~ Tribute to a Man who DID make a Difference ~

by Tina~in_ut

May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70

'You still chase women, but only downhill'.


ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your
birthday suit needs pressing.'


ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake.'


ON TURNING 100

' I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything
until noon . Then it's time for my nap.'


ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring . the
referee kept stepping on them.'


ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or,
as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'


ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business
is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents
and entertained only six.'


ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, '
Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'.'


ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL

'I feel very humble, but I think I have
the strength of character to fight it.'


ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got
cold, mother threw on another brother.'


ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the bathroom.'


ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat
if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'


ON GOING TO HEAVEN

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd
hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

The Land That Made Me, Me

by Sac Barb

I have no idea who put this together, but it is wonderful!!  Growing up in the Fifties was so different than how kids grow up today.  The simplicity of it all was the best.  I'm sure in 20 or 30 years from now there will be another version about how good it was growing up in the 80's or 90's.

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me, 

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn. 
 

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

   
And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

  

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

 

 And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.
 

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea

Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

 

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

 

Underskirt

by Dianne

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he pleaded,"Pl,let me hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister.
You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of  legs!"

The nun replied,"If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.
I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Kiss Concert

by Dianne

Who would have thought that KISS even knew the words or music to these songs! No makeup and no costumes--just straight up!

This was filmed in Iraq at a USO tour of a US Marine Base.

They Walk Among Us

by Goldie

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have"...........Thomas Jefferson   

A DC  'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of  'WHY' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.  (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,  and then he interrupted me with,  ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid,  but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,  ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts ,   Cape Town is in South Africa .''
His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!''  (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,  ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said,  ''No.''

She said,  ''But they look so close on the map''  (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas ..  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ...  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,  ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''  (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,  and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''  I said,  'No, why do you ask?'

He replied,  ''Well, when I checked in with the airline,  they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),  and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing).  I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .  After going over all the cost info, she asked,  ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China .  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.  "Oh, no I don't.   I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino,   New York .''

I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
 After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply?  ''Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.   Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

New Sr. Health Plan?

by Sac Barb

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Congressmen.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth?

No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered. And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

The Madison Scouts

by Jodi

I have been a huge Madison Scouts fan for over 30 years. They are one of only two male only drum corps left in existence. Years ago they were a powerhouse in the drum corps world. They are known for their “wall of sound” and their innovative color guard. Starting last year, they have made a comeback to their old school roots.

Their show this year is called New York Morning. Their repertoire includes:

New York, New York (Leonard Bernstein)
Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’ (Richard Rodgers)
Beautiful Mourning (Robert W. Smith)
Requiem (Robert W. Smith)
Empire State of Mind (Alicia Keys, Shawn Carter, Jane’t Sewell, Angela Hunte, Al Shuckburgh, Burt Keyes and Sylvia Robinson)
It is their tribute to a great city and 9/11. Enjoy ♥

Neuticles

by Michael

Is this your dog? Embarrassed? Feeling unmanly?

                                 Well all that’s about to change…

 with

Have you ever neutered your male dog only to think, I wonder how that blatant physical change is affecting him psychologically? No? Me neither, at least not for more than a second. But it seems, that there is someone out there who has put some serious thought into the psychological and physical affects that neutering can have upon a male dog, and they've come up with a very specific kind of prosthetic.

Yes, Neuticals creates testicular implants for dogs, for those people out there who know how important it is to spay and neuter your pets for control over the animal population (as Bob Barker always reminded viewers on "The Price is Right"), but just can't bare having their dog look like his manhood has been stripped away. It might seem a little crazy, especially when you take a look at the price tags of the implants; but hey, with so many people that treat their dogs as people, it was only a matter of time before someone came along to give dogs the same luxuries of men who find themselves lacking in that area.

Tell me, what do you think about Neuticles and their quest to make all neutered dogs appear as though they're still in tact?

CHURCH SIGNS WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR

by Sac Barb

Toronto Woman Told To Put Her Shirt Back On

by Shirley

More than two decades after a woman from Guelph, Ont., won the right to take off her shirt in public, a Toronto woman is complaining that organizers at a local beer festival told her it wasn't allowed.

Jeanette Martin was at the annual Toronto beer gathering on Sunday when she took up a dare from one of her friends and took off her shirt. She was wearing a bra but apparently that wasn't enough for organizers.

"Within 10 seconds flat I had a security guard telling me to put my top back on or else I'd be escorted out of the grounds," Martin told CBC News.

Martin was told that she would attract unwanted attention from men and her safety was at risk.

