~ Happy 4th of July ~

Cap'n Jack's Seafood Grille

by Dianne

               A group of 15-year-old boys discussed where they should meet

               for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's

               next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six

               dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and

               Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the

               same street and they might see her.

    

               Ten years later, the group of now 25-year-old guys discussed

               where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would

               meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was

               cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there

               was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

    

               Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again

               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided

               they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the

               booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late

               enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

    

               Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where

               they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at

               Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and

               the waitresses wore low cut blouses and really tight pants.

    

               Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where

               they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at

               Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were

               reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for

               your cholesterol.

    

               Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again

               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they

               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the

               lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

    

               Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again

               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they

               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food

               was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped

               accessible.

    

               Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again

               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they

               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had

               never been there before...

How Adam Got Eve

by Dianne

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

                                        So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

 

and that it would be a woman.

 

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

 

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you 

 

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

 

She will praise you! 

She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

 

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

 

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

 

God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'

 

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

 

Of course the rest is history............

~ Happy Father's Day ~

by Tina~in_ut

 

 And if you still haven't bought that father in your life something special, here is an idea:

And you can buy them here

(I really wish Michael were still around for this one! lq~)

The Golfer

by Dianne

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. 
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes
and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer,
"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

New Texas Priest

by Mary

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to

serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing

confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in

on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions,

then the old priest asks him to step out of the

confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your

chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying

things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'”

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one

hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little

better than slapping your knee and saying,

‘No shit, what happened next?????’"

Why I Like Retirement.....

by Mary

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes. 

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. 

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS! 

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer: Normal. 

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. 

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. 

Question: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.