Household Chores

by Dianne

~ Happy Father's Day ~

Retirement

by Dianne

Why I Like Retirement ! Question: How many days in a week?  Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday  Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?  Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep  in his Lay-Z-Boy.  Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?  Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.  Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?  Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.  Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?  Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.  Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?  Answer: Tied shoes.  Question: Why do retirees count pennies?  Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.  Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?  Answer: NUTS!  Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?  Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?  Answer: Normal.  Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.  Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.  Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.  And, my very favorite...  QUESTION: What do you do all week?  Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.  SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....  'Two years older than me'  'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..  She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:  'And what do you think is the best thing  about being 104?' the reporter asked...  She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is  you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. I've sure gotten old!  I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,  take 40 different medications that  make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,  the class was over. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' THE SENILITY PRAYER :  Grant me the senility to forget the people  I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Blonde Goes Ice Fishing

by Dianne

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly–tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

“There are no fish under the ice!!”

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that You, Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!”

Coming Home Drunk

by Dianne

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.

When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”

The mysterious man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom, and I’m St Peter”.

Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away.”

St. Peter replied, “Yes you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”

Brian began to consider his options.

He was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad,” he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “so you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”

“It’s not so bad,” replied Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”

“Never,” replied Brian

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

So Brian focused on his breathe and relaxed, and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him. His emotions even got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

“Brian! Wake up you drunken bastard, you’re pooping the bed!”

~ Happy Mother's Day ~

Fishing Trip

by Dianne

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a cold beer.

“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, ‘Guess who?”

“ I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

“She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place. Well, she’s been reading ’50 Shades of Grey’….

“On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

“And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’

“So, boys, here I am!”