An Irish Hooker

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It's Friday

 

The Pharmacist

 by Dianne

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

 

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

 

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

 

The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

 

“Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Mushrooms

 by Dianne

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
 
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
 
"No --- some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
 
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
 
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.  Spot ate every bit.
 
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
 
The meal was a great success.
 
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
 
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
 
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
 
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The  Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
 
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
 
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered and were sitting around in the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..... "I can't believe that guy!"
 
"What guy?"
 
"You know --- the bastard who ran over Spot ---- he didn't even slow down."

The Dog

 by Dianne

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

 

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

 

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

 

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

 

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

 

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

Grandma Still Drives

 by Just_Lin

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

 
Dear Grand-Daughter,
 
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. 
 
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. 
 
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. 
 
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. 
 
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. 
 
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. 
 
I found that lot of people really love Jesus! 
 
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 
 
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' 
 
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! 
 
Everyone started honking! 
 
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. 
 
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 
 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. 
 
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. 
 
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. 
 
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. 
 
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. 
 
My grandson burst out laughing. 
 
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! 
 
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. 
 
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. 
 
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. 
 
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. 
 
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! 
 
Will write again soon, 
 
Love, Grandma

The Nun

 by Dianne

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago .

 

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.”

 

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago .”

 

The nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone.

 

The more she thought about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again.

 

She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.”

 

The nun says to herself, “I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.” She sat back down.

 

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.

 

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking “This is incredible. I’ve got to try this again.”

 

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind.”

 

Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself “I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.”

 

But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

 

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.”

 

She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”