New CEO

 by Dianne

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this . . .

 

 

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

 

“How much money do you make a week?”

 

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

 

The CEO said,”Wait right here.”

 

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

 

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

 

“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

 

From across the room a voice said,

“Sure – he was the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

Catholic Churches in Las Vegas

 by Dianne

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the offering basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This really isn’t all that unusual because in ‘Vegas, casino chips are pretty much universally accepted as cash.

What is interesting though is that there is an endless amount of chip sorting going on in the monastery, and of course it is all done by….

…. The Chip Monks.

OK, OK… but…..

You didn't see that coming, did you??!! 

~ Happy Independence Day ~

 

Going to Home Depot

 by Dianne

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

 

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.  And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

 

In your 30's:   Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror   Still got it!  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

 

In your 40's:  Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

 

In your 50's:  Stop what you are doing.  Put on a hat.  Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.   Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says,  'I Got Worms '.

 

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat any more.  Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there.  Got to save trips!  Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch . . . who cares?

 

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.  You go to Wal-Mart instead.  You went to school with the old lady greeter.  You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name

 

In your 90's and beyond: What's a home deep hoe?   Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who am I?   Why am I reading this?  Did I send it?   Did you?   Who farted?

 

I can relate to some of these things.

~ Happy Father's Day ~

 

An Irish Woman

by Dianne

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance" she replied "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”

"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.

"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked.

"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"

"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"

"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"

“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"

"Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

On His Deathbed

 by Dianne

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

 

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

 

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

 

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

 

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”

 

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

 

Sarah replies, “Property? …. the old buggar had a paper route!”