~Giving Thanks~

I'm Gonna Be A Bear

by Dianne

The Birds and The Bees

by Dianne

Jokes That Can be Told in Church

by Dianne

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why the groom wearing black?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, Please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." 

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" 

He answered, "Call for backup." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" 

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" 

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Happy Halloween ~

Burma Shave

by SacBarb

To My Old-As-Dirt Friends & Relatives who qualify as "old as dirt". 

 

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. 

 

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.  They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW

OUT SO FAR

IT MAY GO HOME

IN ANOTHER CAR.

Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER

ALL OVER THE MAP

'CAUSE NOBODY SITS

IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP.

Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH

BY MISTAKE

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS

HER HUSBAND JAKE.

Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD

TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT.

Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG

DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

IS NOT AMUSING.

Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER

LET'S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER

GOOD MORNING, NURSE.

Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER

TO HER RECKLESS DEAR

LET'S HAVE LESS BULL

AND A LITTLE MORE STEER.

Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH

WEATHER WAS NOT

TIRES WERE THIN

X MARKS THE SPOT.

Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE

OF PAUL FOR BEER

LED TO A WARMER

HEMISPHERE.

Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE

LICKETY-SPLIT

BEAUTIFUL CAR

WASN'T IT?

Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE

NO MATTER HOW NEW

THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE

IN THE CAR IS YOU.

Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES

A CAR WIDE OPEN

IS NOT THINKIN'

HE'S JUST HOPIN'.

Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS

LOOK EACH WAY

A HARP SOUNDS NICE

BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY.

Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL

EYES ON THE ROAD

THAT'S THE SKILLFUL

DRIVER'S CODE.

Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES

WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON YOU

TO DO HIS THINKING.

Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH

DRIVER IN TREE

THE MOON WAS FULL

AND SO WAS HE.

Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE

TAKE IT SLOW

LET OUR LITTLE

SHAVERS GROW.

Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child.

If they do - then you're old as dirt..LIKE ME!

The Ultimate Ethnic Joke.......

by Dianne

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an I Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, 
....Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."