~ Merry Christmas ~

3 year old Daughter

by Dianne

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”

The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I just had the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day? You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!”

Old Hillbilly Farmer

by Dianne

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag, it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

~ Happy Thanksgiving ~

Birch or Beech?

by Dianne

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A smaller tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. 

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that tree is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' 

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.  It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

~ Happy Halloween ~

Letter to Home from New Marine

by Dianne

Dear Ma and Pa:

 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

 

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

 

Alice

New Porsche

by Dianne

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

 

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

 

“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

 

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

 

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

 

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

 

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

 

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

 

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

A Cat's Heaven

by Dianne

A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,"You've been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask."

 

The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

 

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

 

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat.

 

The mice said, "All our life we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of

roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more."

 

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

 

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

 

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the best."

Carpenter Builds One Final Home

by Dianne

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.

 

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

 

When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front door key to the carpenter. “This is your house,” he said, “my gift to you.”

 

The carpenter was shocked! What s shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

 

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we’d do it much differently.

 

But we cannot go back. You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall.

 

“Life is a do-it-yourself project,” someone has said. Your attitudes and choices you make today, build the “house” you live in tomorrow. Build wisely!

 

Remember:

 

Work like you don’t need the money.

 Love like you’ve never been hurt.

                   Dance like nobody is watching.

 

“To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.”

Communication Issues

by Dianne .... sent via email

My husband sent me an email saying he was concerned that we have communication issues.

 

I immediately sent an Instant Message asking him to clarify.

 

He messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but sometimes we’re not as connected as he’d like.

 

I tweeted that I loved him more than anything. 

He sent over a text that said he loves me too.

 

So I leaned over and kissed him good night . . .

Three Blondes

by Dianne

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

 A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

 “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

  

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “We aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.”  

 

And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight,  the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

“What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two.

“Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

~ Happy 4th of July ~

Tech Support in Marriage

by Dianne

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

 

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

 

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do? 

Signed, Desperate.

 

The response that came weeks later out of the blue. 

 

 

Dear Desperate,

 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. 

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Lavish Praise 5.0

Good Luck!

~ Happy Father's Day ~

Basic Laws of ............

by Dianne

1 . Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

2. Law of Gravity

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 

3. Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers

If you dial the wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

 

5. Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

 

6. Law of the  Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

8. Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

 

10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are the furthest

from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. 

The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

11.The Coffee Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 

14. Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

 

15. Law of Physical Appearance

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

16.Law of Public Speaking

A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

 

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!

 

18. Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Buying A Mercedes

by Dianne

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes
 dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they
 were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a
 mini skirt and a halter top.
 The old man was visibly upset. He spoke
 to the salesman sharply.
 "Young man, I  thought you said you would hold
 that car till we raised the £55,000 asking price,"
 said the older man.
 "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for £45,000 to
 the lovely young lady there."
 " And if I remember right, you had insisted there was
 no way you could discount this model."
 The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and
 reached for a large glass of water.
 "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready,
 didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at
 her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning
 salesman sheepishly..
 Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and
 gave the car keys to the old man...
 "There you go," she said. "I told you I could
 get that idiot to lower the price...."
 "See you later, DADDY!!

Speech in Church

by Dianne 

Wife's Temper

by Dianne

A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.

The doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

The man says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The doctor says: -I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.

Two weeks later the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick”.

~ Happy Valentine's Day ~

God, Explained by Children

by Dianne

'One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. 
He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.'

'God's second most important job is listening to prayers.  An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.'

'God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.'

'Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista . At least there aren't any who come to our church.'

'Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water, performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.' And God did not let Jesus stay in the grave, but raised him from the dead.

'His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.'

'You can pray anytime you want and either God or Jesus are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.' 

'You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God! 

‘Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.'

'If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.'

'But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.’