~ Happy Thanksgiving ~

Letter from Grandma

by Dianne

 

Dear Family,

 

 

I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05.

Two. Arrive late and you get what’s left over.

 

 

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

 

 

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

 

 

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your

problem to deal with.

 

 

House Rules: 1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M.
The television stays off during the meal.

 

 

 

2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.

 

 

 

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey.

You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

 

 

 

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it

 

 

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacongrease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.

 

 

 

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

 

 

 

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

 

 

 

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

 

 

 

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.

 

 

 

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

 

 

 

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.

 

 

 

12. Dominoes and cards are better than anything that requires
a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.

 

 

 

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed. The election is over so I’ll watch what I say about the bastard, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we’ll have a good time. If not, I’ll still have a good time but it will be at your expense.

 

 

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

 

 

 

I really mean all of the above.

 

Love You,

 

Grandma

~ Wildest Dreams ~

Quarter Back!!

by Jodi

FEAR OF FLYING...

by Dianne 

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.  A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.  The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled:

"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket … he had told me before we took off that he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!" 

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"

He began his series of questions: 

Tower: " How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?" 

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me." 

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me." 

Tower: “ Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?" 

Aircraft: “The sh#*... in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!" 

Lonely Widow

by Dianne

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

 

“HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.”

 

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

 

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you . . . you have no legs!"

 

The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted.

 

"You don't have any arms either!"

 

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

 

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"

 

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,  "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Proverbs as Told by Fourth Graders

by Dianne

A fourth grade teacher presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the second half.

1. You can lead a horse to water but….........................…. how?

2. Strike while the…………………..…....………. bug is close.

3. It’s always darkest before………..…. Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of…........................ termites.

5. Don’t change horses……………….…...…… until they stop.

6. Don’t bite the hand that…………….............…… looks dirty.

7. No news is………………………….....………… impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a………………..................……. Mister.

9. You can’t teach an old dog new…….........................…. math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll……... stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust……………………….....................……… me.

12. The pen is mightier than the………...........................…. pigs.

13. An idle mind is…………….............…. the best way to relax.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s……...................…… pollution.

15. Happy the bride who…………………….gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is……………….............…………. not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s………......………… the Musketeers

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what……. you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and………….. you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as………........……. Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not...……. spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed………....…… get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you……………….. see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind……......….. get out of the way.

And the best for last…

25. Better late than………………….................……….. pregnant.