The Date

 by Dianne

Old People

 by Dianne

The Funeral

 by Dianne

The Salesman

 By Dianne

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. 

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" 

"Yes," the young man replies, "I was a salesman back in Omaha." 

The interview goes well and the man gets the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." 

His first day on the job is rough, but he gets through it. After the store is locked up, the boss comes down. 

"How many customers bought something from you today?" he asks. 

"One," the man replies. 

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" 

The kid replies, "$101,237.65." 

"$101,237.65?!" the boss repeats, flabbergasted. "What the heck did you sell?" 

"Well, first, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." 

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" the boss asked. 

The young man said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

Never Argue with a Woman

 by Dianne

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that quite obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I am reading!'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up a ticket.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Jim

 by Dianne

Crocodile Farm

 by Dianne

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal, "Whoever dares to jump, swim to the shore, and survive, I'll give you $1,000,000."

No one dared to move. 

Suddenly, a man jumped into the water, desperately swam, and made it to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

The owner announced, "We have a brave winner!!"

After the man collected his reward, he and his wife returned to the hotel. Upon arrival, the manager told him that he had been very brave to jump. To which the man replied, "I didn't jump! Someone pushed me!" 

His wife smiled.

Moral - Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him!

An Irishman in Canada

 by Dianne

Take Off

 by Dianne

Wife and Husband

 by Dianne

The Gardener, the Carpenter, the Baker

 by Dianne

ABC's of Marriage

 by Dianne

The Plumber's Tree

 by Dianne - who could have told me I was slackin'~

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job, a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit, and his ancient one-ton truck refused to start.

 

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

 

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family.

 

As we walked up the front walk, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

 

When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was wreathed in smiles, and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

 

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree, and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

 

'Oh, that's my trouble tree,' he replied. 'I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.'

 

'Funny thing is,' he smiled,' when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.’

 

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. We all need a Tree!

An Irish Hooker

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The Pharmacist

 by Dianne

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

 

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

 

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

 

The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

 

“Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Mushrooms

 by Dianne

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
 
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
 
"No --- some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
 
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
 
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.  Spot ate every bit.
 
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
 
The meal was a great success.
 
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
 
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
 
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
 
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The  Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
 
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
 
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered and were sitting around in the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..... "I can't believe that guy!"
 
"What guy?"
 
"You know --- the bastard who ran over Spot ---- he didn't even slow down."

The Dog

 by Dianne

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

 

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

 

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

 

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

 

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

 

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

The Nun

 by Dianne

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago .

 

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.”

 

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago .”

 

The nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone.

 

The more she thought about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again.

 

She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.”

 

The nun says to herself, “I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.” She sat back down.

 

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.

 

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking “This is incredible. I’ve got to try this again.”

 

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind.”

 

Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself “I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.”

 

But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

 

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.”

 

She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”

New CEO

 by Dianne

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this . . .

 

 

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

 

“How much money do you make a week?”

 

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

 

The CEO said,”Wait right here.”

 

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

 

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

 

“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

 

From across the room a voice said,

“Sure – he was the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

Catholic Churches in Las Vegas

 by Dianne

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the offering basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This really isn’t all that unusual because in ‘Vegas, casino chips are pretty much universally accepted as cash.

What is interesting though is that there is an endless amount of chip sorting going on in the monastery, and of course it is all done by….

…. The Chip Monks.

OK, OK… but…..

You didn't see that coming, did you??!!