Kulula Airlines

by Shirley

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And have a read about their Customer Relations.

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.


Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o----

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o----

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

---o0o---

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o----

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o---

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

Idiot Sighting

by Shirley

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

I handed the Teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00.  I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size"  When I got up off the floor I tried to explain it to her....  (Oh!  Just  never mind. You can't fix STUPID )

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

 

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

 

His reply: 'I know. I already got that side..'

 

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

We had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

 

He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than Two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.  I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

 

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's....

 

Better yet go to Burger King

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING    

 

I live in a rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

 

From Kingman , KS

 

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

 

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

 

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

 

-- From Kansas City

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,  'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

 

To which I replied, 'IF it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

 

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our Manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'   Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.  This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, could not understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING (MY FAVORITE)

 

How would YOU pronounce this child's name?  " Le-a "
Leah??  NO
Lee - A??   NOPE
Lay - a??  NO
Lei??   Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.

 

Her Mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.  It's pronounced "Ledasha".   When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

 

So, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to "pronounce the dash."  If dey axe you why, tell dem da dash don't be silent.

Funny Ass Blog

by Shirley

              THEY FINALLY PUBLISHED "MY" VERSIONS OF THE GREAT DOCTOR- SEUSS


   Dr. Seuss For Older Kids

 

Redneck Medical Terms

by Shirley

 Artery......................The study of paintings.
 Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
 Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
 Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
 Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
 Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
 Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
 Colic.......................A sheep dog.
 Coma........................A punctuation mark.
 D&C.........................Where Washington is.
 Dilate......................To live long.
 Enema.......................Not a friend.
 Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
 Fibula......................A small lie.
 Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
 G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
 Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
 Impotent....................Distinguished… well known.
 Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
 Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
 Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
 Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
 Node........................I knew it.
 Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
 Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
 Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
 Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
 Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
 Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
 Secretion...................Hiding something
 Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
 Tablet......................A small table.
 Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
 Tumor.......................More than one.
 Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
 Varicose....................Near by

TONGUE TWISTERS

by Shirley

Before reading today's blog please make sure you have had your coffee!

Blake's black bike's back brake bracket block broke.

Miss Smith's fish-sauce shop seldom sells shellfish.

Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.

Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.

But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.

If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought,

I wouldn't have thought so much.

 

I see a sea down by the seashore.

But which sea do you see down by the seashore?

A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.

Said the flea, 'Let us fly!'

Said the fly, 'Let us flee!'

So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.

Spread it thick, say it quick!

Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.

Spread it thicker, say it quicker!

Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.

Don't eat with your mouth full!

Does this shop sport short socks with spots?

No nose knows like a gnome's nose knows.

A tutor who tooted the flute

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.

Said the two to the tutor:

'Is it harder to toot or

To tutor two tooters to toot?'

Susan shineth shoes and socks;

Socks and shoes shines Susan.

She ceases shining shoes and socks,

For shoes and socks shock Susan.

How many cookies could a good cook cook 

If a good cook could cook cookies? 

A good cook could cook as much cookies 

as a good cook who could cook cookies.

Fresh fried fish,

Fish fresh fried,

Fried fish fresh,

Fish fried fresh.

Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

There once was a two toed, she toad, tree toad,

and a three toed, he toad, tree toad....

Clean clams crammed in clean cans.

A cheap ship trip.

A cheap ship trip.

A cheap ship trip.

A cheap ship trip.

If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,

buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.

 

Sally is a sheet slitter, she slits sheets. 

Sally is a sheet slitter, she slits sheets. 

Sally is a sheet slitter, she slits sheets.

New Year's Resolutions for 2012

by Shirley

For some reason this new year the resolutions have more to do with driving habits, personal hygiene and the safe handling of explosives instead of the usual lose weight, get more exercise and eat less canned meat products. Okay, maybe that last one isn't usual.

This year, I resolve to:

Always replace the gas nozzle
before driving away from the pump.

I will always "check for paper"
when leaving the restroom.

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case".

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

I will no longer park the BMW
 next to fire hydrants.

and never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with the help of a known practical joker.

 

 

Have a Safe and Happy New Year!

10 Gifts No One Wants

by Shirley

It's definitely the thought that counts when it comes to holiday gift giving. However, even the smallest amount of consideration will suggest that the following 10 very unique gifts will not be appreciated by anyone on your list this year.

The iPhone Virtual Reality Viewer 

It's been 30 years since we first starting talking about the concept of "virtual reality," and, while it's been the subject of countless movies and TV shows, we're not partaking in virtual reality on a daily basis. So, it's highly unlikely anyone would really want to receive what amounts to a pair of binoculars you clip to your iPhone to watch 3-D videos. 

 

 

 

 

 Bacon Candy 

Sure bacon is ultra-trendy, but the fact is bacon candy (or any of the other myriad bacon-flavored food items) isn't going to taste good. The recipient of this gift would pop one in his mouth, spit it out, and never look at the tin again. A better gift: A subscription to the Bacon of the Month club. 

Drive Scorpion Jacket 

Drive, the film starring Ryan Gosling was a critical hit this year, but does even the most ardent fan want to wear the scorpion-accented satin jacket Gosling wears throughout the movie? Probably not.

 

  Kackel Dackel 

Apparently Kackel Dackel is one of the most popular kids' games in Europe and is set to take America by storm this holiday season. However, we can't imagine actually giving a child a flatulent plastic dog whose mess he has to pretend to clean up. Yikes. 

