Grandma Still Drives

 by Just_Lin

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

 
Dear Grand-Daughter,
 
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. 
 
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. 
 
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. 
 
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. 
 
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. 
 
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. 
 
I found that lot of people really love Jesus! 
 
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 
 
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' 
 
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! 
 
Everyone started honking! 
 
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. 
 
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 
 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. 
 
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. 
 
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. 
 
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. 
 
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. 
 
My grandson burst out laughing. 
 
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! 
 
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. 
 
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. 
 
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. 
 
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. 
 
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! 
 
Will write again soon, 
 
Love, Grandma

The Nun

 by Dianne

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago .

 

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.”

 

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago .”

 

The nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone.

 

The more she thought about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again.

 

She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.”

 

The nun says to herself, “I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.” She sat back down.

 

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.

 

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking “This is incredible. I’ve got to try this again.”

 

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind.”

 

Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself “I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.”

 

But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

 

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.”

 

She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”

New CEO

 by Dianne

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this . . .

 

 

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

 

“How much money do you make a week?”

 

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

 

The CEO said,”Wait right here.”

 

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

 

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

 

“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

 

From across the room a voice said,

“Sure – he was the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

Catholic Churches in Las Vegas

 by Dianne

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the offering basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This really isn’t all that unusual because in ‘Vegas, casino chips are pretty much universally accepted as cash.

What is interesting though is that there is an endless amount of chip sorting going on in the monastery, and of course it is all done by….

…. The Chip Monks.

OK, OK… but…..

You didn't see that coming, did you??!! 

~ Happy Independence Day ~

 

Going to Home Depot

 by Dianne

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

 

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.  And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

 

In your 30's:   Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror   Still got it!  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

 

In your 40's:  Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

 

In your 50's:  Stop what you are doing.  Put on a hat.  Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.   Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says,  'I Got Worms '.

 

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat any more.  Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there.  Got to save trips!  Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch . . . who cares?

 

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.  You go to Wal-Mart instead.  You went to school with the old lady greeter.  You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name

 

In your 90's and beyond: What's a home deep hoe?   Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who am I?   Why am I reading this?  Did I send it?   Did you?   Who farted?

 

I can relate to some of these things.

~ Happy Father's Day ~