The Baptist White Lie Cake

by Sac Barb

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, AL, but forgot it until the last minute.

She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat, the cake was disfigured !

"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another one!"

Being inventive, she looked for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions: be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30, buy the cake and bring it home!

But when the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold!

Amanda grabbed her phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified! beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be talked about, ridiculed!

All night Alice tossed in bed thinking about the "toilet paper" cake! People talking about the cake! And about her!

The next morning Alice tried to put the cake out of her mind, just attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member, try to have a good time.

She really did not want to attend..the hostess was a church snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice, a single parent, NOT from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa. But.. she had already RSVP'd, and couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

The blood drained from her body when she saw IT: the "toilet paper" cake! No!

She rose up out of her chair to tell the hostess, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife remarked, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, stunned, dropped back in her chair, as she heard the hostess (a prominent church lady) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled. The blood began to return to her body. And a thought  crept into her mind:

"God is good"

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

by Sac Barb

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Tips For Making A Woman Happy!

by Sac Barb

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: 

Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:
 
SIMPLE  DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)
 
SOCIAL  ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER  BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A  NIGHT  OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
 
YOUR  PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE  BIG  QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response  (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Sign From God

by SacBarb

A woman and a man are involved in a head-on collision… it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt.  

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!  There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”  

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks half the bottle, handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” 

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police to arrive.”

Burma Shave

by SacBarb

To My Old-As-Dirt Friends & Relatives who qualify as "old as dirt". 

 

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. 

 

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.  They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW

OUT SO FAR

IT MAY GO HOME

IN ANOTHER CAR.

Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER

ALL OVER THE MAP

'CAUSE NOBODY SITS

IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP.

Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH

BY MISTAKE

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS

HER HUSBAND JAKE.

Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD

TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT.

Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG

DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

IS NOT AMUSING.

Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER

LET'S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER

GOOD MORNING, NURSE.

Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER

TO HER RECKLESS DEAR

LET'S HAVE LESS BULL

AND A LITTLE MORE STEER.

Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH

WEATHER WAS NOT

TIRES WERE THIN

X MARKS THE SPOT.

Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE

OF PAUL FOR BEER

LED TO A WARMER

HEMISPHERE.

Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE

LICKETY-SPLIT

BEAUTIFUL CAR

WASN'T IT?

Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE

NO MATTER HOW NEW

THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE

IN THE CAR IS YOU.

Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES

A CAR WIDE OPEN

IS NOT THINKIN'

HE'S JUST HOPIN'.

Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS

LOOK EACH WAY

A HARP SOUNDS NICE

BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY.

Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL

EYES ON THE ROAD

THAT'S THE SKILLFUL

DRIVER'S CODE.

Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES

WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON YOU

TO DO HIS THINKING.

Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH

DRIVER IN TREE

THE MOON WAS FULL

AND SO WAS HE.

Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE

TAKE IT SLOW

LET OUR LITTLE

SHAVERS GROW.

Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child.

If they do - then you're old as dirt..LIKE ME!

The Confessional

by Sac Barb

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

 

Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

 

Then the priest comes in.

 

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

 

The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side!"

Sign from God

by Barb

A woman and a man are involved in a head-on collision… it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but, amazingly neither of them are hurt.  

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!  There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!” 

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police to arrive.”

Coffee Anyone?

by Sac Barb and Zona

World's Scariest License Plate Number:

by Sac Barb

One could try to pass her, but I certainly 

wouldn't honk the horn!

Smile!

by Sac Barb

Just before the funeral services, 

the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

                                                                                 *

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

                                                                                 *

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.

                                                                                 *

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, 

and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

                                                                               *

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
*
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
*
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
*
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

GO GREEN.....RECYCLE CONGRESS!!

Roadside Assistance

by Sac Barb

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly..

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!

Henry Making His Bed

by Sac Barb

Can Do

by Sac Barb

All dog lovers will be inspired by this video.

(Even a cat lover could appreciate this video).

Which Is The Guilty Dog?

by Sac Barb

Anyone who thinks a dog does not remember, does not understand, or does not feel guilt has not lived with 'man's best friend.' Just look at the expressions on the faces of these 3 cute pooches when they are asked the same question at the same time... (NOTE the immediate reaction of the two darker dogs on your right - talk about a total throw under the bus!) No matter how many times I watch (30 sec.), I laugh just as much as the first.

You Just Have To Love The Brits....

by Sac Barb

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab & opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so f**k off & wait for a camel."

The Exam Answers

by Sac Barb

 

The Haircut

by Sac Barb

Blessed are those that can give without remembering,  and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' 

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
 

My Mom's The Best

by Sac Barb

 

The Best of Maxine

by SacBarb