I just LOVE this

by Dianne

JANE SEABROOK is an illustrator and designer who lives in Auckland,New Zealand. In recent years, her artwork has focused on paintings of wildlife for the Fury Logic series of books. She shares her life with her husband, two teenage children, and a growing menagerie of assorted animals. Following are some excerpts from her Fury Logic books. 

 

These Should Bring A Smile......

by Dianne

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

 

  By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

 

  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

 

  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

  Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine

 

  My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

 

  Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

 

  I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields

 

  We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers 

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

 

  Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller

 

  By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

Genius Idea

by Dianne

Never Wax Your Hoo Ha

by Jodi

I got the following from my friend Sandy that used to work at my store.  I havent' stopped giggling since.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal.  The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now the wax.  Read on…

My night began as any other normal weeknight.  Fix dinner and watch the grandkids come and go.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours…”maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet”.

So I headed to the site of my demise:  the bathroom.

It was one of those “cold wax” kits.  No melting a clump of hot wax; you just rub the strips together in your hand.  They get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.  No muss, no fuss.  How hard can it be?

I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out…..YA THINK?!!?  So I pull one of the thin strips out.  Its two strips facing each other….stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.  “Cold wax”….yeah, right!!  I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull.  It works!!!

Ok, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad.  I can do this!!  Hair removal no longer eludes me!  I am She-rah.  Fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.  After checking on the family, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.  I drop my granny panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).  I inhale deeply and brace myself…..RRRRIIIPPPP!!!

I’m blind!!!  Blinded from pain.  O M G!!!!!  Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.  CRAP!!!  Another deep breath and RIP!!!  Everything is spinning and spotted.  I think I may pass out.  I must stay conscious….I must stay conscious.  Do I hear crashing drums?!!?  Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy.  A wax covered strip.   The one that has caused me so much pain; with my hairy pelt sticking to it.  I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.   I hold up the strip.  There’s no hair on it.  Where is the hair?????  WHERE IS THE WAX???  Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.  I see the hair.  The hair that should be on the strip.  It’s not!!!  I touch it.  I am touching wax.  I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake.  Remember my foot is still propped on the toilet, so I put my foot down.  Sealed shut!!  My butt is sealed shut.  I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop”….my head may pop off!!!

What can I do to melt the wax?  Hot water!  Hot water melts wax!  I’ll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe if off, right?!!?  I get in the tub.  The water is slightly hotter than used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.  I sit.  Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.  In scalding hot water…which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.

So now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!  God Bless the AT&T man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!  I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.  It’s a very good conversation starter.  “So, my butt and hoo ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!!”  There is a slight pause.  She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal, but she does try to hide her laughter from me.  She wants to know exactly where the wax is located.  “Are we talking cheeks or hoo ha?”  She’s laughing out loud by now.  I can hear her.  I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.  YEAH….RIGHT!!!  I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.  Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!  

By now the brain is not working.  Dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.  My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.  What do I really have to lose at this point?  

I rub some on the area and O M G!!!!  The scream probably woke the family and scared the dickens out of my friend.  It is sooooo painful, but I really don’t care.  IT WORKS!!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.  I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE….ALL OF IT!!!  So I recklessly shave it off.  Heck, I’m numb by now.  Nothing hurts.  I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try coloring my hair.  How bad can that turn out?!!?

Senior Golf

by Dianne

Beverly is 90 years old. She's played golf every day since her retirement 25 years ago. One day she arrives home looking sad.

"That's it," she tells her husband, Gus, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take me with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Beverly, "you're a hundred and three. You can't help."

"I may be a hundred and three," says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

She turns to the husband and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied Gus, "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Beverly.

"I don't remember."

Take Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth

by Jeff Daniels

Submitted by Just Lin

This song just makes me laugh. Jeff Daniels wrote this "break up" song and performed it on Craig Ferguson's Late Late Show. Besides laughing, I also found myself tapping my foot.

Flying Over America

by Zona

Watch this full screen if you can...it's really cool! :)

Blonde Jokes

by Dianne

A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year" The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."


A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up


A blonde woman and her neighbor were talking...The neighbor said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."-


A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"


A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The Cop says "That's your air freshener swinging about!"


A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks. "Here boy!" she replies.

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe".

Shark Week Is Coming...

by Lynn D

Pregnant on the Bus

by Dianne

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURTDOCKET12659
      ---
      A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
      She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
      She immediately moved to another seat.
      This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
      The man seemed more amused.
      When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

      She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
      The case came up in court.
      The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
      What he had to say for himself.
      The man replied,
      'Well your Honor, it was like this:
      When the lady got on the bus,
      I couldn't help but notice her condition.
      She sat down under a sign that said,
      'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
      Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
      'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
      Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
      'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
      But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
      And sat under a sign that said,
      'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
      ... I just lost it.'

      'CASE DISMISSED!!'

I ACCIDENTLY STEPPED ON THE ACCELERATOR INSTEAD OF THE BRAKE

by Sac Barb

To my Darling Husband,   

      Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick-up truck when I turned into the driveway.  Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.   

 

      I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

  The garage door is slightly bent but the pick-up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. 

   

      I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.  You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.   

 

       I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.  

