millions of dollars in lost pork, clean-up costs and insurance.

Any advice you may have that might help these poor pigs would be appreciated. They live in constant fear of a spark near a manure pit and KA-BOOM!!

~ Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women ~

by Tina~in_ut

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

Goosebumped Beach Bum

by Lynn D

PEMCO  is an insurance company here in the NW and I love their commercials. This one is so perfectly me. Yes I am one of them.

MY NEW PRIMARY CARE PHYSICIAN.........

by Dianne

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

Festival of Light

by Zona

Luminarie De Cagna is a family business that uses electric lights to decorate buildings, trees etc for celebrations and festivals. This year they created this Cathedral of Light for the Lichtfestival Ghent on Belfortstraat in Ghent, Belgium. The structure stands 91 ft tall at it's highest point and is made of 55,000 LED lights. It is absolutely beautiful!

Another spectacular part of this festival is a 3D light and sound show entitled 'On dirait que..' that is projected onto the Post Plaza building on the Korenmarkt. The show tells the tale of a young boy who dreams that the doors and windows of his home turn into toys that come to life while the entire building becomes something out of a fairy tale. I was mesmerized by this show..I hope you like it too! :)

~ Not Over You ~

by Tina~in_ut

Not a big fan of the video, but I love the song~

What Breast Cancer is, and is not!

by Lynn D

This woman is fantastic and really shows what a poor decision Susan G. Komen made when they tried to defund Planned Parenthood. She is brave and real and I think she is my new hero!

~ I Love This Man ~

by Tina~in_ut

~ 1500 ~

by Tina~in_ut

1500 posts on our little blog~ Can you even believe it? That's a lot of writing......and for some, a lot of copying and pasting~ :)~  No matter, it's been fun~ I hope we can keep it up. So pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee/DP/DC/OJ/Tropicana/Slim Fast/Vodka, and talk amongst yourselves....it's what we do best~

~ One Day ~

by Tina~in_ut

I rented this the other night.....the hubby grumbled because it was "a total chick flick!" I cried, of course. Every July 15th, they catch up with this couple and show what has been happening in their lives in the past year. It's cute, fun, quirky~ Glad I didn't see it in the theater, but it's nice as a rental. It dawned on me later, July 15th was my aunt's birthday~ ....that was a sweet bonus~

~ Happy Valentine's Day ~

John Stamos' Guide To Cuddling

by Michael

Whitney Houston 1963 - 2012

by Michael

Whitney's voice, mere hours after her death, has already proved it can outlive her body. Even if her humanity couldn't handle that tone, posterity certainly can.

Whitney's singing came under a lot of fire in her last few years, but I hope it's not too early to hope for a critical reappraisal. In the 80's and 90's, Whitney's instrument was a natural marvel. She didn't have to do anything with it. She opened her mouth and there it was; making sounds bigger and better than any other sounds in the world. Interpretation? Nuance? Whitney's singing couldn't contain those things, because the songs she sang couldn't contain her magnificent voice. But on Whitney's last record, and in the concerts she gave to promote it, none of that was true. Singing "I Look To You," she wasn't just a voice. She barely had a voice. She was a woman. A little sad, more than a little tired, and -- if her endless, loopy onstage banter was any sign - absolutely that those natural gifts upon which she had built her career and identity had abandoned her forever. All of this came through in her singing. If music is judged by how much weight and wisdom and emotion can be supported by a single sung word (and I like Patti Smith and Maria Callas, so I think it is), then in those last concerts Whitney made some of the most beautiful music of her life.

Dad at the Mall

by Dianne

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not  choke on his response . . . I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid . . .

"I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."

Auto Correct Part Deux!

by Zona

I can't get enough of this stuff..so funny.......

Public Restrooms

by Michael

Many people seem to look at public restrooms as both an opportunity to do things they wouldn't do at home, and a creative playground.

Just The Facts

1. 110 percent of the craps taken in a public restroom are diarrhea. Ten percent wind up outside of the toilets.
2. Trying to fart without someone hearing is impossible and pointless because someone else always walks in as soon as the last person walks out.
3. Gas station bathrooms should only be entered if you are on fire or in a zombie movie, and there isn't another door or any open wilderness within miles.

