Funny Dad

by Lynn D

I am in need of cheering up and lately this is my go to when I want to laugh.

This guy IS the Worlds Best Father! :)

Source: themetapicture.com via Megan on Pinterest

The Female Dentist

by Dianne

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. 

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: 

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. 

"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gives him a couple of pills. 

He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.

"Viagra," says the dentist.

"Damn," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

 

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

~ Of Monsters and Men ~

by Tina~in_ut

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

by Sac Barb

The day finally arrived..  Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.   
 
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. 

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.   We have heard a lot about you.  I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.' 

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.  But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.  I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.' 

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. 

  
First: 
What two days of the week begin with the letter T? 

  
Second: 
How many seconds are there in a year? 

  
Third: 
What is God's first name?' 

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.  He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.' 

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.  That would be Today and Tomorrow.' 

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.  How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.' 

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds 
in a year?' 

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... ' 

'Hold it,' interrupts St.Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,   though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'? 

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.' 

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?' 

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.  'I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.' 

Ida and the Frog

by Dianne

An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO . BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. 

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog. 

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.
 

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.

SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO? 

COME ON GUESS! 

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SHE TURNED INTO the first Holiday Inn SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!! OLD LADIES ROCK!!!!!
 
 

SWEET DREAMS, HOOTERS!

by Just Lin

I rarely have a dream; at least not one that I remember after waking.  Oh, sometimes I remember it for a fleeting second or two, but I can't hold on to it and it dissipates in the air like smoke. 

 

Dreams are fascinating things.  I've had some wonderfully erotic ones and just as I'm getting to the good part, I wake up.  How infuriating and frustrating is that?  Or is it too often like real life?  Hmmmm.......

 

Have you ever had a recurring dream or one that you were able to change as you were dreaming it?  I used to have a recurring dream about a Doberman Pinscher that was leaping over a fence, teeth bared and snarling, and about to attack me.  It was very dark and frightening.  As the dream was occuring, I was able to turn the dog into the dobie that was my pet and it was suddenly just a happy dog coming to greet me.  I had this dream so often that I would kind of talk to myself during the scary part and tell myself not to be afraid because the part was coming up where I can change it.  Fortunately, I haven't had that dream in many, many years now.  I guess I finally resolved those fears that caused it.

 

As a child, I dreamt that I could levitate.  It seemed so real to me that I was sure for a long time that it really happened.  It was similar to the flying dreams that some people have but my dream never took me outside.  I've never had a flying dream as an adult. 

 

I had a funny dream the other night.  In the dream, I was signing in for some kind of convention banquet thing. I was very dressed up but alone.  Apparently, it was a law enforcement occasion because I mentioned my deceased husband's name at the desk where we were to check in.  I'm referring to my second husband  He had been a police lieutenant. After signing in at the desk, I was directed to walk down a hall in the hotel to find the banquet room. As I was walking, I reached up to scratch my chin and discovered a hair there. I took hold of it between my thumb and forefinger and ran my fingers down it to see how long it was; one inch, two inches, three inches!  Still holding the hair, I extended my arm completely and I still hadn't reached the end of it!  I thought to myself that this must be a really fine and blonde hair because no one seemed to notice it.  I let go of it as I continued on to the banquet room and I was now aware of how it was trailing behind me, floating in the breeze as I walked.  For some reason, that pleased me.  LOL

 

I better go check in the mirror. 

Irish Birth Control

by Dianne 

Mrs. Donovan was walking down

  O'Connell Street in Dublin when

  she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'

 To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan

  And didn't I marry ye and yer

  Hoosband two years ago?' 

She replied, 'Aye, that ye

 did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be

 there any wee little ones yet?'

 

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,

  I'm going to Rome next week

  And I'll light a fertility candle for ye

  And yer hoosband.'

   

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'

  They then parted ways.. 

 
Some years later they met again. 

 
The Father asked, 'Well now,

Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' 

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me,

Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!

Two sets of twins and six singles,

Ten in all!' 

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!

And how is yer loving hoosband doing?' 

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome

To blow out yer fookin' candle.'