Funny Ass Blog

by Shirley

              THEY FINALLY PUBLISHED "MY" VERSIONS OF THE GREAT DOCTOR- SEUSS


   Dr. Seuss For Older Kids

 

How is your day going?

by Zona

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-making dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the dude says, "I didn't  think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my old lady in bed with the gardener. . . and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it,  and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve.  Then some jack-ass shows up and drinks the whole thing!  But enough about me, how's your day going?"

~ Happy Easter ~

by Tina~in_ut

Only Boys Aloud

by Michael

~ Lube Job ~

by Tina~in_ut

I'm so excited. I went for my annual lube job and boob squeeze. No....that's not what excited me. My doctor told me something that I never saw coming. I don't mind going for a mammogram, but a pap smear.....yuck! I love my doctor, but it's not exactly the way I like to see her. She told me that since I have been married to the same man for over 20 years, I only need to come in every three years now instead of every year. Of course, she starts telling me this after she starts the exam. Girls, you know what position I'm in!!!! I hate it when she starts a conversation like that when I can't look her in the eye. So of course, I sat up to talk to her, she stopped what she was doing......which still left me in "the position" longer...ugh!!!! Anyway, she says they've found that doing the exam on someone who doesn't have multiple partners and is not really at risk can do more harm than good. I asked her about my daughter, too. She said that she wouldn't have to go in until she was 21 unless she started having sex before that. Of course, I told her she wouldn't be seeing her anytime soon! (wishful thinking?)

Anyway, I'm so happy! I still need to get a mammogram every year, but I love going in for that! The lady that does them is a hoot. We laugh every time I go in. This time it really hurt, but we still laughed. I think I said, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" and she said, "You're not using the right accent!" So I said, "Jesu (hesu) Cristo" and she laughed! She kept showing me how gorgeous my pictures were coming out. I think she meant her work and not my boobs.....but you know how I took it~ :D

Kargo Kids

by Tina~in_ut

I thought this was cute~

Things My Mother Taught Me

by Zona

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill
each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the
carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2 - "If you fall out of that swing and break
your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry
about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat
your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you just look at the dirt
on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I
saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you
a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me about THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your
father!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that
spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through
your room."

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get
home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when
you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't
come running to me."

My Mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX - "How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS - "You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a
barn?"

My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE - "When you get to be my age,
you will understand."

Among all the things my mother taught me, my all time favorite is JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!"