Landmarks, Hazards and Annoyances

Public restrooms are a veritable wasteland of desperation and diarrhea. Everyone who has ever used a public restroom knows what to expect to find. Anyone who has not used one is a weirdo, and is one of the six luckiest people on Earth.

Public restrooms always include at least all of the following...

Graffiti - Definitely the highlight of a typical field trip to the crapper. This can be compared to anything from cave paintings to a rolodex of escort service numbers, dependent on the store and/or gas station and/or strip club that you're at. You'll see at least 50 randomly drawn or carved curse words, unimaginable artwork, several dudes' numbers, your mom's number, and sometimes an actual conversation.

Hieroglypshits, if you will. Meh, we could do better but...you know, laziness.

Turdffiti - The worst thing you can find in a bathroom. Same as graffiti, but drawn with poop. If you discover a turdffiti drawing, call a hazmat team to cleanse the area and yourself....or, if you did it, call a mental institution and commit yourself.

Floor Turd (could also be a Sink, Wall, or Toilet Tank Turd) - These are nice, self-explanatory surprises that you find laying on the floor of a stall or an even more unfitting place for human waste. This is the typically done by people who are extremely drunk, or those who are just deviant and want to make a janitor cry.

Broken Toilet - Happens every time you have to take an earth shattering, spleen passing, life threatening zeppelin of a dump. You never notice until after, as they are rarely labeled. Even if they are labeled, you are in too much of a hurry to notice until you find yourself wiping with the "Out of Order" sign.

Pee Gel - Describes the coagulated layer of urine present on every public restroom floor. Many bathrooms have drains on the floor, which are pretty much just there to mock you, as they are no help against pee that has turned to Jello. The pee is several feet thick in men's bathrooms.

The Pubic Hair of Doom - No matter what toilet you're forced to crap on, there will always be a worm-sized pubic hair on the toilet seat. Brush it off the seat with something other than your hand. If you don't, it will embed itself in your skin with it's teeth.

Glory Hole - Where perverts live. A glory hole is a hole cut in the wall or between stalls meant for both peeping and spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

Snot Spots - Uninspired name aside, these are localized areas of bathroom stalls or walls that inexplicably accumulate boogers. These always happen in the same spots, as when the first booger breaks ground a hundred million more will follow suit. The toilet paper that sits right beside you will have to wait and just wipe your ass instead, as it is for some reason not for blowing noses.

Lady's Delight - A used female sanitary device that has been left behind, either inside or outside of a toilet, for the next bathroom user to stumble upon. The ultimate grossout, but at least they mostly happen in women's restrooms. Mostly.

Log Paper - Sometimes there will be toilet paper available. However, when there is, you will go out of your way to wipe yourself with something else. Public toilet paper is a combination of wood, pine cones, metal shavings, ass hairs and steel wool. Despite being rougher than sex with a dump truck, this paper is still somehow thinner than air, and you will promptly get shit finger even when using a basketball sized wad of it to wipe.

Typical Public Restroom Toilet Paper

 

Inhabitants

There are also many abnormal people that dwell within a public restroom to avoid. They include, but are not limited to:

Talkers - Complete strangers that talk to you or others while you're using the bathroom. There are many types, including phonetalkers (see below). Never talk to any of them.

Stalltalkers - People that talk to you from within a stall. They are creepier than normal talkers, as you can not see what they are doing.

Phonetalkers - Texting or using mobile web on the toilet in public is fine...it does not reveal you to be disgusting. However, there are people who find it necessary to share the sounds of straining with their friends. These are phonetalkers.

Creepers - These are usually curious little kids, but can also be a type of pervert. These are people that look or even climb under or over a stall at you. If you encounter one, put your foot on their face and push them out.

Peepers - Self explanitory. Try to hide your junk if you feel you're being watched.

The Intoxicated - The drunk and/or stoned are 100% more likely to contribute to the previously described hazards. If you are one of The Intoxicated and feel the urge to pass out in a public restroom, don't. You will suffer the wrath.