"I didn't feel unsafe," she said. "I just wanted to be comfortable."

The incident comes 20 years after Gwen Jacobs took off her shirt while walking in Guelph on a 33 C day.

Jacobs, who was not wearing a bra, took her fight all the way to Ontario's Court of Appeal where she was vindicated.

The court struck down a lower court ruling.

In part, the Appeal Court decision said "there was nothing degrading or dehumanizing in what the appellant did. The scope of her activity was limited and was entirely non-commercial. No one who was offended was forced to continue looking at her."

Since that 1996 decision it has been legal for women to remove their tops in public in Ontario.

Martin said the people who told her to cover up were looking at the problem the wrong way.

"Deal with the guys if there is a problem," she said, "but don't come over and pre-emptively tell me that I'm going to start a problem."

"This is the reason we have events like SlutWalk now — to bring attention to the fact that we're not just sexual beings, we're just out having a good time."

Martin's not sure why she got so much attention at the beer fest. The security team apologized and she's had lots of support, even from her parents.

"I actually think they'll be very proud of me for standing up for my rights — and it is an issue of rights for women to be able to do this without being sexualized," Martin said.

Thoughts anyone? Agree? Disagree?

Money Grabber

by Just Lin

In light of recent ecomonic turmoil, I thought this music video was appropriate. For some reason, I think of Congress every time I hear it. LOL

What A Week!

by Sac Barb

When you have a bad week, here's something that will make you laugh and feel better.  

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.  Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
had a talk with her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

 

 

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

 

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

 

  

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.  With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 

 

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'  'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

 

  

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. 

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.  'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

 

 

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

 

 

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'  'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?'

 

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

 

 

SUNDAY 

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland ... As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'  A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours! 

“He's My Brother” - This is Priceless

by Zona

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

 

"Eight", the boy replied.

 

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

 

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. 

They're for him. 

He's my brother.

He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either."

Skipping School

by Michael

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.

 

So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill."

 

Secretary at high school answered...

"I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

 

Schoolgirl's response...

"This is my mother."

The Pilot and The Priest

by Dianne

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

Silver or Gold

by Iteach

This day in history gold was discovered in the Yukon. While salmon fishing near the Klondike River in Canada's Yukon Territory on this day in 1896, George Carmack reportedly spots nuggets of gold in a creek bed. His lucky discovery sparks the last great gold rush in the American West. 

When I saw this it reminded me of a dilemma that I'm having right now.  I'm looking to buy a Mother's Ring, but I don't know if I should have the band be in silver, gold,etc.....  I don't have a preference.  So now here is a dumb question.  Should all the ring bands on your fingers be the same?  Can you have one be gold and the other white gold or is that a big no-no?  What kind of rings do you like on your fingers?  Also, what should I do with my wedding ring?

My Watch!!!

by Jodi

Mother’s Day weekend Sam and I drove down to spend the weekend with Lois Lane and her family.  Her small little town has become somewhat of a sanctuary for me.  It was my first weekend off after my Dad’s funeral and I just felt the need to get away.

 

Lois is on the board of a place called Teen Turf.  It is a local teen center headed by an awesome lady named Eileen.  The weekend that I was there is their biggest fund raiser of the year.  The have a lovely chicken dinner followed by a live and silent auction.  When we got there Lois introduced me to Eileen.  She is this little ball of energy that hugged me like we were long lost friends.  I told her that I had a fistful of dollars and couldn’t wait for the auction.

 

I had already decided to make a donation, so Lois said find something you like and bid on it.  Eileen had been invited to Oprah’s very last “Favorite Things” show and had donated several items for the auction.  I checked out the Oprah items and I fell in love!!  Philip Stein designed a special watch for Oprah’s 25^th season.  It has a double face with O’s and silver 2 and 5 on the top watch in honor of her 25^th season.  Oh, and yes it has 58 hand set diamonds around the bezel.  It is divine and I had to have it!!  The bidding started at $500….gulp…..ok here we go!!  I have never been so extravagant in my whole life; especially on something for me.  As the bidding got higher, the more I was shaking.  Once the bidding was over and I got the watch, I just broke down.  I was so happy to be able to make such a generous donation in memory of my Dad. 

http://www.philipstein.com/Oprah.aspx

~ One Day More ~

by Tina~in_ut

5 Year Old's First Job.....

by Michael

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers.  It will make you believe that we can all make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. 

 

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. 

 

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. 

 

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough" more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. 

 

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account. 

 

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." 

 

"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" 

 

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock." 

 

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?