Communication Issues

by Dianne .... sent via email

My husband sent me an email saying he was concerned that we have communication issues.

 

I immediately sent an Instant Message asking him to clarify.

 

He messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but sometimes we’re not as connected as he’d like.

 

I tweeted that I loved him more than anything. 

He sent over a text that said he loves me too.

 

So I leaned over and kissed him good night . . .

Three Blondes

by Dianne

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

 A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

 “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

  

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “We aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.”  

 

And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight,  the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

“What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two.

“Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

~ Happy 4th of July ~

Tech Support in Marriage

by Dianne

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

 

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

 

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do? 

Signed, Desperate.

 

The response that came weeks later out of the blue. 

 

 

Dear Desperate,

 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. 

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Lavish Praise 5.0

Good Luck!

~ Happy Father's Day ~

Basic Laws of ............

by Dianne

1 . Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

2. Law of Gravity

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 

3. Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers

If you dial the wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

 

5. Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

 

6. Law of the  Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

8. Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

 

10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are the furthest

from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. 

The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

11.The Coffee Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 

14. Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

 

15. Law of Physical Appearance

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

16.Law of Public Speaking

A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

 

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!

 

18. Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Buying A Mercedes

by Dianne

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes
 dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they
 were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a
 mini skirt and a halter top.
 The old man was visibly upset. He spoke
 to the salesman sharply.
 "Young man, I  thought you said you would hold
 that car till we raised the £55,000 asking price,"
 said the older man.
 "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for £45,000 to
 the lovely young lady there."
 " And if I remember right, you had insisted there was
 no way you could discount this model."
 The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and
 reached for a large glass of water.
 "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready,
 didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at
 her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning
 salesman sheepishly..
 Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and
 gave the car keys to the old man...
 "There you go," she said. "I told you I could
 get that idiot to lower the price...."
 "See you later, DADDY!!