Human Spaceships - People who hover over the toilet seat to go. God forbid a few germs get on the outside of your buttcheeks while an infinite amount of germs drop into the toilet from between them. Women are the biggest culprits, as they both fear germs and fear being normal. If a guy hovers, he is most certainly drunk and is not currently in control of his depth perception. Hovering can only be excused if there is a non-urine based bodily fluid on the toilet seat, which would likely have been caused by hovering in the first place. So DON'T DO IT.

Getting Old

by Dianne

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

“Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “Honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice.

“Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

~ Cars Sliding & Crashing in Bountiful ~

by Tina~in_ut

We had a lot of rain and later in the day it turned to snow. What these people didn't realize was that there was a sheet of ice underneath. We were watching this at work and I was available for calls. Right at the 5:02 mark I got a call. It sounded like a mixture of a scream and laugh when I answered and I had to make up some silly story so the passenger didn't think I was messing around at work! Whew~

Just Like Mom and Dad

by Zona

About a week ago Randy was trying to make room in the front hall closet to put some Christmas decorations away. He couldn't quite push a box of ornaments into the back corner on one of the shelves..and when he reached in to find out why..he found an old beat up book. He brought it to me to look at..to see if I knew what it was and if I wanted to keep it. The book had "Record" embossed on the front and when I opened it up I saw my father's name written on the inside cover and underneath it "Transportation and Automobile Expenses as of Feb. 21 1953". I've lived in this house a long time..and I have never seen this book before. Flipping through it..I saw page after page of car maintenance information written in neat columns. I'm assuming he had to keep these records as part of his expense report for work. It was interesting to see that gas was 27 cents a gallon..and that for a whopping $14.75..he got a new master cylinder, thermostat, belt AND a tune-up! What really got to me though..was seeing my dad's handwriting. If I hadn't known better..I would have thought I wrote these entries..his handwriting and mine are almost identical. It was really eerie. I had the same feeling a couple years ago when I heard a recording my mom's dad made of their family when my mom was only 16 yrs old..I knew my mom's voice right away because I sounded just like her. It got me to thinking how these kinds of things are passed down and sometimes we don't even realize it. Do you notice anything about yourself now that reminds you of your mom or dad..gestures..habits..phrases that they said that you now say?

On Thanksgiving..after I finished telling a story about my mom..my sister said something to me that really made me smile..she told me..."Sometimes when you talk you sound so much like mom..it's like she's still here.."  Cool..  :)

Red Solo Cup

by Dianne

I love this Toby Keith song....makes me "want to party"--------anyone want to join me?

On the Road: Giving Thanks to the Community Angel

by Michael

Sorry....can't post the video from cbs news so I found this one. Here's the link to the one on cbsnews.com (I think)

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7396639n&tag=mncol;lst;6

~ Matthew's Day Off ~

by Tina~in_ut

I thought this was cute!~

Two To Watch

by Zona

Here we are..well into the new TV season..and another one of my favorite shows has been cancelled...Prime Suspect is no more. First NBC got rid of The Playboy Club..and now this one. It's not like they have anything good to replace them with either..The Firm? Yuck! There are two more shows that I really like too..although the way they cancel stuff anymore..you're almost afraid to get into them. One is 'Grimm' the other 'Once Upon A Time'. They are both about Fairy Tales in the real world. Very cool. Randy likes Grimm..where a police detective can see that people around him are really creatures from Grimm's Fairy Tales. It's kind of a darker take on the stories we read as kids. I can never quite figure out exactly which story they are talking about..but I love the Bludbot Monroe. The fairy tale characters in Once Upon A Time are much easier to identify..and that's half the fun of the show. The story is also great..the Evil Queen, who hates Snow White, casts a spell that exiles all the inhabitants of the fairy tale kingdom to the town of Storybrooke Maine..where none of them remember who they are..except the Evil Queen herself. Dr. Hopper is Jiminy Cricket..teacher Mary Margaret is Snow White..and the waitress at the diner is Little Red Riding Hood. Did I mention Mr. Gold? He's really Rumpelstiltskin..and boy is he creepy!! Both shows are very good..if you haven't seen either one of them..check them out..I have a feeling you'll really like them!

Funeral Makeup Artist Prank

by Michael