~ Merry Christmas ~

 

Wisdom and Woe 2

 by Dianne

Wisdom and Woe 1

 by Dianne

~ Happy Thanks Day ~

 

Thoughts on Life .....

 by Dianne

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine. 

They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.

Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't  get a clear shot of a robber standing still. 

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what's your plan? 

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the ark. 

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner. 

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people. 

I never make the same mistake twice.  I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure. 

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking space faster, so now I just have to sit here until both of us are dead.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors. 

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they must be a drug dealer. There's no other explanation for that type of income.

After a year of this pandemic, I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony.  I'll decide in the car. 

I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger  who isn't wearing a seat belt. 

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite.  Apparently you can't do this in Starbucks.  And now the cops are here. 

In the 1950s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee.  I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine.  I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky. 

Dear Sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen.  Don't just put a stupid look on my face and then leave. 

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, bacon less years. 

I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower.

~ Boo! ~

 

Gotta Love the Irish

 by Dianne

Over a double Latte, the Greek mentions, 'We built the Parthenon you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.'

'Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter solstices,' the Irishman replied.

'But it was the Greeks who gave birth to mathematics.'

'Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.'

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: 'Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!'

'Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved!'

My Back

 by Dianne

The Pharmacy

 by Dianne

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.'

'Oh really?' the pharmacist replied with a grin.

'Yes.' they boy said. 'We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those.'

Irish Birth Control

 by Dianne

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!'

Logic cont.......

 by Dianne

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples….'

Logic cont......

 by Dianne

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?’

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.’

Logic cont..

 by Dianne

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.’

~ Happy Independence Day ~

 

Logic cont....

 by Dianne

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?’

~ Happy Father's Day ~

 

Logic cont...

 by Dianne

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.’

Logic cont.....

 by Dianne

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.’

Logic from an Uncluttered Mind

 by Dianne

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him’.

Sex after Surgery

 

by Dianne

~ Happy Easter ~

 

An Atheist and a Little Girl

by Dianne 

~ Happy St. Patrick's Day ~

 

Bicycle Accident

 by Dianne

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children, "she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

~ Happy Valentine's Day ~

 

Why Grandma Doesn't Have a Boyfriend

 by Dianne

Priceless

 by Dianne

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

 
 
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the Hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the Street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 
 
He saw a men's Clothing Store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the Salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the Tailor said.

 
 
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the Salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The Salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

 
 
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the Salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The Salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The Salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

 
 
New suit -  $400

New shirt -  $36

New underwear -  $6

Second Opinion -  PRICELESS

~ Happy New Year ~