Bud Light Colonoscopy

by Mary

Dr Visit for a colonoscopy ?

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room

And told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.




After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .




When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused

This is my first exam ..

I know what the K-Y is for

And I know what the glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER is for?


At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door

He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .

Dang it Evelyn !!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT "!


.......sort of like a Pabst smear.

The Things I Owe My Parents

by Dianne

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ..
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning.." 

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why." 

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper" 

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

 

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!" 

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home." 

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!" 

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 

19. My Parents taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father." 

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

And my favourite:

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

~ Mirrors ~

by Tina~in_ut

Whether We Win or Lose

by Dianne

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his

9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you

understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The

little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win

or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an

out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,

or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you

understand all that? '

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so

another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good

sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or

shithead" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and

explain all that to your grandmother!'

New Password

by Dianne

~ Waffle House ~

by Tina~in_ut

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

by Dianne

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

1. A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

2. A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

3. A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

~ My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
~ The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
~ My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
~ My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
~ I had no control over the drooling.
~ Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
~ I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

How To Tell Time In Italian

by Dianne