Don't Mess With Old Ladies in an Impala!

by Jodi

~ Happy Easter ~

by Tina~in_ut

There isn't a video to really watch.....but this is one of the only Johnny Mathis versions I could find. This is the version Dad played Easter morning. This is for you, Dad~

Call a Doctor......

by Dianne

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

  

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

Fishing Story

by Dianne 

The DEA Agent

by Dianne

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there", as he pointed out the location.

 

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "Look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"

 

Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

 

"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

 

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

 

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

A Few Laughs

by Dianne

FAMOUS INVENTIONS

The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota , but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it.

 

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OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

        

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'

        

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POLICE LINE-UP!

        

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'

        

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VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE

        

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400,' said the first Norwegian.

        

'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

        

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THE RELATIONS

        

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. ' Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' He asked.

        

'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena . 'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.'

        

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MUSIC SOLUTION

        

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

        

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.'  'How come?' asked Lars.

        

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.

        

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THE PRANK CALL

        

The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up.

        

'Who vas dat?' asks Lena .

        

'I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.

        

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HONEYMOON

        

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.'

        

So Ole drove to Dulute.

        

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PARTY TIME

        

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria , Minnesota . The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said, 'Ole, What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes?  You're naked.'

        

'Yah, I know,' said Ole.  'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.'

        

'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked.

       
'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!  'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!'  'Vel, vee all got undressed.  Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'

        

'Yah, vel, I guess I'm the first vun here!'

~ Funniest Game Show Answers of All Time ~

by Tina~in_ut