~ Merry Christmas ~

 

Sign From God

by SacBarb

A woman and a man are involved in a head-on collision… it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt.  

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!  There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”  

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks half the bottle, handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” 

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police to arrive.”

Burial Plans

by Dianne

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" 
 
Neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98.  After the burial,  her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" 

(HERE IT COMES!!!)

The wife said,  "Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

50 Years

by Dianne

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now .... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

~Giving Thanks~

I'm Gonna Be A Bear

by Dianne

The Birds and The Bees

by Dianne

Jokes That Can be Told in Church

by Dianne

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why the groom wearing black?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, Please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." 

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" 

He answered, "Call for backup." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" 

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" 

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Happy Halloween ~

Burma Shave

by SacBarb

To My Old-As-Dirt Friends & Relatives who qualify as "old as dirt". 

 

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. 

 

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.  They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW

OUT SO FAR

IT MAY GO HOME

IN ANOTHER CAR.

Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER

ALL OVER THE MAP

'CAUSE NOBODY SITS

IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP.

Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH

BY MISTAKE

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS

HER HUSBAND JAKE.

Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD

TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT.

Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG

DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

IS NOT AMUSING.

Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER

LET'S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER

GOOD MORNING, NURSE.

Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER

TO HER RECKLESS DEAR

LET'S HAVE LESS BULL

AND A LITTLE MORE STEER.

Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH

WEATHER WAS NOT

TIRES WERE THIN

X MARKS THE SPOT.

Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE

OF PAUL FOR BEER

LED TO A WARMER

HEMISPHERE.

Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE

LICKETY-SPLIT

BEAUTIFUL CAR

WASN'T IT?

Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE

NO MATTER HOW NEW

THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE

IN THE CAR IS YOU.

Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES

A CAR WIDE OPEN

IS NOT THINKIN'

HE'S JUST HOPIN'.

Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS

LOOK EACH WAY

A HARP SOUNDS NICE

BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY.

Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL

EYES ON THE ROAD

THAT'S THE SKILLFUL

DRIVER'S CODE.

Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES

WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON YOU

TO DO HIS THINKING.

Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH

DRIVER IN TREE

THE MOON WAS FULL

AND SO WAS HE.

Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE

TAKE IT SLOW

LET OUR LITTLE

SHAVERS GROW.

Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child.

If they do - then you're old as dirt..LIKE ME!

The Ultimate Ethnic Joke.......

by Dianne

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an I Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, 
....Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

Group Therapy

by Just Lin

A Canadian psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children:

 

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

 

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

 

At this point, the fourth mother, Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Little Willy from school and go get dinner."

On The Beach

by Dianne

Goldie, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a Florida beach

near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

 

"Hello, sir, how are you?"

 

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

 

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

 

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

 

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

 

"Yes," he answered, continuing to read. Goldie persisted.

 

"Do you like pussy cats?"

 

With that, the old gentleman threw his book down, jumped off his blanket

onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most

passionate ride of her life!

 

 As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man,

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

 

 The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

New York Cab Ride

by Dianne

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom " said the boy, "what are all these women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replies.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mom?"   

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers!" she said.

~ The World Is Coming To An End ~

by Tina~in_ut

Female Medical Exam

by Mary

During a woman's medical examination, her British doctor says,

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Leave your knickers on! Just stick out your tongue!"

Blue Bird of Happiness?????

by Dianne 

The Pharmacist's Monday ......

by Dianne

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
 
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
   
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
   
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
   
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
   
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
   
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
  
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
  
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." 

Mama's Bible

by Dianne

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. 

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother, who had moved to Florida. 

The first said, "You know, I had a big house built for Mama." 

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in her house." 

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." 

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. To get the bird, I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." 

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration, Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote:

“Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. But the thought was good. Thanks." 

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people,  but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same." 

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much." 

Love, Mama

The Confessional

by Sac Barb

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

 

Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

 

Then the priest comes in.

 

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

 

The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side!"

Sign from God

by Barb

A woman and a man are involved in a head-on collision… it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but, amazingly neither of them are hurt.  

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!  There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!” 

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police to arrive.”

~ Happy 4th of July ~

Cap'n Jack's Seafood Grille

by Dianne

               A group of 15-year-old boys discussed where they should meet

               for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's

               next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six

               dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and

               Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the

               same street and they might see her.

    

               Ten years later, the group of now 25-year-old guys discussed

               where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would

               meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was

               cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there

               was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

    

               Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again

               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided

               they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the

               booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late

               enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

    

               Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where

               they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at

               Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and

               the waitresses wore low cut blouses and really tight pants.

    

               Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where

               they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at

               Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were

               reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for

               your cholesterol.

    

               Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again

               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they

               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the

               lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

    

               Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again

               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they

               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food

               was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped

               accessible.

    

               Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again

               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they

               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had

               never been there before...