~ Precious ~

by Tina~in_ut

How I Lost My Marbles

by Zona

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED

by Dianne

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

  NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

 

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and
romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Idiot Sighting

by Shirley

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

I handed the Teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00.  I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size"  When I got up off the floor I tried to explain it to her....  (Oh!  Just  never mind. You can't fix STUPID )

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

 

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

 

His reply: 'I know. I already got that side..'

 

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

We had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

 

He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than Two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.  I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

 

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's....

 

Better yet go to Burger King

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING    

 

I live in a rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

 

From Kingman , KS

 

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

 

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

 

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

 

-- From Kansas City

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,  'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

 

To which I replied, 'IF it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

 

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our Manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'   Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.  This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, could not understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING (MY FAVORITE)

 

How would YOU pronounce this child's name?  " Le-a "
Leah??  NO
Lee - A??   NOPE
Lay - a??  NO
Lei??   Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.

 

Her Mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.  It's pronounced "Ledasha".   When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

 

So, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to "pronounce the dash."  If dey axe you why, tell dem da dash don't be silent.

~ Happy Mother's Day ~

by Tina~in_ut

I couldn't decide on Naughty or Nice~ I was looking for the perfect video for Mother's Day and came across a few that I liked. If you're in the mood for nice and pretty, watch the first one. If that bores you and you're in the mood for something naughty and funny, watch the second one. If you're like me and can't decide, watch them both. Either way, for those of you who are mother's, and even those who are not, Happy Mother's day~ :D

~ Nice ~

~ Naughty ~

Airport Security Device

by Michael

United Security Systems in Fallon, Nevada, announced today that they are developing a new security system for airports that will make all present systems obsolete.

Harry R. Kelton, Director of Development at the Fallon R&D Section stated that present systems are receiving a great deal of negative feedback and criticism, and the invasion of privacy complaints are becoming quite a problem.

"We have attempted to take all of the situations that can be encountered in detecting explosives at all locations, and airports seem to be the most critical. It is a situation where a small amount of explosives when set off can do the most damage," Kelton explained.

The USS solution is one that will eliminate any personal body searching or contact or x-ray of any kind.

They have designed, and have a prototype ready, a phone booth sized unit, that is completely explosion proof. It is lined with 8 inches of Teflar, 3 inches of Fiberglas and 2 inches of stainless steel, and layers of a classified material that was procured from NASA.

Radiotronics, of San Diego has supplied the electronics that are encased in the unit.

The passenger, or searchee, enters the booth, closes the door and it is automatically sealed shut, if no explosives are detected, the door automatically opens and the searchee is free to leave.

If any explosives are found on the person of the searchee, the explosives will automatically be detonated within the confines of the unit. It is soundproof and will create little disturbance or attention.

An automatic cleaning unit is being developed by the Henderson Car Wash Company and will be available soon.

This unit also relieves the necessity for an interrogation, imprisonment, court trial, legal fees, burial, and is basically maintenance free.

Things that make you go "Huh?!"

by Zona