~ Happy Thanksgiving ~

 

The Plumber's Tree

 by Dianne - who could have told me I was slackin'~

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job, a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit, and his ancient one-ton truck refused to start.

 

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

 

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family.

 

As we walked up the front walk, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

 

When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was wreathed in smiles, and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

 

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree, and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

 

'Oh, that's my trouble tree,' he replied. 'I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.'

 

'Funny thing is,' he smiled,' when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.’

 

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. We all need a Tree!

An Irish Hooker

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It's Friday

 

The Pharmacist

 by Dianne

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

 

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

 

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

 

The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

 

“Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Mushrooms

 by Dianne

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
 
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
 
"No --- some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
 
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
 
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.  Spot ate every bit.
 
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
 
The meal was a great success.
 
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
 
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
 
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
 
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The  Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
 
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
 
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered and were sitting around in the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..... "I can't believe that guy!"
 
"What guy?"
 
"You know --- the bastard who ran over Spot ---- he didn't even slow down."

The Dog

 by Dianne

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

 

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

 

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

 

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

 

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

 

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’