Female Medical Exam

by Mary

During a woman's medical examination, her British doctor says,

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Leave your knickers on! Just stick out your tongue!"

New Texas Priest

by Mary

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to

serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing

confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in

on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions,

then the old priest asks him to step out of the

confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your

chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying

things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'”

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one

hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little

better than slapping your knee and saying,

‘No shit, what happened next?????’"

Why I Like Retirement.....

by Mary

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes. 

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. 

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS! 

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer: Normal. 

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. 

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. 

Question: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Lexiphile

by Mary/MI

       Lexiphile is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, like: 

                      "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish….."

or….........

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . .. . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.  
Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.

How To Stay Young

by Mary/MI

1.  Try everything twice. On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
"Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"

2.  Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...Never let the brain get idle.  'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM /HER.

6.. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips..Take a trip to the mall, even to the next  city, state, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. 

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

Lay-over On The Rock

by Mary

A jet is making its final approach into St. John's Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom and announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland . I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on "the ROCK"

He forgets to switch off the intercom.  Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?"

"Well", says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.  I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear ....He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first."

Bud Light Colonoscopy

by Mary

Dr Visit for a colonoscopy ?

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room

And told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.




After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .




When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused

This is my first exam ..

I know what the K-Y is for

And I know what the glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER is for?


At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door

He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .

Dang it Evelyn !!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT "!


.......sort of like a Pabst smear.

Mrs. Brown's Orgasmic Phone Call

by Mary

Buster brings home a new smartphone that causes some interesting vibrations for Mrs Brown...

Poop!!

by Mary

Manure... An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial
fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier,
but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is
methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles
you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!


Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the
instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the
sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water
that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start
the production of methane.



Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has
come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

FLU SEASON

by Mary

To avoid it...

Eat right! 

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
 
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.  

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.  

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. 

Get plenty of rest.
  
OR
Take the doctor's approach.  

Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why? 

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So........


I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)


The way I see it...
  


If you keep your alcohol levels up,
  
flu germs can't get you!
 
REMEMBER:
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!'