~ Merry Christmas ~

 

Grandma & Grandpa

 by Dianne

~ Happy Thanksgiving ~

 

Never Assume

 by Dianne

~ Happy Halloween ~

 

Yearly Exam

 by Dianne

No One Believes Seniors Anymore

 by Dianne

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." 

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. 

One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Were outta here!"

Wife is Missing

 by Dianne

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home…

 

Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?

 

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

 

Sergeant: Weight?

 

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

 

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

 

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

 

Sergeant: Color of hair?

 

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

 

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

 

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't  know exactly.

 

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

 

Husband: She went in my truck.

 

Sergeant: What  kind of truck was it?

 

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the  bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather  6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelin's. It has custom  running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

 

At this point the husband started choking  up. . .

 

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

Carnation Milk Ad

by Dianne

65 Years Ago.
This is PRICELESS .............

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am,.....The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

~ Happy Independence Day ~

Household Chores

by Dianne

~ Happy Father's Day ~

Retirement

by Dianne

Why I Like Retirement ! Question: How many days in a week?  Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday  Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?  Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep  in his Lay-Z-Boy.  Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?  Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.  Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?  Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.  Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?  Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.  Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?  Answer: Tied shoes.  Question: Why do retirees count pennies?  Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.  Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?  Answer: NUTS!  Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?  Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?  Answer: Normal.  Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.  Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.  Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.  And, my very favorite...  QUESTION: What do you do all week?  Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.  SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....  'Two years older than me'  'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..  She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:  'And what do you think is the best thing  about being 104?' the reporter asked...  She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is  you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. I've sure gotten old!  I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,  take 40 different medications that  make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,  the class was over. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' THE SENILITY PRAYER :  Grant me the senility to forget the people  I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.