Your loving wife. XOXOXO   

 

 P.S. I almost forgot to mention…   your girlfriend called.

Name the Picture

by Dianne

~ Good Time ~

by Tina~in_ut

Crocker Art Gallery and Museum

by Lynn D

The picture below was taken at the Crocker Art Gallery and Museum, when I went to Barb's last month. I would like everyone to take a stab at what this exhibit looks like to you.

Barb and J/L don't give it away. I will post the Gallery description at the end of the day. :)

~ A Doctor and His Problem ~

by Tina~in_ut

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.


But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go."


But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering………. "You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

~ The Cure ~

by Tina~in_ut

 Finally: A Cure for Plumber's Crack

 

~ The Big Bang Theory ~

by Tina~in_ut

My friend Hollie just could not believe I had never seen the Big Bang Theory. They started showing episodes on the planes and I saw one on our way home from San Juan and told her. So she brought me seasons 1-4 to watch at home. I'm half way through season 3 and it's freaking hilarious. I can't explain these characters. They are nerds. Brilliant nerds. Quirky as all get out. I love them~

What A Wonderful World

by Zona

A Father's Love

by Just Lin

Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me is to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calmed down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Works with grandkids, also.

~ Dark Side ~

by Tina~in_ut

Morning Sex

by Sac Barb

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer is broken."

~ Pinyon Fire ~

by Tina~in_ut

There's ash all over my patio and patio furniture. Yesterday the whole valley smelled like burning wood. It was a mess here. Just south of my house, it looked like Eagle Mountain was on fire. Actually, it's looked like that since Monday. On Monday, the smoke was white....and I thought it went away. On Tuesday, there was some smoke, and it was black....but just a little....and it went away.....I thought, yet again. But on Wednesday, it was everywhere. It filled the valley and you couldn't see a thing. Homes were evacuated. The fire's still not contained. A friend of mine used to live not too far from there. She moved to Idaho. She wrote something weird on FB so I asked her about it. LOL.....the wench just moved back to the same neighborhood and is praying she won't have to evacuate. Ugh~ Anyway, I found this "cool" video online. Who has time to do this?

~ Tech Support ~

by Tina~in_ut

Affair with an Older Woman

by Dianne

Coincidence

by Zona

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

~ "New Kitchen" ~

by Tina~in_ut

I feel like I have a new kitchen. I now have a new fridge and stove and microwave. It's made a huge difference. Our old fridge was one that we got second had from friends. The ice maker had stopped working and some of the drawers were broken. It was WAY past it's prime. I love the double oven. We've already used both ovens at the same time to make pizza and cookies. Unfortunately, it also heats up my room.....which isn't nice when it's 98 degrees outside. It will be cozy in the winter, tho~  (and Michael...the sticky stuff in the fridge....it's gone...mkay?!!!...so no comments!!!)

Call Me Maybe - 2012 USA Olympic Swimming Team

by Just Lin

I've really been enjoying watching the Olympics and just saw this cute video this morning. Michael might even find something to like in here. LOL

Twins Days

by Maureen

This weekend marks the 36th Twins Days festival in my sleepy little burgh of, where else but, Twinsburg! My little town of less then 19,000 people plays host to thousands of multiples from all over the world to celebrate twin-dom! I am not a gracious host, as I make sure to get the heck out of dodge for the weekend!

 

In 1976, in celebration of the Bi-Centennial, the first festival was held with a whopping 36 sets of twins. Now, wherever you look you see what you just saw! Twins, triplets, quads and quints! If a face looks familiar it's because you just saw it on someone else!

 

 

 

I enjoy seeing the matching babies and octogenarians and every age in between, but seeing double takes its toll! The traffic is horrendous and the noise is terrible. The festival takes place at the high school which is literally around the corner from my house. My street is blocked off on Saturday morning due to the parade through town. And even when it is finally opened, forget making a left turn out of it and going right takes you right into the midst of it.

 

So, as a benevolent action on my part, I make the sacrifice and remove myself and 1 more car from the traffic jams!

 

It really is a great weekend for the multiples, their families and the local economy. I hope the tradition carries on for at least another 36 years and beyond. And I hope I continue to have a place to escape to each of those years!!!

 

Be sure to Google the festival and see the smiling faces and matching outfits...in stereo!!

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

by Maureen

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil in-tent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

~ St. Maarten ~

by Tina~in_ut

Hubby took this video standing in the water~

~ Our Wait Staff ~

by Tina~in_ut

Every night, our wait staff provided a little entertainment. Sometimes they danced. Sometimes they sang. The dancing was always better than their singing. This video cracks me up. One night, I told our head waiter, Eduardo, that I wanted him to change places with one of the main dancers and I wanted him to dance on the table. He disappeared. and the next thing I know....he's dancing on the table!!! That video turned out too dark. Such a bummer. We had the best staff of all. Of course, we picked them. On our third night, Eduardo, Nestor, and Elena waited on us. After that, we asked for them each and every night. Once Eduardo figured out what we were doing, he would turn his "table for four" into a table for five so we wouldn't have to wait. He would do magic tricks for the kids. They were all very nice and efficient.

Nestor, Eduardo, the Hubby, and Elena (three brats sitting)