 

 The Situation's GTL Garment Bag 

Jersey Shore's "The Situation" might be really into laundry, but no one outside the Shore wants to tote their clothes around town in a branded GTL garment bag-even if it does convert into a hamper, duffel bag, or laundry bag. 

 

 "F" Bomb Paperweight

Fred Conlon's "F Bomb" paperweight sculpture is sort of clever, but we're not sure anyone would be too thrilled to open up a package containing an "F bomb." 

USB Fishquarium 

The USB aquarium seems like a gag, but it's real! This strange gadget contains a 1.5-liter fish tank; pencil cup; task light; display that features a clock, calendar, and temperature sensor; and a speaker that plays soothing nature sounds. The entire thing is powered via your computer's USB port. It's another gadget that sounds cool, but no one would ever use for longer than five minutes. 

Ron de Jeremy Rum 

No one (and we mean no one) wants to open a bottle of porn star Ron-Jeremy-branded rum. Not even if it's been aged for seven years and expertly crafted by Master Distiller Francisco "Don Pancho" Fernandez. 

As Seen on TV Forever Lazy 

As the Snuggie was to 2009 holiday gifts, Forever Lazy will be to 2011 gifts. But, remember how unenthused you were to receive that Snuggie? Exactly. Don't give anyone Forever Lazy. 

Shock Ball 

We've likely all played a game of hot potato at some point, but chances are we haven't ever played it with a ball that will randomly emit an electric shock. That's probably because we spend our lives avoiding electric shocks, not tempting fate by playing games where we might get zapped. As much as you think you can cajole your family into playing on Christmas morning, leave this one on the shelf. 

 

Ice Cream

by Shirley

This was sent to me by a co-worker and I knew some of you would enjoy it.

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And
liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up
your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE!!!!!!!

by Shirley

I went to get my car and some PRICK HAD ME BLOCKED IN.

Tickle.....TICKLE!!!!!!!

by Shirley

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

Cost of items in '12 Days of Christmas' tops a total of $100,000 for first time

by Shirley

I read this and thought "Hmmm someone has too much time on their hands, but it is interesting!", so I decided to share with all of you!

 

PITTSBURGH, Pa. - The price of partridges, pear trees and turtle doves has spiked, pushing the cost of every item mentioned in the carol "The Twelve Days of Christmas" above $100,000 for the first time.

Holding mostly steady this year: maids-a-milking, ladies dancing, lords-a-leaping and gold rings.

The 364 items repeated across all the song's verses would cost $101,119, an increase of 4.4 per cent over last year, according to the annual Christmas Price Index compiled by PNC Wealth Management. The broader government Consumer Price Index increased by 3.9 per cent over the same period.

Those with the money to spend would end up with 12 drummers drumming, 22 pipers piping, 30 lords-a-leaping, 36 ladies dancing, 40 maids-a-milking, 42 swans-a-swimming, 42 geese-a-laying, 40 gold rings, 36 calling birds, 30 French hens, 22 turtle doves, and 12 partridges in pear trees. (The price does not include bird maintenance.)

But buying just one set of each verse in the song will cost $24,263 this year — a moderate 3.5 per cent rise.

Eleven pipers piping will set you back $2,427, but that's a relative bargain compared to seven swans-a-swimming, which cost $6,300. That's a 12.5 per cent rise over last year.

Jim Dunigan, managing executive of investment for PNC Wealth Management, said the core rate of increase is less than half the 9.2 per cent jump last year.

"The story in general is wages are still a very sluggish part of this economy," said Dunigan, who noted that the price of eight maids-a-milking at minimum wage was $58 — the same as in 2009.

Five gold rings even declined a bit, Dunigan said, to $645, from $650 last year.

But last-minute shoppers who turn to the Internet may be in for some surprises. The core list that costs about $24,000 in stores will come to $39,860 online — a whopping 16.1 per cent increase over Internet prices last year. Dunigan said the high cost of shipping live birds explains some of the difference.

Six items didn't go up in cost this year: French hens, calling birds, gold rings, maids-a-milking, ladies dancing and lords-a-leaping. Pipers piping and drummers drumming rose 3 per cent. The partridge is still the cheapest item, at $15, and swans the most expensive.

PNC Financial Services Group Inc. checks jewelry stores, dance companies, pet stores and other sources to compile the list. Some of its sources this year include the National Aviary in Pittsburgh and the Philadelphia-based Pennsylvania Ballet Company.

 

Retirement Planning

by Shirley

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 left.
... But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of wine one year ago, drunk all the wine, then turned in the bottles for the recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Let people you care about know this... And tell them to start now! I am passing this information on as a public service . . . There is no need to thank me.

Stupid Warning Labels

by Shirley

These just make me wonder what moron out there has tried this stuff to make us need these labels. Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm!!

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

On a lawnmower: Do not place hands or feet under mower when engine is running.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a portable stroller: Remove infant before folding for storage.

On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard: Do not drive with sunshield in place.

On a Petco brand dog muzzle: Not suitable for children.

On Tampax Tampons: Remove used tampon before inserting new one.

On the package of an Ace Garden Hose: Do not spray water into an electrical outlet. Severe electrical shock could result.

On a hair dryer: Do not use in shower. Never use while sleeping.

On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket: Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.